Confusion within Hatred & Anger
Right now I'm conflicted and confused because I want to hate and get angry at people that have taken me for granted who I have loved and trusted, but for the life of me I don't know how to, it ends up comming back on myself without realising which in turn is destroying the good that I've done for the last 16 months, well it feels that I am destroying something, even if I may not. I have always battled this particular thought and emotion set for many years and am questioning if I learn how to or not.
I choose not to do anything but love because I have been through some very traumatic things I don't want anyone to experience and as a result the love I have especially for one who I haven't encountered yet and those that I know and have known is driving me past haterd and anger so they remain in happiness and uplifted, if not by my doing by something that is their happiness.
- Ink
@InkStainedFingers
Hello Ink :)
It sounds like you're saying you have compassion for others, and don't want them to feel bad in the ways you have in your life. Even though they perhaps don't deserve that compassion. Is that right?
Three things spring to mind. Firstly, your needs are as important as anyone else's. I wonder if you actually believe that, or if you naturally put other people's needs first, at the expense of your own.
Secondly, would you say you're exhibiting people pleasing behaviour? I think this can be an old habit related to specific circumstances in the past, and we then carry this behaviour through our life. The thing is, you don't need other people's approval to be a worthy and valuable person. But it sounds like you seek it. I wonder how you might overcome that?
And thirdly, it's okay to be angry at other people. It sounds like you internalise that anger, but it's okay to express it you know. And if it's not comfortable for you to let people know you're angry, then can you vent it in other ways? Take a deep breath and bellow that anger and frustration out. Just don't turn it on yourself, because it's not fair that you carry the negative feelings and thoughts created by others. Just as you have compassion for others, remember to spare some for yourself.
@DeborahUK
Thank you for your easier to follow breakdown of my thought process, what you have said is truth within myself and I am working through this current set of thoughts with a caseworker and one of the psychologists I see. Everything is understood and parts are being adressed slowly or at least as fast as I can handle them. I'm just comming to terms with a realisation I made when I was 13 that has been hidden/buried until recently which is the desire and want to walk away, which as you've seen in this thought is hard for me to do. I know I have mentioned it before on these forums, but it made me stop and think when my psychologist asked me "What does your 13 year old self want to do", this was inside a discussion we were having relating to this thought not more than 2 weeks ago and over this past weekend, well from Thursday really, I have revisited this which still brings up what I wrote about.
I am relearning to believe and trust in myself which hasn't been a quick road but what is on the road to a better self. Thank you again for taking the time to interact with me. I appreciate everyone who does.
- Ink
