I was taught to keep my trap shut... but that's the end of that!!!
I was physically harmed a few minutes ago… Im soring all over… my whole body is badly bruised… and I suffered several injuries, but no critical ones…
Im knackered... I'm down in the dumps... and this is a safe way to vent my emotions (otherwise Id be in very deep trouble), cause Im feeling a strong need to self-harm right now and I dont really know if I'll be able to resist the urge to do it...
I was taught to keep my trap shut; otherwise, things will only get tougher and worse... but I think it's time to speak out and to express my (negative) feelings through words...
Im so embarrassed by myself, but Im also really gutted and despondent... Ive got a lot of anger and frustration inside... I'm feeling completely powerless... frustrated and helpless… weak, desperate and vulnerable… unable to do more than pray… emotionally drained… confused… physically weak… exhausted… Im a wimpish being, easily controlled and manipulated…
Although Im getting along and all appeared to be going well on the outside, Im really masking my emotions and feelings... masking my own pain about feeling somewhat imprisoned… In fact, when Im faced with a fearful situation, I try to hide my emotions behind a brave front and to smile while inside Im really crying... Theres a painful contradiction between whats in my head/my mind and the facade I adopt for the rest of the world…
Music helps me to escape my feelings... to conceal my true feelings… its my mask... my emotional refugee… I can, in a way, hide behind it… and find a kind of personal safety and emotional security…
Worst of all, what hurts most about all this is that the bruises/scars/injuries on my body are being created by people I love… It's like waking up from a deep sleep... I gradually became more aware of what was going on…
Not only that, but also all these bad experiences have led to the development of fearful beliefs about the future… I live in perpetual fear… That's why I'm a very insecure and fearful person... and I fall into deep confusion when close contact happens between me and another ppl... It's like I'm a puppet (so to speak) or sth of that sort, void of any feeling, any emotion, any life…
Hey this made me very sad and mad but also i understamd every single feeling you had in that moment. Ive been beat to the point of being bruised all over, ive felt powerless dueto my abuser, ivefeltthat imprisoning feeling. I left myabuser but still message and feel the urge to talki it out all the time bc we never truly understand why they couldnt stop being like that for us. People are so fucking damaged they liketo damage others and its never ever ourfault and no one deserves that. It is so empowering to speak instead of being silenced but if youre in a situation whereyou will be abused for speaking then im not gonna tell you to soeak, imgonnatell utoleave so ucan get ur freedom back so ucan do the one thing you should be aloud to do, voice your opinion. If someones insecure aboutyour opinion thats their fault, not yours. Im glad to hear you pray. Praying through it all helps very much. Always trust in your god. You can find the strenght to get out.
