Hope is that glimmer of light inside of a dark night
So starting fresh, emotions not where i want to be, still not anywhere near where I want to be at the moment, but I kinda miss having a safe place to rant and put my poetry up and even make silly posts. Doubt there will be silly posts anytime soon, but I hope in time. As my title says Hope is that glimmer of light inside of a dark night, that is what I've been trying hard to hold onto, that small glimmer of hope to get me through this, its been difficult, well more than difficult, I have struggled immensely to comprehend anything right now, struggling how I managed to get myself into this situation again. I have been so appreciative of the support I have had during this time. I am in no way near even being anywhere close to where I was just a week and a bit ago, I was so ready to end the chapter of my life where I get hurt, get my power taken away and lose my voice. But in a way I have been heard this time, there are those still taking my choices from me, like not being able to work right now, as frustrated as it makes me feel, as I am feeling and told I am in wrong well not in so many words but still, being told there is a risk if I return to work at this time. Not helpful. Hmm enough ranting about that. There is still physical pain to contend with on top of the emotional pain but somehow I am making it through. My sleep is better but worse if that makes sense, I am sleeping so much the past week but also its not good sleep. My PTSD has been at its height while awake, hypervigilance, flashbacks, irritability, the whole shebang as well as I think my depression is the worse its been in a long time, bad bad thoughts, but I keep on keeping on. Im holding onto the support and care I have recieved this time around. I'll start this new diary off with a poem, the same poem I posted in my feed, its not in anyway good or looking for light, but its a poem reflective of how I feel. I am going to try to stress less about being positive or healing quickly in this new thread. I need to take it one day at a time, well 1 second at a time at the moment, but I am still trying, I am still here so that counts I think. Can't remember what I called this poem?
Broken and vulnerable again,
Old known hurt and pain
New wounds on parts of my soul
A chill in my body from the cold and rain
That night replaying like a horror show
My voice and screams, an unheard no!
A shutting down to protect in ways
A deep upset and broken shame
A fight now taken from my heart
Another fear now of the dark
A chance taken on becoming normal
A stupid decision thats left me vulnerable
A fight I never had the chance to win
And being told it was my sin
So many bruises and cuts to heal
Too many emotions I can feel
A week now has almost passed,
I dont know how I managed to last,
Feels like im barely surviving,
While I randomly begin crying
A bad friend to those who care
A wanting to be able to share,
Scared of seeing others agree
With the thoughts I have of me
I will end this on the hope that one day and hopefully soon, that hope that I hold in my heart for things to be better, for things to stop being this bad, for just a tiny little break from all the bad.. I hope one day this will no longer just be a far fetched idea for myself but something I am able to live and feel the freedom of no longer being harmed or silenced.
Feeling too much again, I try to keep getting self out of it, try to let self get support but feel like don't deserve anything good, stupid hating quite bit on those who keep hurting me and telling me how worthless am, how people hurt me and tell me keep it secret, not want keep these secrets no more, what good they do me? They keep get me hurt, but get hurt no matter what I do, I tell get hurt, stay quiet get hurt, run, hide, do everything suppose do legally and still never feel like it enough, because still get hurt.. there like a dark storm clouds hnging over head and I just can't get out of it. My umbrella is not thick enough to keep me from feeling the impacts, going quiet feels like only safe way to deal but also know it not the answer either... I'm so torn, so trying to see what good I've done by getting help, the fear is so prominent and takes over the feeling like this was right... Confused also how it keeps happening, why it keeps happening, trying not to unload too much on people anymore because feel unsaveable, feeling so broken which was their goal, their goal was to break me, break the hope for freedom and safety and it succeeded... Why continue to fight when I feel in my heart that I don't deserve to fight. That I don't deserve to be free... I dont really know I'm just going through some really crappy things and have to keep trying to beat the pain before it knocks me down again..
I'm questioning myself, what is wrong with me? I still hold love in my heart for the one person who hurt me the most, I feel broken by her words and need to keep me silent. And I feel so guilty for going against her after making a promise (even though it was a promise I only made to make it stop) I've never been one to break the promises I make in my life or I try very hard not to. But just wondering why I still hold on to that love? What does it say about me that I can love someone who has hurt me so much? What does it say about me that I can love someone who holds no regard whatsoever to me being safe, to me being uninjured? Is it because of my love that I keep getting hurt?
Need put plan in place to stay awake during day, it's really hard, know I'm supposed be on bed rest and be good and do what doc says but spent last 2 days sleeping throughout the day and night which don't like to begin with because don't like sleeping and sleeping just makes me see it all again... Is not much can do right now but maybe could try write some poetry or do some art.. it's kinda a catch 22 at moment, when awake got so much pain both physical and emotional but when I sleep I see it all again... Constant thoughts and images and emotions is lots to deal with, but on bright side do get car back today too so maybe once feel little better can start go for drives again, glad though that getting break from speaking it all again, think lawyer knows I'm really overwhelmed by all that has happened, it's lots to deal with especially how everything just seem keep getting worse.. I wonder if things do get worse before get better? I hope so because can not take getting hurt anymore it takes all that strength and hope from me, just has left me feeling like been completely broken and that I am bad, cause if wasn't bad then the bad things wouldn't keep happening...
Ok so triple checking so not stuff up again, make sure posting in right place, feel so stupid and embarrassed cause normal I triple check everything before post but didn't this time, just hit post before even check where it going, think part cause brain is so foggy from the medicine doc has me on and part because I was scared initially to post too because it pretty mean to my mum didn't want it be but just need get it off my chest. Felt like putting these things out there is mean and go against being good which is what want to do.. also retreated and deactivated account cause it felt like that was sign I shouldn't be here, shouldn't be posting and shouldn't be seeking support, kinda worried myself into mess all day but found needed get on and get it fixed plus apologize lots... Ok gonna try put it out there again just gotta triple or maybe like check million times it in right place..
Soooo many thoughts today, being more awake guess now they want be dealt with, but really not in place to deal with them just yet... Things that happened make me want be quiet but also make me want scream that enough is enough and I tried so freaking hard to be good, but hmm maybe should write this directed at her might be easier....
You know you shot yourself in the foot. I deserve better, hurting me the way you have was really the last straw. I never wanted you in trouble or no consequence for what you have done in past, but you showed me that I won't be safe unless I deal with this in the proper way.. I do not know what I did to deserve so much hatred and pain from you, I tried so hard to be good enough for you but it wasn't enough. I disappeared from your life like you asked, I never was going to take it further. I was never going to go to the authorities about what you had done, but it still wasn't enough. You don't have right to attack me and make me promise not to speak, because I have the right to use my voice to heal. You have no right to make me feel like this is the end and that I don't deserve good things in my life. No one has the right to hurt anyone the way you did for me. This pain is not right nor fair because I did NOTHING but protect your damn secrets, yet you attack me and make me promise to not speak anymore. All I wanted was to heal from the emotional and psychological scars you had left on my soul. I just wanted freedom and safety. But now I know this will make you even madder with me, that is not on me though. You do not get to take my safety again from me. You do not get to hurt me and expect me to stay quiet about it. You do not get to keep changing the rules to your sick games, I deserve better. I tried so hard to be a good daughter, be a good sister, be a good human. Despite all the hurt and hatred you showed me I still hold love for you. I still try to be kind in this world when I could become bitter the way your are. I don't know if this makes me better than you, I try not to think I'm better than anyone, but then again you have me feeling that I am bad no matter what I do. You have me feeling like I'm worthless, like I deserve only pain and hatred and sadness. You have me feeling that I deserve to be hurt by bad men, but I am gonna try be stronger than that, I'm gonna try to heal physically and emotionally and try no longer show you the fear that you seem to thrive off of. I will stand against you and not silently this time, I say no more hurting for me, no more punishment and no more feeling like all I deserve is pain. Because damn it I really do try hard but you will never see that, you can not see beyond this hatred you have for me and I am sorry that I can't ever be good enough in your eyes, but I gotta be good enough for me, I gotta realise that I do deserve good things, I've gotta believe in me when you have tried hard to make it impossible. I am going to wipe my hands of protecting the screts, staying silent and letting you get away with such violence. I'm sorry that you will have to face the consequences of what you have done. But this can NOT be allowed to continue. This is the stand for me to hold onto the hope that one day I will finally find that safety.
@calmLake1999
Calm *biggest safest hugs* so proud of you for getting all of that off your chest... read that again and again, tell that yourself all over again, enough is enough Calm 💖 love ya
Second guessing post put up yesterday, feel bad to do that, to talk negative bout her... Already did bad thing by telling and breaking promise now speaking more bout it, feel so bad for doing... Got lots pain because of her but not mean should write negative bout her 🙁
@calmLake1999 hi calm. I only have a minute and you can take this for what its worth. I am proud of you for this post that u are now second guessing. This is all new to you i know, but u are pointing the finger where it belongs. So yes, it is scary. But its all the truth. And the truth will set you free. Hey, u dont wanna know what i would write about this woman. I think i would make u blush and her cry. But that is me. So, do not punish yourself for finally figuring out who to blame. I know it hurts, but she brought this on herself, i are not doing it fir something to do. You are doing it to heal and focus. Because you deserve to heal. And i want you to.
I'm exhausted, completely exhausted, tried hard push past my fear of showing, didn't want to show but had to, now exhausted, just not know how much more I can give 😢
And all at once there's a black cloud coming made of gasoline.
I'm feeling too upset the price, make sure that nothing's free.
One way to move forward is to learn who's stopping me.
Yeah! This is the end, this is the end, calling for revolution.
Burn! Like a fire in the ring, like a fire in the ring.
This is the end, this is the end, calling for revolution. Yeah!
We were taught that progression means accumulating more.
Yeah, if it's up to protect ourselves well why are we at war?
And isn't it obvious we're adding up the score?
@calmLake1999
good choice Calm 
have it in my ears 
had to get out for a drive even though I'm not supposed to but meh... Needed to see the sunrise to remind myself just exactly why I keep holding on, because there is always another Sunrise to see, another unexplored(for me) place to hike, another cliff to rest on, another mountain to hike... There is much more for me to see in this world, I will not be defines by what has happened to me.. I might be bruised and broken at the moment but my spirit has still got a fire burning, maybe just the embers at the moment but that Fire will burn strong again... I can't give up yet because I am still young and life still has good things to offer me... Thus is something I've got to remember when things get tough and I can't hold on
@calmLake1999
Lovely colors in that picture, I feel they reached you- know that sounds hokey and crap...but I hope you get to embrace that lovely nature some more and process things in a safe environment just simply be allowed to take a break from those overwhelming emotions and processing. There's so much beauty in this world, though can be hard to see that we also possess it.
Sending love from across that big old pond.
@CaloenasNicobarica
Thanks Cal, doesn't sound hokey at all. While sitting watching that Sunrise, I actually felt for the first time in weeks this semblance of peace, not quite the peace I used to get but enough to remind me that I can get back to where I was or maybe even surpass that.... Sending love your way too Cal, hope your doing well 💖
Trying to ground back to the present with some music which is probably not great to do first thing in the morning but seriously struggling to ground again after the dream, plus the pain, isn't sleep supposed to be healing that is what I'm supposed to be doing right now is healing physically at least and my stupid brain decide it good to make me continue to relive things in my dream, which in turn cause my ribs to ache even more than they have been before I went sleep... And the stupid medication make it impossible to wake from the nightmares, feel so physically ill, would just like to stop having to see these things
Trying so hard to try and find some sort of footing but it's so impossible when I'm not allowed to do anything 😣 just don't know where to even go from here, kinda feel like I'm stuck in limbo, like speaking was wrong because I'm literally stuck until after some things have been sorted... I don't know how this is supposed to be freedom or safety feeling because if anything it feels like I'm being constantly punished, hard enough to cope with my emotions and thoughts let alone the pain that is here 24/7 but only way to settle that some is to take the medication whereas medication is itself a huge trigger and its frustrating because I can't even be normal or whatever because I can't do basic things like follow doctors orders without having anxiety, literal panic attacks which make everything hurt more.. plus the sleep thing supposed to be resting and I'm assuming that also means let myself sleep to heal physically but I'm waking from the nightmares in agony becahse I'm not resting I'm seeing the bad things on repeat constantly and I really don't want to see them anymore, I know it's over, I understand that I have done everything humanly possible to make myself safe but that doesn't stop my old or new fears 🙁
I think this intense pain I am feeling right now and over the past almost 2 weeks is such a huge contributer to my mood and to the fact that I just can not stop these constant images of the bad stuff.. it all built up in a space of a few weeks and i guess rationally it makes sense why I'm unable to feel anything but defeated even though I am continuing to fight for my freedom and safety.. I'm probably going to be stuck in this limbo space for a while and I've just got to cope in the best way I possibly can, if I think or try to think rationally I would never think someone else to be weak like I think myself under these circumstances... It's been a living nightmare for me the past 2-3 months, things descended from bad to extreme really quickly and I guess I'm still here so that says something.. I've also got to get out of this hide mode I'm in, I have been avoiding my therapist and really anyone who could help offer me support and insight because I feel like a failure. I feel like a failure because I feel like giving up. I have felt like this worse over the past few days, all honesty with myself right now, I haven't seen the point in continuing to live in this life because it hurts so damn much and it feels useless, it feels like I'm not meant to have anything better, it feels like I'm not meant to feel safe, secure, free or loved and I just, I guess i really am extremely exhausted because it feels like it'll never end, I try to tell myself that I am safe and its over but it doesn't feel like its over... I'm stuck in this seemingly neverending days of pain, thoughts and replays of why I had to be punished, how it felt to be punished and how freaking scared I was and I keep trying to tell myself that I held on in that moment for a reason but I can't find what that reason was for... I don't see the point in continuing to fight and I hate that I have to rely on others to keep me safe, I don't want anyone to ever be hurt because they are protecting me and I don't think they understand that she really is dangerous and I would much rather myself be hurt than anyone else, and I don't mean that in a way of me being like masochistic or anything but where I feel like I deserve it. I definitely don't want to be protected if there is a slight possibility that I am the reason behind her violent ways, by her continuing to come after me and hurt me badly I must have stuffed up somewhere and that means that I shouldn't be protected and this quite possibly is the reason I don't want to fight anymore, that I have lost the will to continue because I don't know where messed up and I don't know how to fix it if I did.. I just, if there is somewhere I've messed up enough to deserve all of this I need to figure it out now, because having these people I barely know want to protect me is kinda scary and I feel like I really don't deserve them. I don't really even know how to keep making it through. I really feel like I'm stuck in this want to give up but also wanting to keep fighting, and I don't even know how I got here, all I really wanted all my life is safety and freedom away from the violence and mind games and abuse but I feel like in trying to get away from it all I made it so much worse and feel like I shouldn't have tried to be free in the first place...