Hope is that glimmer of light inside of a dark night
So starting fresh, emotions not where i want to be, still not anywhere near where I want to be at the moment, but I kinda miss having a safe place to rant and put my poetry up and even make silly posts. Doubt there will be silly posts anytime soon, but I hope in time. As my title says Hope is that glimmer of light inside of a dark night, that is what I've been trying hard to hold onto, that small glimmer of hope to get me through this, its been difficult, well more than difficult, I have struggled immensely to comprehend anything right now, struggling how I managed to get myself into this situation again. I have been so appreciative of the support I have had during this time. I am in no way near even being anywhere close to where I was just a week and a bit ago, I was so ready to end the chapter of my life where I get hurt, get my power taken away and lose my voice. But in a way I have been heard this time, there are those still taking my choices from me, like not being able to work right now, as frustrated as it makes me feel, as I am feeling and told I am in wrong well not in so many words but still, being told there is a risk if I return to work at this time. Not helpful. Hmm enough ranting about that. There is still physical pain to contend with on top of the emotional pain but somehow I am making it through. My sleep is better but worse if that makes sense, I am sleeping so much the past week but also its not good sleep. My PTSD has been at its height while awake, hypervigilance, flashbacks, irritability, the whole shebang as well as I think my depression is the worse its been in a long time, bad bad thoughts, but I keep on keeping on. Im holding onto the support and care I have recieved this time around. I'll start this new diary off with a poem, the same poem I posted in my feed, its not in anyway good or looking for light, but its a poem reflective of how I feel. I am going to try to stress less about being positive or healing quickly in this new thread. I need to take it one day at a time, well 1 second at a time at the moment, but I am still trying, I am still here so that counts I think. Can't remember what I called this poem?
Broken and vulnerable again,
Old known hurt and pain
New wounds on parts of my soul
A chill in my body from the cold and rain
That night replaying like a horror show
My voice and screams, an unheard no!
A shutting down to protect in ways
A deep upset and broken shame
A fight now taken from my heart
Another fear now of the dark
A chance taken on becoming normal
A stupid decision thats left me vulnerable
A fight I never had the chance to win
And being told it was my sin
So many bruises and cuts to heal
Too many emotions I can feel
A week now has almost passed,
I dont know how I managed to last,
Feels like im barely surviving,
While I randomly begin crying
A bad friend to those who care
A wanting to be able to share,
Scared of seeing others agree
With the thoughts I have of me
I will end this on the hope that one day and hopefully soon, that hope that I hold in my heart for things to be better, for things to stop being this bad, for just a tiny little break from all the bad.. I hope one day this will no longer just be a far fetched idea for myself but something I am able to live and feel the freedom of no longer being harmed or silenced.
I hit my breaking point, I snapped and could not be strong anymore, it was just idk too overwhelming and I couldn't see a way through it anymore, I broke and did something that was so weak of me.. I guess I have to be thankful for my lawyer worrying after she gave me too much to think on and that she checked on me, forcing me to seek help, even though I wasn't very nice and made her go away once there.. but if it weren't for her I wouldn't be here typing so I guess that counts for something... I feel like I'm literally at my rock bottom I don't see how to get up from here, the pain is intense and just really feels like no matter how hard I try I'll never be free.. I failed myself a little by giving up, I broke a part of me that I don't know how to fix, id always fought so hard and I just gave up. Overwhelmed intense overload and too much having happened in the past few weeks and my spirit just stopped burning. It didn't want to burn anymore because maybe just maybe it's easier this way.. but I'm still alive- lost, broken, emotional and hopeless but I'm still here
@calmLake1999 i am thankful u are still here, calm. Try to stay strong
@calmLake1999 oh Calm 😞 I am thankful you are still here too ❤️ because I know ONE day you are going to begin to feel the weight begin to start to lift. It may just be a little, but it WILL come. I dont know if you are good with imagery at all or not, but could you draw me something? A picture of you passing Wize, storm, North, Cal , singer and me each a giant boulder from a pile or something symbolic of the same that you carry? Pass us some of the weight youre carrying - we can help pack some of this up this steep hill until it becomes a downward trek and easier load ❤️❤️😘😘
I have so much hope for you in your journey. I love you!
@purpleWest8143
Hi West, hope your well... Umm this imagery thing I probably could draw something but I don't want others to carry the weight for me, this is on me, all this stuff that has happened is on me and I feel like I need to shoulder it... I don't know how to be strong enough anymore... Love you 2 💖
*trigger warning*
I'm lost in this blank nothingness of pain, stupid decisions I make but can't help wishing it would have worked, a part of me doesn't even know what I'm holding on for, there is no hope left, nothing but pain and exhaustion, this sheer exhaustion that overwrites, this pain and hurt that says it'll never get better.. and I know this might be just a faze but I also am so scared that it's not that this all I have to look forward to in my life.. I don't feel like I'll ever be free and that what am I fighting for? I wasn't going to write after my last Post because it was quite sad and dark but that's what I'm feeling now and I feel like if I don't get it out I'm going to break again, although I don't think it's possible to break when your already broken.. I feel fragile and vulnerable.. I feel like I'm not the person I had hoped I would be, I feel like they have won, they broke me so much that the fight and spirit inside of me has given up.. I don't know how to get up from here and I wish the past few weeks didn't happen, I was making progress even though it didn't seem like that but now I really have nothing left to give.. the attempt I made was I thought the lowest I could get but it's not because I feel lower than I did when I made that decision, I guess a part of me hoped that was it. That was the end. Id given myself an out that didn't work and I'm sad, miserable and a little resentful.. then having be assessed and talk every day now, just idk will this stop?
Just journalling.. Things have been excruciatingly tough, every time I speak to those I'm supposed to speak wtih I just want to give up even more.. Thought that cause I had hit my absolute rock bottom in trying to just give up on life, it would be a turning point I guess, but it really hasn't the thoughts are plaguing me more often... and I know it's weak and selfish of me to think this way, but i've had way too much thrown at me in the space of a few weeks.. I've had to deal with being assaulted by a man who wouldn't take no for an answer, and it seemed each time I became more assertive the worse things got until they just couldn't possibly get any worse, then I spoke up which is something new for me, I went to the hospital, police and got a lawyer, then he came back, which frightened me and made me want to not speak anymore but somehow I found something inside of me to go against again, then I had to move into temporary accomodation in order to be safe against my mother which didnt work anyway, i wasnt freaking safe... I go to the park with Jasper just trying to find some sort of normality in a very difficult situation where I felt like I'd completely lost control of my life and I got attacked by her, I knew she wouldn't give up and I knew I was stupid in trying to be free but I kept trying, I still keep trying.. and now I have to speak on everything absolutely everything and its exhausting and its wrong, it goes against every single lesson and punishment I've ever been told... I guess thats why I hit my breaking point, I physically and emotionally just couldn't do this anymore, I still feel like I can't... I want to be stronger, I want to heal, I want to be free but I just can NOT see that happening for me... All this speaking and telling is wrong, thats all my brain keeps telling me.. I know it's to keep me safe but I don't feel like I deserve to be safe, the past few weeks alone have shown me that I'm not going to be no matter how hard I try, so what is the point in keeping going? What is the point in fighting? What is the point in trying to be free???? I have restrictions placed on me now by my therapist and I get its for my "safety" but I can't drive, can't go for road trips because of my physical well being and now I can't even go to my cliffs..
I just ok logically I see why I'm not allowed on my cliffs at the moment, because my head is still in a very dark place, especially with all the seeing and feeling it all again... But I just don't know what I'm even holding on for anymore, I dont see this ever getting better.. And I just hurt all of the time, there is no break, there is no peace,, there is just nothing but constant reminders of how broken I am.. They did break me and I don't want them to have that power but emotionally I am broken, I am exhausted of this fight.. The thoughts and I'm not even sure they are my own, but they just keep telling me that the world would be a better place without me in it.. And all I really really want is for it all to go away! I just, I can't even breathe.. I feel like I'm suffocating and there doesnt feel like there will ever be a break in the waves... Is it too much for me to ask for just a little break, a little peace, a little safety? I think and I really don't know whether this is right or not, but I think I want some sort of comfort or security.. Every touch I've felt in the past few weeks have been hurting touches, been hit, brusied attacked and even skin broken and it just always hurts!! When does it stop? When is there a break in the pain and sadness that is overtaking my life? When will I start seeing a light in this very long and dark tunnel??
Dang it now I'm second guessing putting that post up because well it's my fault these bad things happen and my fault got the restrictions 😢
Hate therapy hate having to speak and this telling it goes against everything I've been taught. I can't do this, there will be so so much more trouble for doing this and I can't take no more hurting please please no more hurting 
I really really just want it to end now... I'm exhausted, how do i keep doing this?? 
I don't know what the answer is to make me feel any better, I've done all the things I'm being asked to do but now leaving me drained and not wanting to fight, I seriously just want to give up now, there is only so much I can do before I want to break.. I'm supposed to attend therapy every day right now and speak to my lawyer again tomorrow to continue telling but I can't physically bring myself to speak anymore... I really don't know how to cope, I don't feel like I deserve any support even though I keep reaching out maybe I should put myself on break, on hold... I feel like I want support and help to get through this but I can't keep doing it... No more just no more of this please
Hi Calm
We know you're doing the very best you can. we know its been so overwhelming for you, and can understand its hard to keep going.Your therapist and your lawyer are on your side. they want to help you through this. Can you tell them how hard it is to keep talking about this, and maybe they will give you a break. We are here with you, and love and care for you and want to support you. Please keep talking with us. x
A pained deep feeling of being utterly alone
An exhaustion that reaches straight down to my bones
I have no one else to blame but myself
An unfortunate ache from being unable to rest..
A fear of pushing everyone away
A wanting for someone just to stay
Not allowing my need for support
A faked facade that no one has bought..
A long and draining full filled days
Of speaking what I'm supposed to not say
A fear that reaches into my chest
Making it impossible to breathe or let
Unable to stay in the present or ground
A longing for peace that won't be found
Supposed to be safe is what they say
But not knowing that those who want to hurt
Will always find a way
Breathe and feel yourself in the moment
I can feel the warmth of my bed
And the safety it's supposed to provide in there
But I also feel the hurting
And the need to stay hidden
Because who could possibly care
For this girl who is ridden
With hurt and pain
And suffering inside...
Maybe I was right
In my need to hide
@calmLake1999 ...I care ...
sorry for not being stronger than this
sorry for being unable to handle any of it
sorry for wanting to give up this fight
sorry for not being able to see the light
sorry for crying and getting stuck with no way out
sorry that I cant make myself ground
the hurt and pain override
any goodness i feel i might possibly have inside
a break from the hurt and speaking i need
somehow a path away from this will it lead?
the sadness and grief fill my eyes
how can i possibly see past their lies?
a fractured and broken down mind
some sense of safety, may I find?
i speak and speak of things that mustnt be told,
i talk of the pain and hurting from old
i break the secrets and promises i made
and feel myself as the bad they bade
will I ever be stronger than this,
somehow I doubt because I feel something amiss
@calmLake1999 you just be you. And be the best you that you can be. You can do it. I believe in you, calm.
@PerfectStorm426
Im trying, just dont have any strength left. Thank you Storm
@calmLake1999
Pretty much what Storm-senpai said. Sitting with you with your ninja friend. <3 *safe hugs if they're okay*
hope your doing okay @CaloenasNicobarica thank you, cal.
@PerfectStorm426
Late AF on this, but damn it, Storm-sensei... you deserve hugs and kindness, too.
I'm hurting and want it all to end, the nights and days seem so long with no ending near.. don't know how to keep going and what even the point is? 
I think what I need, is I need people to see, see past the facade I put up.. I need someone to see that I am struggling to face each day, I am struggling to do anything right now.. My heart says give up because I am not worth the fight, but my soul just wants someone to see this, see that I am struggling.. And maybe its a little or a lot of my fault because I put the facade up, I push harder every day to do more speaking, but they don't see me, they don't see the light has gone out, they don't see the pain I so clearly see reflected, I feel like no one see me, and I feel lost and like I don't and never will belong in this world... My heart and soul has too many wounds that just can not be fixed.. I am still trying, I will keep trying, but I am so so lost, so so hurt and so so tired.. I want to be seen before I give up the hope that maybe just maybe I'm not worth the fight after all...