I know it's hard to undestand

Hello there people! I have a big problem and none of my friends can really undestand what I feel. So now I'm 18, european girl. when I was 10 I found an interview in a magazine about a japanese band named Ancafe. I will say it short: I falled in love with Miku, the vocalist and I'm still in love but deeply than then. I never thought about going to a concert or someting, but in 2014 february I was at a concert in another european country with my mother, because she eanted to see them too. I didn't had VIP ticket so I couldn't met the band...I didn't know that there are VIP tickets for uhm...like 120 people? It was a good show, I was in like the second row and at the last song I gave a brace to Miku and he accepted it....he smilet to the camera and it was omg...I can't say in words how it was....and I remember that in 2013 when I followed him on twitter on his b-day and he followed back already, he don't follow back everybody. So I'm really in love and I learn japanese...I learn, I take care of myself because I know how friendly are they and I know from an interview that one of them had a long distance realtionship with a russian fan...and I just hope that ll my effort will make him catch feelings for me...idk. I thought about suicide many times and I don't know what to do with my life...and he is the only reason I am still alive... Yes, I had relationships but during the relationships I ws still just thinking about Miku and I know that people jugde me for that, I don't need help or someting, I am not sick. All I nee is a chance to meet him and see if he would like me or not... Even he would reject me I will say him "thank you" for keeping me alive and it will be hard to forget about him, but I won't start to forget now, I will fight untill he will know my name. It's pretty easy, because he is so kind with his fans, he rea all the letters or comments on twitter or facebook. I will do it! In one year I will be a student in Tokyo just to be close to him and it will be fine because I already love Japan and I don't have to face it. Thank you for reading!