I deserve to be happy
I kind of changed my mind on about how I treat myself during the past week. It started when I met up with two of my closest friends. We were talking about boys and they started questioning me about this boy I fell in love with and the boy I was in love with when we still went to school together. Let's just say that I'm not really lucky when falling for boys. The boy I had a crush on during school turned out to be gay, the guy I had a crush on after finishing school chose to ignore me after I thought that we are finally getting closer to each other. And my girls were so goddamn angry at guy number 2 and (because they don't really know about number 1s orientation yet) encouraged me to tell guy number 1 about my feelings.
You are such a cute girl and so intelligent and nice – stop hiding yourself behind your books, please!
This sentence has been echoing in my head since then. It's true that I'm intelligent, that much I know. It's also true that I can nice (too nice sometimes), even though I can be very shy when meeting people or when I realise that I'm falling for someone. I don't really know about being cute – I always saw myself as a person that has to impress with her brain and her character because I don't look special or something. So it was really strange to hear someone tell my I'm cute. About hiding behind my books...yes, that's 100% true. Whenever I start feeling bad about myself or my past or the way I look or anything, I study until I just don't have the strength to think anymore. Sometimes up to 8 or 9 hours a day. Other people do drugs or cut themselves or cry in a pillow when they feel bad – I study. When I get good grades it feels like I'm high and I feel better about myself, much better.
Well enough about that.
This weekend I visited guy number 1, who is now studying abroad and is the best friend you could ever imagine. We talked a lot and went to parties and to the cinema and just had a real fun time and … we switched dating apps. I didn't had a profile before, so I let him create it and, let's say, I was kind of...impressed? This profile presented me as a really great person, a person I never saw myself as. Someone who is fun, talented and... loveable. The pictures he chose were ones I made when I was bored and had nothing else to do. I worked on his profile too – I deleted all negative things he wrote about himself and made sure to present him the best way possible and to only choose the guys I thought he could be attracted too. I wasn't allowed to enter my dating profile until the end of my stay. Let's just say: I was so surprised! And it was so good for my self-esteem!
So now I'm back home – and I want to keep that positive feeling about myself. Today I printed out all the pictures we made together, because I look so goddamn happy – and I deserve to be happy, I just deserve it! I don't want to beat myself up anymore, not for things I did and even less for things that others did to me. I've already missed out on so much, just because of my self-hatred. I mean, seriously – if others told me the things about myself I keep telling me, I would never talk to them again and make sure I would never see them again. Yet, when I talk to me like that, I just accept it. Believe it. I want to stop that. I will try to stop that. Because I deserve it!
I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!!!
@sincerePark336 Yes, you do. You absolutely deserve to be happy. And there's nothing wrong with books. :)
@sincerePark336
How absolutely lovely and uplifting. Thank you for sharing that. You certainly do deserve to be happy. I wish you the very best!
I did not want to start a new thread so I decided, that I would use this one again. I hope no one is bothered by this.
Today I want to share my grandpas funeral. He died on the 16th of August 2018, aged 86. He was extremely sick for 15 years - when it all ended he wasn't able to eat or drink for over a week. We were all prepared for his death. It was no big shock. It sounds harsh to say it like that, but it's the truth. I'm still sad about it, but I know how much he suffered. This makes it easier. I know he can be happy now, wherever he may be.
His funeral was last week. It was beautiful and he would have hated it. Let me explain why. He always was really, really shy. He liked being with people but he hated it, when everyone focused on him. And this funeral...it was attended by at least 200 people. We had 5 priests there and another one wrote a long letter to us, apologising that he wouldn't make it. This church was full. When we went on to the chapel on the graveyard some people had to wait outside. I don't think he knew that he was loved by so many people! He was a teacher, so there were many of his old students, who kept telling us about how he was their favourite teacher and how they respected him, but never had to be afraid of him. You know, hitting students was a normal thing to do, back when he was a teacher. But he refused to do this. He also talked a lot about World war 2, which also wasn't that common. But his family had to go into hiding as His father called the Nazis out on their bulls*it, soooooooo it was rather important to him to talk to his students about this.
He alsovolunteered a lot. He was the boss of a choir and volunteered at an organisation for people with heart problems and, of course, he volunteered at church a lot.
It was so great seeing that many people. All of them were grieving. I guess this made it easier.
@sincerePark336 - he sounds like a really amazing person, and I'm glad that you got to see how many people he touched and how much he meant to them all. Someone told me once that funerals are for the people left behind, and I think that's very true - it's for those who loved someone to come together, to grieve together, and to share stories and comfort in that time of grief. And my guess is that even if he would have hated having so many people focused on him, he would have loved that it made things a little easier for you to see so many people there.
