Journal
I'll be making this a journal, but all can read if they would like.
10-27-2021, Hey Mary, I started a new kinda of therapy, it's called 7 cups. Well it's helped probably more than anything. Back story, around 6-7 months ago, I separated from my significant other after thinking or feeling that she was cheating on me. we were together 9 years. That week that I moved out (I was devastated because I loved her) my mom died, im not on good or wasn't on good terms with her, in fact the last thing she said to me was I was worthless, that was 6 years ago. haven't spoken since. so I call my ex who stopped by I was crying, she told me that she was sorry about my mom and while I was telling her what happened she said well this is ur problem not mine and left. I mean the ex was my family and she left. so now I'm alone and have been since that week. my ex and I have only gotten even more estranged, with her spreading lies about me, saying I'm on drugs, messing with this and that person, we live in a small town, so everyone knows everyone. and I guess she is doing it to justify the fact that she cheated on me and left me when I needed her most. mind you I have gotten her through 3 deaths or funerals before this, and she left me, I'm so angry at myself for trusting her and loving her when all she was was toxic. she alienated me from every friend that I had so I'm really alone now. I don't understand why I was so blind. how could I have been so stupid to believe what she told me. I took down all my walls, her begging me to take down my walls and she does this. I feel like I'll never trust anyone again. this hurts so bad. I don't ever want to be in this spot again.
I just read that maybe 'my mom loved me the only way she knew how,' which I don't believe because my kids ( she had spoken to them through the years) and they said she was wonderful. I never knew that person, someone that was caring and loving, so its makes me think that she just hated me and I was the problem. maybe I am the problem, i mean everyone leaves me or abandons me. I don't know where to go from here
10/28/21
well another lonely day of doing almost nothing. what's the point. is this all I have to look forward to. it's getting colder and the holidays are coming. I understand why people comment suicide around the holidays. it's so lonely while everyone is enjoying other ppls company. well my oldest will be gone other 6 months.my middle child is going to see my youngest during the holidays. so now I really have no-one here. WHAT IS the point.
- 11-17-202
well it's another week by myself, but you no I'm starting to enjoy being by myself, if I was in a relationship I would be garded and uncomfortable. what do I want with that. I do however miss having a friend to talk about my day, someone that enjoys spending time with me, having someone to discuss things with. I don't miss the continuously having to try to make someone happy, the picking up after someone, the working all the time while they sit at home, I don't miss doing all these things and then not getting the credit for it. I don't miss the fighting or the name calling, so it's not so bad being lonely. I don't miss the gaslighting or the psych reversal thrown at me. I think I'll stay lonely, so there is someone I been talking to she wants me to go with her during Thanksgiving. I'm going but this is way out of my comfort zone. to another city in a car 6 hours with someone I barley no and meeting her family I'm nervous just talking about it. my daughter got moved to the east part of the state today to a treatment facility. I'm like yep now I'm really alone she was my only family in town. Guess there isn't a point if me staying in this town anymore. could move somewhere else ???
