I feel so stuck... (TW: abuse, stalking, self harm, rape)
So here's my story of how I got PTSD I guess...
It started off with being abused physically and mentally by my mother which made me think her behavior was normal. I started dating the "perfect" guy at a young age and would be with him for 3 years (at least I think...) before breaking up with him. Now 2 years later, I still have him messaging me and trying to find me saying he will see me "one way or another" and I can't help but feel so trapped and out of control of my own life. I worry that one day, I'll have to call police to tell them my life is in danger and that I will never escape abuse. He mostly threatened me with suicide, said he would cheat, threatened to end his own life if I didn't stay or do such and such, and I couldn't help but blame myself since I was so young and I already was abused by my mom who is an alcoholic. He also raped a girl that looked like me and I couldn't help but feel at fault.
I've struggled so much with depression, self harm, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. I just wish I felt like my life was in my control again and not in control of everyone who abuses me... I've seen therapists already and called hotlines and told police only to have nothing really happen because I'm too young to file a "real report".
I also can't help but feel invalid. I was never raped. I was never assaulted by him. I was never shot at or stabbed. I was mentally abused and stalked and manipulated for several years and hurt by my mother and I feel like that is no reason to feel traumatized. It was my fault anyways for dating him. I have a loving girlfriend now who I have been with for over a year and a half and things have slightly settled but my 2 other exes keep giving the abusive ex my numbers and I just don't know anymore. I also can't bring myself to keep evidence or tell a family member about my mistake even though my dad already knows. I also already dabbled with social services as well for nothing other than "you're at the age to protect yourself" yet the cops say "youre too young to file a report for your own safety"...
I really just don't know what to do. I always feel stuck and just want my freedom back and to feel valid and not truly at fault... I just wish I could feel like trauma is a correct label for what I went through and am going through rather that I'm just weak.
@InsomniaMilk
Another note is that I had an old therapist tell me my ex couldn't have given me PTSD and only my mother could because mental abuse via text isn't a "valid" or "serious" or "traumatic" thing.
@InsomniaMilk In all I've seen of trauma in this world, being in a situation where you were in a severe lack of control of the situation and couldn't protect yourself or others is a common background for trauma survivors.We aren't therapists here, so we can't label it for you. But if resources for trauma help you, then use them. There's no right or wrong answer here. The pain you feel is real, the things that have happened to you are real and awful. It sounds like you have been through a lot and are reacting quite appropriately to them. Therapists have these check boxes they have to use for labels to be applied or not, but I think there's more of a spectrum approach being brought into mental illness. It's not really about whether you have something or not, but rather how severe it is. If you associate with trauma, because the resources help you, then I think that's all the information you really need. Your pain is valid.
Stalking can cause hypervigilance and fear of safety, which are common trauma symptoms. I, myself, have felt similar things after leaving an ex similar to yours. When you feel bad about not staying, ask yourself "What could you have done?" You stay until he destroys you? That is not your responsibility. His illness is not your responsibility. What he doesn because of his illness is not your responsibility. You were just a kid too. Imagine a person in a similar situation to you. Would you tell them to stay?? Or would you tell them it's ok to put themselves first in this.
I know it can still be scary every day, but you will get through this. Not every therapist is the right fit for everyone. There could be a therapist out there who you'd connect a lot better with or who has a more sympathetic understanding of trauma.
Thank you for telling us your story. I know it couldn't have been easy to write all of that out. We're here for you, this community. *Hugs*
