My New Diary and Daily Progress
I have chronic mental health symptoms, was sexually assaulted last year and right now I am still in the progress of recovering. I do carry complex trauma and sometimes I feel really overwhelmed and lost and I don't know if I can get better. Therefore, in order to note down every small progress I made and to build meaningful connections with the community, I decide to write down how I am doing in the day everyday. I do procrastinate and I don't know how far I would go, but I will try my best to post at least one sentence each day 🙏
03/01/2023
I did a past life hypnotherapy today and I got the message from my subconscious mind that the lesson I need to learn in this life time is love, and the purpose I came to this world is also love. However, my biggest question is I don't even know what love is, SERIOUSLY. I don't know how to love or how to receive or feel love, and all I have in my heart is doubt and emptiness. I do feel sad and angry when people abandon or reject me; however, I don't even know why and I feel like there is something lost in my heart that I cannot understand how other people think or feel at all. I read all sacred scriptures including Bible and Bhagavad Gita and tried to find some hint of my question, and I saw verses in Bible that telling me love is light and you cannot see yourself in darkness. Therefore, I asked myself, do I really want to see my true self? My answer is yes and I also got my first answer for the question I asked - love is "want", or desire, a force to seek something. I understand love can show in every way but it's still important for me to have a general concept of it in this moment.
Also, I attended a survivor support group in my college this afternoon, and felt good about everything. I realized I do much better when there is group support, because I am actually able to engage in the present moment and feel less pain and empty in a group sessions. Right now I am trying to find a DBT therapy group as I just want to pick up all the DBT skills I learnt in the past. I received a diagnosis of BPD from a psychologist several years ago; however, I am honestly doing much better and I don't really think that diagnosis fits me accurately right now. Still, I have issues with intense emotions, fear of abandonment and emptiness, and I believe DBT will definitely be helpful for all the issues I have right now. I am trying to looking for a group chat or meeting on 7 Cups as it's the most convenient way for me, but if not I will try to talk with a long-term listener here so at least I will have someone who can check-in with me. I will also message my therapist to make up a plan.
Today is the 3rd day of me practicing self acceptance, and I noticed that I have become calmer and peaceful. Even though there are darkness, anger, sadness and hurt, I still accept all these parts of myself because I understand they are just a state of mine but not everything.
