I need to get this out
Tonight I am struggling an awful lot with guilt.
Its like a ton weight on my chest and I need ti talk to somebody or write it down or something because going out of my head.
Im in my thirties and im back living at home with very little money and im stick in a very low paid job without much prospects of gaining better employment......this isnt a poor.me,pity me post. I do not deserve or want anyones pity. I have gotten myself into this dreadful mess but I honestly cant figure a way out of it.
I want to go back to.college but I'm so afraid that I wont succeed because ive failed and dropped out so many times and then there is the money issue- I havent got any, so I would find it very hard to support myself and asking my parents to fund me just isnt an option. My self respect wont allow.me do that ,they are already providing there 30 something daughter with place to live and food and a car. I mean for fucksake, at this stage of my life I really should be supporting myself.
And im sick of excuses, because to be honest ive been given so many opportunities in life but I fucked them all up!
I just want to be a person I can be proud of but I keep going back to my selfdefense mode of sitting there pretending everythings just fine, when so clearly its not and I really need to make some serious changes.
I need to set goals, like quit smoking and stick to it, then at least il start believing what I say I will do even if others dont.
I need to break free of this little girl who stopped caring or really participating in life as a cry for help! Its past that and I need to break free of her habits.
I am strong woman who needs to use this guilt as driving force behind me to make things better for myself.
There is no knight in shining armour coming to save me . There is no one that can take away this pain in me except myself and the only way I can do that is by becoming a more productive person who has a purpose and who stops pushing people away and stop being so bloody gaurded but who also is more thoughtful and considerate of others and start making plans for the future.
Because if I dont start now then I will end up having lived my whole life, in guilt, regret, and in the past.
Dear me,I need to do this, please.let me find the strength within me to make a meaningful change,please!
I am determined that I'm going change and the first thing I feel I need to address is my smoking.
It's a filthy habit and I feel if I stop smoking successfully then it will provide me with the self confidence that I need in order to make other healthy changes in my life.
Not only that but I will have more money available to me which will help me achieve other goals I have.
I am ashamed I smoke, and I am finally starting to dislike the smell and the taste. Which is pretty big for me because I have been smoking for nearly 20years! Wow 20 years, where does the time go? And when I think of all the thousands of dollars I wasted on slowly killing myself it just makes me feel so much disgust for it.
Now im typing this and I've got nearly a fill box of cigs sitting on my lap and I'm actually smoking while typing this.....haha so I guess some part of me doesn't hate it that much.....but that side of me is the self destructive, insecure, anxiety ridden, illogical acting little girl that I so desperately want to train to be a better person.
So my plan is that I am allowed to smoke for the next half hour, then I go to bed....If I can't sleep then I will put on a nicotine patch and read a book(I often have cravings for smokes when I can't sleep which is totally counterproductive as it wakes you up even more).Then I will put on a nicotine patch again in the morning.....
You may be wondering....why am I journaling about stopping smoking in a trauma support forum....well I guess its because I see my whole life as a result of not having been able to heal myself when I was abused as a young child and its all just lead to a series of unfortunate events which is how I've ended up in this low situation I find myself in.
I am acknowledging that but I am not allowing it to become an excuse because I do have a choice and a chance to become the happier person that I want to be.
This diary will be a log of my journey in pursuit of happiness, fullfillment and self satisfaction.
This entry may not be triggering but when I start tackilng other issues, it could be.
So this is my second diary entry but also my final one as a smoker....:)
Sending you all positive, healing vibes!
@friendlyDime4413
Congragulations for taking a huge step forward and setting goals for yourself. I root for you, your message is inspiring. You have something to be proud of already. Your road will be difficult, don't let it stop you on your way to satisfaction and self love ! You go !
@friendlyDime4413 Hi it's Teresa and really nice to have you write those in here. I think you're doing more than enough already and I do believe person who is trying to change him/herself and grow absolutely can change and grow. We all need to grow, without exceptions. I think that plan making of yours is really nice and that shows your strenth. You're more that enough because you're making yourself even better, and caring others also. I respect you and wish you the very best. 💕