I'm just... Tired
I'm honestly at the point of enough, you know?
I've been moving forward constantly since I can remember... Constantly improving myself, bandaging the wounded parts of me without stopping, patching what needs to be patched but no rest...
I'm held together with duct tape and Elmer's glue at this point. I've expressed to my therapists, my psychiatrist and my doctor how tired I am and how done I want this to be... Not just this pandemic, but patching myself up on the fly to continue to move forward. I get reassured that I'm not alone, I know I'm not alone, that's not my problem... I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically and emotionally. Every single thing I've planned for myself yo relax has been destroyed in one aspect or another. Self care is no longer helping as much as it used to...
I'm tired of screaming and asking for help from the people who say they're listening and are there to help but aren't, even when you spell it out clearly.
I'm tired of having to put $5 in my emotional gas tank, drive down the road a bit and have to push myself to the next station while every single warning light goes off and the tires are flat.
I'm tired of pills after pills, side effect after side effect. I don't know who I am anymore... I lost myself in all of this
... I'm so tired
@TransparentPuzzle
Hello, what you're saying about being tired really reminds me of where I was 4 months ago and for the full two to three years prior. I ended up going calling crisis many times two years ago and ended up in patient in the through the emergency room several times I was just tired. There's no way to completely describe what was wrong and I had no idea so I suspected paranoia bipolar depression and on and on excetera. It wasn't until I got around other veterans that I realized and I was suffering with PTSD. PTSD has symptoms similar to bipolar some paranoia on full alert depression just plain tired from being on alert 24/7 seeing everything and feeling disappointment about how things should be but they're not. I'm so grateful that somebody discovered that I had PTSD and now I have help the battle was intense I didn't think I would win I had contemplated many times giving up I'm so grateful that I held on because now I sit on a bench but my new medications slowly take effect as I ponder my destiny. I hope somebody will help you. I realize now that I had been in my own way. Until I acknowledged I had fear I was unable to get the help I needed. When other veterans explain this to me I had an epiphany and New Hope filled my heart. This is the first time in my life and I feel like somebody actually has got me I'm in good hands. I had to learn how to trust a psychiatrist I had to tell her I will take whatever she prescribes I've learned to be honest with my counselor and my trauma therapist and I'm grateful and I finally have the help. I suffered for 38 years since the war in Beirut and not one person including my mother my wife my doctor's anybody realized I had PTSD they just thought day was crazy LOL. Hold on tight take a deep breath and relax, and try to get out of your own way. Don't let fear control you another minute. We must fight the fear and we must be honest with ourselves in humble, and not be embarrassed that we have fear. You definitely not alone, my name is day and I'm here to help if I can.,
Blessings, Day 🤗
Song lyrics in my head right now from Mike Shinoda.
I'm tired of the fear that I can't control this
I'm tired of feeling like every next step is hopeless
I'm tired of being scared what I build might break apart
I don't wanna know the end, all I want is a place to start.
@TransparentPuzzle
This lyrics speak volumes. The lack of knowing where to begin is to much pressure. We tend to over think everything, and can find a flaw in everything: Sound farmiliar??
It took a while and a lot of gentle people helping me on 7cups before I started to really see I was in my own way. Strangly we try so hard that we miss the point. Try holding a handful of sand and cherishing it and loving it so you hold tight and tighter and you watch what you love slip between your fingers with each desperate attempt to hold that sand...... You lose more and more, and no disappointment sets in.
This is a cycle that allows fear of loss to steal your joy!
I needed meds and peace to slow it down, so I could see what was just to close to see.
@juliak1968 I really appreciate your replies and this is like the third time I've typed this out lol. I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD, Massive Depressive Disorder, and Anxiety back in early 2018 when I put my head down and focused on myself and drowned everything else out, that was the year I had enough. I've felt different my entire life and I've accepted it, I just didn't know why but learned to explore it slowly. I was abused physically, mentally, emotionally and
That's what happens when you accidentally hit send lol. Continuing where my previous post left off...
I was abused physically, mentally, and emotionally by my dad. For awhile, I blamed myself until my middle school principal saved me without knowing it. I finally had something stable in my life so that's when I slowly started resolving things in myself. Ever since then, I've been running. There's times, like this post, where that running suddenly stops and I fall and land on my face, hard. It doesn't take me long to stand back up and dust myself off, then continue on. I'm currently working with my psychiatrist on two things, and that's confirmation for Asperger's and an MTHFR Gene Anomaly. A lot of my current issues did not start until I was put on antidepressants that didn't even work. The side effects become unbearable at times, that's mainly what stops my progress. COVID-19, though... I wouldn't say it's set me back, my progress is still the same. It's just,added more challenges to what I'm already currently working on.
Working on my mental health during this pandemic is like putting $5 of gas into my car and going back on the highway at the speed limit (or in my case, 15 over) I burn through that gas very quickly and have to pull over on the side on the road. I get out and start pushing. I'm tired, my check engine is on, it's hot out and I have no clue where the next gas station is... but I'm still moving forward. Just at a slower pace.
Ok that's not scary. The check engine on my car came on.
@TransparentPuzzle
That is a scary coincidence lolz, the comparison was all to realistic! I'm just checking messages but will have to come back and respond later. We are cooking outside and I have to run from r now. Try not to try overly hard, sometimes our over-efforts complicates things. Stay safe
Blessings, Day
@TransparentPuzzle
Yes I know how you feel, when it rains it pours! I've also been struggling what's a multitude no problems. Doesn't it seem like sometimes when we need to help the most people are the cruelest towards us? I'm not sure how that happens but it happens. It seems like the more were tested the stronger we realize we are. But it does take a toll. Tired , it's a good description of how we feel after numerous long fights and struggles. I knew when I was young something was wrong and so I tried working on myself, To re raise myself. I never realized the causes, or the potential diagnosises until I started really suffering Ideation, anxiety, and started calling crisis. I suffered greatly for the past 2 years, with a couple inpatient hospital stays, some groups after care, and discovering 7 cups. Some of the people I met here on 7 cups started to help me see things differently. 4 months ago as I was about to give up I reached out one more time and the veterans got ahold of me and are taking care of me now. 38 years it took everybody missed it, my mother, my doctors, my wife, my children, nobody knew I need PTSD help. A lifetime I'm suffering, confused, a dedicated to self care, but I was too close to be able to tell I had PTSD. Thank goodness for the veterans and thank you 2 all the seven cups people help me timer and taught me to be honest with myself and confront the fear. It's not easy but it's so worth it when you finally get to help. I learned that I was in my own way, I stubbornly would not move. The very stubbornness that sustained me through a lot of years of hard times actually worked against me. We need to learn how to trust we need to learn how to be open and honest, and we need to help each other. We all give great advice, but it sure hard to take that same advice. I'm hard-headed and I had to suffer a lot for a long time so that I could make the choice to trust again, because I knew the alternative was giving up. Having that knowledge helps keep me focused new ways of thinking. I give you a lot of credit you are to be commended for reaching out again because like me, you know something better waits for You. Will talk to you soon take good care of yourself I'm here if you need me. Blessings, Day😃
@juliak1968 I'm hard headed in a lot of ways, stuff I don't even recognize but I'm slowly working on. Like you said, sometimes it's ourselves that get in our way. I was told a year ago about EMDR and ignored it, and my psychiatrist just mentioned it to me two weeks ago and I've been putting the research I need to do off. Why? Because I keep convincing myself that I don't need it, even though deep down I do. It's a step I have to take to keep moving forward. I keep trying to put "but" in my sentences to justify putting it off so you'll notice when I write out something I know I need to do but keep giving excuses, you'll see some very short sentences that seem to the point. Most likely it's because I put "but" and removed it.
I'm trying to take more advantage of 7cups. It's easier for me to post here knowing I'm anonymous and actually have support, and I can re-read conclusions I've already came to. I just suck at follow up sometimes. Ok, I suck at follow up when it comes to my personal stuff. I set notifications and such, follow it for a bit and slowly start to get annoyed each time I'm reminded. It's interesting how many times I try to build new habits and get annoyed with it before it's set... hm.
@TransparentPuzzle
Sure does remind me of me lolz, Im the same way, but am learning to just go to therapy. Everything i convinced myself it would be like is only part right, the none important parts.
Im luck right now because im finally convinced that my way doesnt and will never work; and i have a strong smart therapist that stops me, and corrects me verrrrry often and she is right. I go home and start sorting out what she is showing me about myself. I feel awkward and vulnerable as i see the way i act from her perspective. Trust her, i had my chance and my way is wrong, my old habits are inbedded in my reactions, and my outlook. Im learning like a child now and doing the homework as i see the distraction is very healthy. I like a bit of art therapy because as im engauged in it, im able to access some logical epiphanys and im learning more and more she is right. She is still trying to deactivate my trauma induced (what has become my way of life) wrecklass focusing on needless crap.
"I focus on everything, so i cant focus on anything"
Its so true, so we must learn like we are children from the basics, and its rewarding when you let go of our way, and let in her way. 😊👍
We are getting better and that renews our hope!
Blessings, Day
ttys
@TransparentPuzzle @unicornsr4real
I described the struggle in a poem 🤔🤗🤗
Percieving what we believe in
is decieving and has no meaning
as life's mistreating
dishes out this beating
........Leaving us bleeding
But we cant see it if we close our minds
....and we cant think about this when we're blind
so walk away and you will find,
a freind here waiting for a sign!
So take your time
.....and organise
whats on your mind
and you'll wisely find
you're not really behind
so relax your eyes and you'll realize
you're fine just the way you are!
And you can reach for the stars
put cream on the scars
and then healing transpires
The delusional parts only confuse our goals
...and they corrupt our souls
Leaving us with a heart full of holes.
Set goals now and your mind will see
what closed eyes have failed to believe
Don't let sight deceive & keep us on our knees
....throwing logic into the breeze.
Winds at your back excited
Winds of hope reignited me.
Step by step confide
so we can share secrets of life
........Thinking
"what could be?"
.......But only if we let it,
if you hold back you'll regret it!
"There, Now I've gone and said it!"
We hold ourselves down......
Dirty on the ground.....
I've found myself tourmented and bound
by invisibility. ......
I've ignorged all possibility.....
so I must set myself free
of a self-inflicted confined mystery
....That causes so much mind-bending mysery!!!
We have the power to see if we allow ourselves, Day
@juliak1968 Hey Day, you've also been on my mind today. How are you?
@TransparentPuzzle good thank you my therapist called with a cancellation so I filled that this morning and I was just looking at a Mark Twain quote
@juliak1968 mixed emotions today my friend but I'm good! I've been on a positive energy high the past few days and normally while I'd be fearing a major crash, I'm just merely observing the ledge. I have to admit, when we first started talking, I was barely holding my hand out for someone to grab to help me back up. You took notice, yanked me from the floor and started helping me brush the dust off. You were one of the first major dominos in a series of positive effects. I hope this positive energy that seems to be flowing out of me lasts, I haven't felt like this in ages
@TransparentPuzzle
I'm so glad that I can help, you reached out. When we all work together something special does happen to make us feel better. I think when I first started and 7 cups the thing that I needed and didn't know I needed was validation. I quickly learned that everybody on this site has something to offer. When you reach out to help somebody it helps you feel better too. Keep letting the magic work reach out to as many people as you can when you have the strength.
I became a listener few times and I got little bit burned out, so now I just try to reach out and look for people to say hello to I'm in the same boat as you are.
We keep watching the holes, and navigate to beautiful ☮️- full, calmer seas 😄
Today's therapy reach deep and some of the most painful things of my life so at the end of the session she had me put everything in a safe and lock it tight, so tonight I'm just not being too serious fooling around a little bit and I changed my profile picture to a funny little monster. I hope you have a blessed night and meet many other wonderful people you're doing great that's how this works it's amazing! We will talk to you soon. Keep your chin up!
Blessings, Day👌👍😃
My psychiatrist and my doctor talked for a little bit, and came to the conclusion I have Asperger's (I think nowadays, I believe it's referred to as just Autism now?)
I figured it out 10 years ago but, I've had a lot of contact with people who made fun of those with autism and I kept it to myself because I felt if I brought it up, they'd do the same to me.
I was trying to talk to my mom about it, because even though my mind knows it'll never happen, my heart is still trying to keep a mother son relationship with her even though she's put so many metaphorical knives in them...
I told her today, asking her for her support because I wasn't sure how to feel and my response wasn't her holding my hand like I did her when my dad died...
It got slapped away and I was told, "You're not autistic. Don't you have Matt for these kinds of things? Go talk to him."
My heart broke... It is very hard for me to give up on a person, but for my sake until she decides to do something about her Xanax addiction, I guess I no longer have a mother...
I need a vacation...
@TransparentPuzzle
I had to make the choice to distance myself from my mother, it's never easy because we are loyal sons, but it becomes necessary to safe ourselves from the manipulation. Look up jesabel spirit and tell me if you agree. My mom has that degree of evil in her, and it's been three years since I've seen her, and every day I know I made the right choice.
Disfunction and n the dictionary has a photo of my family like lolz
It gets better, we all go through this kind of growth, and get wize to their lies.
😊
Blessings, Day