Hope is that glimmer of light inside of a dark night
So starting fresh, emotions not where i want to be, still not anywhere near where I want to be at the moment, but I kinda miss having a safe place to rant and put my poetry up and even make silly posts. Doubt there will be silly posts anytime soon, but I hope in time. As my title says Hope is that glimmer of light inside of a dark night, that is what I've been trying hard to hold onto, that small glimmer of hope to get me through this, its been difficult, well more than difficult, I have struggled immensely to comprehend anything right now, struggling how I managed to get myself into this situation again. I have been so appreciative of the support I have had during this time. I am in no way near even being anywhere close to where I was just a week and a bit ago, I was so ready to end the chapter of my life where I get hurt, get my power taken away and lose my voice. But in a way I have been heard this time, there are those still taking my choices from me, like not being able to work right now, as frustrated as it makes me feel, as I am feeling and told I am in wrong well not in so many words but still, being told there is a risk if I return to work at this time. Not helpful. Hmm enough ranting about that. There is still physical pain to contend with on top of the emotional pain but somehow I am making it through. My sleep is better but worse if that makes sense, I am sleeping so much the past week but also its not good sleep. My PTSD has been at its height while awake, hypervigilance, flashbacks, irritability, the whole shebang as well as I think my depression is the worse its been in a long time, bad bad thoughts, but I keep on keeping on. Im holding onto the support and care I have recieved this time around. I'll start this new diary off with a poem, the same poem I posted in my feed, its not in anyway good or looking for light, but its a poem reflective of how I feel. I am going to try to stress less about being positive or healing quickly in this new thread. I need to take it one day at a time, well 1 second at a time at the moment, but I am still trying, I am still here so that counts I think. Can't remember what I called this poem?
Broken and vulnerable again,
Old known hurt and pain
New wounds on parts of my soul
A chill in my body from the cold and rain
That night replaying like a horror show
My voice and screams, an unheard no!
A shutting down to protect in ways
A deep upset and broken shame
A fight now taken from my heart
Another fear now of the dark
A chance taken on becoming normal
A stupid decision thats left me vulnerable
A fight I never had the chance to win
And being told it was my sin
So many bruises and cuts to heal
Too many emotions I can feel
A week now has almost passed,
I dont know how I managed to last,
Feels like im barely surviving,
While I randomly begin crying
A bad friend to those who care
A wanting to be able to share,
Scared of seeing others agree
With the thoughts I have of me
I will end this on the hope that one day and hopefully soon, that hope that I hold in my heart for things to be better, for things to stop being this bad, for just a tiny little break from all the bad.. I hope one day this will no longer just be a far fetched idea for myself but something I am able to live and feel the freedom of no longer being harmed or silenced.
I'm done with the speaking now, kind of in a state of shock, numbness but also can feel the fear bubbling underneath.. I told all the secrets and just know the anger that will come from doing so.. I've gone against every single punishment, every single lesson, every fear filled day that I've lived until this moment.. my first instinct is to say how bad I am, telling the secrets I was forced to keep as a child and up until now was painful and scary as. The old and unshakeable thoughts are being relentless, being sucked into these very painful memories I had tried hard to bury, tried hard to justify... Didn't really realise that I was and probably still hold myself at fault for many of the painful things that happened.. each punishment I believe I deserved because I am bad, disobedient, worthless, rotten and unlovable.. each time he hurt me was because I wouldn't 'learn my lesson' because it was our game and our secret... I don't know how to make these memories stop, speaking them, going against everything I am seeing it.. I thought last week was exhausting but I broke the biggest secret of all. The secret I broke once before and got badly punished for, I have that fear but mostly I'm in shock that I told again... I don't know what comes next and I am fearful because I've been told that my mum will be in a lot of trouble for the things she has done but a part of me still wants to protect her, but I can't protect her without putting myself in danger still.. I did all this speaking and now I don't know why i did, it freaking hurts to voice it.. I have appointment with my therapist in half hour so hopefully she will help me find a way to make it stop, because I'm actually scared of how I'll manage to cope through the next few days
@calmLake1999
Echoing Wize on this one. With the addition that I will also be here sitting amongst the branches of this koala tree thing with you guys. *brings lioness plush*
Getting through the pushback stuff of coming out about stuff is really freaking difficult. But it's humbling to know that we all have that going on to some extent, but it's different for everyone via the intensity and everything. Wish there weren't any at all. Sending you some safe hugs, as well! <3
The ending is near,
Yet I still fear..
The pain of old
The secrets now told
A World of hurt
Unleashed on your little girl
An unwanted child
One that is far too Wild
Let's tame this beast
And make her all to meek
Let's ensure she never speaks
Blamed for all the punishment and pain
A Life of facing your constant disdain
Over a quarter of my life
I've spent far too quiet
Your game was to continue with the violence
And guaranteeing id always stay silent
But what comes now?
I can not yet say,
One thing for sure
This can't go your way
A Child is to be treated as someone all so precious
Not raised in a life by someone so vicious
I believe now my time has come
To rise above and find my own
A way through this hurt and dark prison inside
Learning now it's safe to speak and not hide
I'll find my worth and belonging in this world
Because I never was and never will be your good girl
I am free to finally try and find me
The One you will never get to see
A Child raised inside a vicious dark night
Will one day find a way to bring in the light
@calmLake1999 excellent poem! Lots of strength. Stuff we all know you have. I like when you tap into it.
@calmLake1999
Simply and beautifully expressed Calm. x
Kinda hating on myself right now, there must be something in my personality that people see as a weak thing, must be because I guess I'm a pushover and easily manipulated.. I really got to work on my inner strength and knowing how to say no to things that I know isn't good for my health.. and now I'm all worked up again and id only just got myself settled, I really got to do something about myself
@calmLake1999 hmmm. Tread lightly perhaps, as that quality that you see as weak, could possibly be the quality that makes you so sweet and caring. I face this as well if that is the case. The things that make us good humans, are also the things that are a weak spot in our armor. Your heart. My heart. You have a huge heart, and i do not see that as a weakness.
@PerfectStorm426
I get that I really do but my big heart also gets used against me, I put my needs behind others and i mean to try and be assertive but a few well placed words and few feeding into things that make me feel guilty as is and I'm doing things I shouldn't for my own wellness... For example tonight, I'm not supposed to be back at work yet but suddenly I'm scheduled to work tomorrow even though I said to management I would talk with my doctor to see if I can go back, and then I ended up going in to help even though I'm not even suppose to be there because I care about those residents like really really care and they I guess guilted me into it because they didnt know how to handle the situation... I'm mad at myself because I wasn't assertive and went in anyways... Gah sorry rant over
Hmm more thoughts for my diary tonight, guess just really can not turn my brain or my anxiety off... I'm trying to remind myself that this anxiety and fear I'm feeling right now is all natural, it's part of this process.. hell I lived my whole 26 years of this life in fear, being silenced and just being punished every single time I'd try to break free or try to speak or anything even similar.. when I first sought out therapy I went in never expecting to form a bond or want to speak, but slowly with trust I began to want to tell her why I am the way I am, but that doesn't work because I don't understand why I am... But this forced speaking, this needing to speak because it's the only way I'll be free it's put me so on edge because I'm waiting unfortunately I'm used to waiting for the punishment to come.. I'm waiting for the consequences of going against everything I was ever taught.. I've faced a ton of punishment in the past few weeks and I don't know if I contribute that to the more idk how to explain but kinda like the more confident and comfortable I became in myself, the worse the punishment became, I mean yeah I've faced one of these punishments before but I'd distanced myself from even being around men except for work and still this found me again and its thrown me so far backwards, because I really freaking hate my body again, I hate that I attract these bad men whether it be through her or not, they still find me and they still want to hurt me and I can't understand why? I can't understand why someone would want to hurt someone in that way and turn around and put it on the person. To be called a worthless whore again and it just sticks in my brain and I hate that those words feel like who I am because of these people.. I so want to believe that I'm not but I don't know how, I guess I've got a long road of trying to process and undo the damage that's been done.. but maybe I'll always be damaged and I have to learn to find a way to be ok with that... I really don't know I thought maybe typing out my thoughts would help but it hasn't so much
I'm in the headspace that I need to get out of my headspace and the only thing I find comforting is being on my cliffs which is the one place I'm not allowed to go but I think I need to break that now because I need to be in the one place where I can be away from my headspace, it may be freezing cold and pitch Black out but I need to be away from my own thoughts... I think I'm putting this in my diary as a sort of promise to myself that I'll go there but I'll be safe, just really need to try to get away from my own mind before I spiral any further
I'm having quite a bitter angry moment right now, the cliff thing really did nothing for my mind state except probably to put bad thoughts in my head... I'm just so dn angry right now, I don't even really care about anything right now because what is the point? What's the point in this, my life has been a constant freaking neverending cycle of fear like seriously wtf? I don't understand I have tried hard to be better than I was always told but it's still never been enough, I've never been enough and I'm mad actually really quite mad and just makes me not want to do this anymore because I don't want to be a mad or angry person... I freaking hate everything that's happened, I hate that I don't feel safe and i hate this constant exhaustion and fight it really doesn't feel like it's going to stop.. and I feel like I'm in a dangerous mood right now dangerous for myself because I can't stop this bitter angry feeling I have and I just really don't want to try anymore, I'm so done with trying and having the same things happen over and over again.. it never freaking matters if I try hard not to be what they say I am because I still get punished and hurt and assaulted and I am so so done with tryong
Trigger sorry but bad language
Fuck it I'm done, this being mad and bitter doesn't solve anything, I can't solve anything, I try and try and try but idk why because I don't deserve it... Should probably reach out to my therapist or something but being 1 in the morning limits it and I just I can't anymore... I can't keep reaching out when I dont know what support I need, I just need this fucking violence towards me to stop, I need to stop having the flashbacks, I need to be anyone but me because being me has given me nothing but a whole world of hurt and pain to carry around, I can't keep going through this life being me I've had enough.. I'm tired and done.. I'm so fucking tired of being me and seeing his face and feeling what he did to me, I'm tired of the triggers I can't identify that keep throwing me back to the night where he raped me and was so fucking violent all cause I tried to fight back cause I said no.. I can't keep seeing him, or seei ng her and the attack in thepark... I just can't be me anymore... Please I just need this to stop now!!!
❤️
It's so hard to not have this generalised anger right now, I just feel angry I guess it's better than the sadness and defeat I was feeling earlier in the day, but I don't even know if this anger is even productive for me, it's just this sheer frustration with everything, this frustration that I become extremely anxious just sitting in the waiting room of my doctors, which is what I'm doing now and it's a weird mix of anxiety and idk if it's anger or irritability with myself maybe... I keep looking over my shoulder and just dreading what comes next that I fear being out of my bed... Even though I don't feel safe there at least there is measures I can take like barricade the door and stuff.. but being out i feel exposed and vulnerable but angry as well because I shouldn't be having to look over my shoulder... Just kinda feel like all of the work I put in over the past 2 years have just been for nothing now I feel like further away from healing than ever and its frustrating because I want to and I keep going to all the appointments I'm supposed to but its judt.. gahh actually I think I just really want to scream and cry but can't cause I'm in public and need to keep it together 
I felt safety, actual safety for the first time that I can remember and it idk its got me feeling a little of hope... I had a massive breakdown while at doctor visit today, started seeing again and my doctor helped me which gave me this sense of safety, she helped me out of seeing and managed to offer me comfort without touching which is important for me... I felt safe and cared for there and for the first time in my offscreen life I felt like maybe I could be safe, that maybe it is possible for me to find this thing that has always seemed so elusive to me... I'm completely wiped though, because had to have stitches out and had no sleep last night which never helps but maybe this is the glimmer of light that I have been waiting for... I have been feeling all my emotions in the extreme, they have been so intense but maybe it's because I'm changing and because I've actively done so much to try to become safe.. I feel like I wanted someone to see how much I'm hurting because they all say I'm strong but I had to let the wall down a little as well, I had to show that I'm struggling and trust that I wouldn't get in trouble for showing my emotions, even though it wasn't something I purposefully did, being stuck and couldn't get out, I think she seen the vulnerable and raw me, the me I don't often let people see because that vulnerability can get me hurt, but she helped me, she assured me time and again that I'm safe now and I started to believe it and actually let her help me see I am safe there... I feel drained but not in a bad way, in a way that I might sleep tonight without having the constant nightmare.. I'm hoping this is the little bit of a break I needed, I'm hoping this will give me little strength to keep fighting through this, because maybe one day I will feel this safety, maybe one day I will deserve to be safe..
Wondering why there always seems to be a little setback or sadness when I feel like I've made a breakthrough of sorts... I'm feeling like I need to retreat into myself again, I just don't understand why my emotions are so intense and why now I'm feeling this profound sadness, literally haven't been able to stop myself from crying, id hoped after the appointment that I would feel stronger or maybe have a reprieve from feeling things so intensely but I just feel so sad that I can't feel or find that safety that I had felt when I was with my doctor and Im frustrated with myself for feeling like this 😢
