Hope is that glimmer of light inside of a dark night
So starting fresh, emotions not where i want to be, still not anywhere near where I want to be at the moment, but I kinda miss having a safe place to rant and put my poetry up and even make silly posts. Doubt there will be silly posts anytime soon, but I hope in time. As my title says Hope is that glimmer of light inside of a dark night, that is what I've been trying hard to hold onto, that small glimmer of hope to get me through this, its been difficult, well more than difficult, I have struggled immensely to comprehend anything right now, struggling how I managed to get myself into this situation again. I have been so appreciative of the support I have had during this time. I am in no way near even being anywhere close to where I was just a week and a bit ago, I was so ready to end the chapter of my life where I get hurt, get my power taken away and lose my voice. But in a way I have been heard this time, there are those still taking my choices from me, like not being able to work right now, as frustrated as it makes me feel, as I am feeling and told I am in wrong well not in so many words but still, being told there is a risk if I return to work at this time. Not helpful. Hmm enough ranting about that. There is still physical pain to contend with on top of the emotional pain but somehow I am making it through. My sleep is better but worse if that makes sense, I am sleeping so much the past week but also its not good sleep. My PTSD has been at its height while awake, hypervigilance, flashbacks, irritability, the whole shebang as well as I think my depression is the worse its been in a long time, bad bad thoughts, but I keep on keeping on. Im holding onto the support and care I have recieved this time around. I'll start this new diary off with a poem, the same poem I posted in my feed, its not in anyway good or looking for light, but its a poem reflective of how I feel. I am going to try to stress less about being positive or healing quickly in this new thread. I need to take it one day at a time, well 1 second at a time at the moment, but I am still trying, I am still here so that counts I think. Can't remember what I called this poem?
Broken and vulnerable again,
Old known hurt and pain
New wounds on parts of my soul
A chill in my body from the cold and rain
That night replaying like a horror show
My voice and screams, an unheard no!
A shutting down to protect in ways
A deep upset and broken shame
A fight now taken from my heart
Another fear now of the dark
A chance taken on becoming normal
A stupid decision thats left me vulnerable
A fight I never had the chance to win
And being told it was my sin
So many bruises and cuts to heal
Too many emotions I can feel
A week now has almost passed,
I dont know how I managed to last,
Feels like im barely surviving,
While I randomly begin crying
A bad friend to those who care
A wanting to be able to share,
Scared of seeing others agree
With the thoughts I have of me
I will end this on the hope that one day and hopefully soon, that hope that I hold in my heart for things to be better, for things to stop being this bad, for just a tiny little break from all the bad.. I hope one day this will no longer just be a far fetched idea for myself but something I am able to live and feel the freedom of no longer being harmed or silenced.
I don't know if I want to try anymore, it all just feels impossible and I feel like I'm drowning.. keep trying to remind myself to take it one step at a time but it's impossible to even take those steps anymore. I'm exhausted and defeated and ashamed and just broken. I have too many things flashing through my head near constantly and I don't know how to make them stop.. grounding only works briefly until the images come back.. I think they succeeded in defeating me and breaking my spirit, because I dont have anything to give.. I just want to give in now, I'm too exhausted to keep this fight up..and I feel like what is the point? I can't see how I'm worth it at all and I can't ask others to hold on for me a bit longer when I don't feel like I can hold on..
Sometimes we don't know the inner strength we have until we have no choice but to summon every little bit of it to make it through the next hour ..
I make silly decisions sometimes. But those decisions are what keeps me going until I can find my inner strength. Those decisions that make me feel weak and stupid and worthless may be my only saving grace, because without those decisions I don't know if id still be here, still be trying despite the defeat I feel in my heart
The repercussions of telling have started now and just in time for me to start back at work tonight... Knew this would happen better of stay quiet should have known better
I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!!! I can't live in a world where all I get is hurt and pain... I can't live with all this pain anymore. I can't keep this facade up. I just can't do this anymore.. I'm done. I'm hurting and exhausted. No more trying I'm just done 
I'm tired of this, so freaking tired, I'm just trying to drive home safely and to be followed the whole way all 3 nights after work with high beams this is just ridiculous! I knew there would be repercussions from speaking but come on! I have the worst headache because I couldn't sleep a wink last night.. I'm so glad now that I'm getting away for the weekend cause I don't know how much more I can take.. being physically ill tonight from the anxiety and fear this invokes in me... I just want this to damn stop! I'm just trying to get back into the normal rhythm of my life working and therapy and such but it's a lot to handle especially with this added...
I'm finally away for a little bit and this really feels like the retreat I need... I've been thinking a lot on the advice people have given me both offline and here. I understand I do need to disconnect myself now 100%.. I still believe the old messages I was taught and unfortunately when I'm having a bad day or trying to understand the things that have happened, I rely on the old messages, excuses information I was given... It in a way makes sense why I would go back to that because its familiar, not safe but familiar and with everything at this time feeling so New and confusing. I revert to what I know... This is something I'm going to speak with my therapist about because I know that I have such a long way in healing to go, I don't even think I'm on the path properly yet..
Now onto lighter subject. This little cabin I'm staying at is sooooo beautiful, it's nestled right in the middle of nature, surrounded by nothing but trees and wildlife and I kinda don't want to leave... I will be offline for the rest of the weekend as I hike and find the waterfalls around, I thought I found one earlier but because of the drought there is no actual water...
My broken pieces won't mend back together.. even in nature I find no peace.. I think the time is now best for me to leave because I don't feel like I matter and i don't know how much more to try.. I don't feel like I've ever belonged I guess so I don't want to keep trying, it's easier and best for all if I just go now
@calmLake1999 I hope that your time away from everyhing IRL and from here allows you a bit of clarification into your world. You do talk like you are a ‘job to us, like you are something/someone that we all are forced to deal with. Well, that in itself is completely wrong. I am here for you because i want to be. I am here for you because i feel similar in wanting to walk away. I am here, because you are my friend. Take care, calm.
@PerfectStorm426 keep your head up and keep writing . Writing your feelings out is important .. if you need someone to talk to Im here !
My one and only safe space
Has been torn apart to shreds
This was the one and only place
Where I didn't feel that dread..
What was once so peaceful and full of so much love
Has gone and been destroyed,
By something I thought we were above
The hatred and divide
Has caused an unsettle inside
Now I feel the need
To retreat and find somewhere to hide
The feeling of support I don't know where to find..
No more being a burden,
No more hurting in this heart
This is me
Finally giving into the dark..
That shred of hope I thought I had
That showed a little light
Turns out it was just a fad
And now I'm giving up the fight
@calmLake1999
Im still here too, Calm <3
please use the check in for the support you need, I know its fragile, but hopefully you can find some safety there and if not, I hope you can find it within your self, you are strong and I believe in you, Calm
@calmLake1999
Oh Calm, there is still a little light.. please know that we are still here. We love you and care for you, so hold on to us. x
@calmLake1999 - I loved this piece...
@wontwakewontsleep @CalmLake1999
Agree, this was beautiful Calm, raw, honest and sore.