I'm lost

@Coly

*safe hugs* if wanted.

I think you are in the right forum as it sounds like your carrying around alot of fear with you and feeling the after affects of trauma.

Im sorry all of this is causing you to feel so angry at yourself, when really you deserve compassion while working through those feelings.

🌹🌹🌹

Hi again... I think I that I'm going to continue to write here as I have begin. I'm sorry in advance for my rambeling and all the english mistakes.

***Trigger warnig***

Not a long time ago, my therapist said something that sticked to my minde. "Don't summon actors from the past to play the present"

It was perfectly fitted and helpful for the topic we where discusing. In the same time I was overwhelmed by the number of "actor of the past" that I don't summon but comme anyway, against my will to haunt my head.

Theses days, two of them are more present and I just wish that writing them will help my head to understand its the past.

The first is the image of my brother "playing" with a lighter.

My brother love fire and knife. If it wasn't a pocketknife in his hand it was a ligher. Most of the time he wasn't doing something realy wrong with it but fidgetted with it. Some other time he was playing to scare me by approching the lighter from me. He had also Thrown me inflamed firecrackers and firerworks. He never burned me but we had somme begining of fire in the house or garden due to his "games".

Sometime, when i'm really anxious, I fear that he his going to put my house on fire, it's one off the reason i'm doing almost everything to keep he "calm" even if that hurt me.

The second memory that haunt me very often these days is about the special needs school where I was send. (so much things where awfull in this place)

There was a men, an educator, that was really mean, he enjoyed making fun of the children, he was agressive and manipulative. He used to threaten us in order to be obey. I feared him and I probably wasn't the only one. There was a sweet girl, she had some behavioral issues but she wa verys kind and often helped me with my sight issues.

One day she had a meltdown and this men, insted of gently helping her to calm down, he whent alone white here in a closet. I saw them going into it, I was a preteen but I didn't do anything to stop him. I will never know what happened to her but I still can hear her screaming. When they went out she was not herself anymore. A few month after that she moved school, "she was to disruptive for this school" and the men stayed.

I don't know what haunt me more, her scream or my guilt of not helping her.

Even as difficult as it is for me to do it, I think that writing here what happened to me give me more confidence to say it out loud and I need so badly to make all that stuff out of me.

So here is some other "bad story" off what happened in the special needs "school" where I went. (I have a physical disability)

There was a time whe just had a really big surgery on my face and was in so much pain most of the time but the teacher was continuously saying that I shouldn't miss school, threatening me that not only i had a scary face I would also "stay" dum if I didn't show up. So I was almost always there. Even when I couldn't concentrate.

When we where making mistakes She also used to shake our desks and sometimes even us to "get our idea in the good place".

I began to stutter when I had this teacher and my parents asked me if everything was ok at school. I said yes because I was so scared.