Breaking Silence after 5 years

It seems crazy to me that it will be 5 years since then this September. Time seems to be moving so slowly causing every day to drag along, still those 5 (4 1/2) years have passed like it was nothing.

I hope this might help in the long run as, like the last and only time, I will probably end up having a panic attack whilest writing this.

Back in my old highschool, at the age of 12, I was bullied relentlessly due to the fact that (by now I realised I am transgender female to male) I dressed up like a guy, was rather shy and a really nerdy kid. I got kicked around, ridiculed and insulted daily. Because of all this, which isn't even the relevant part here, I had extreme anxiety on my way to school.

*might be triggering*

Now there was a day where I just couldn't handle it, mind me there were a lot of them were I skipped school or would start crying in class. So standing in front of my school, my best friend next to me, I just turned around and ran down the street. As my grandma had the habit of bringing food to my home at lunch time I knew I couldn't hide there. There was this really small forest/park mix just down the street, so despite the strong rain I decided to sit down in there. I went behind some bushed and was leaning against a tree, by now completely wet and shivering. I know I sat there for a while listening to music over my headphones when someone layed their hand on my shoulder. I jumped as I obviously didn't expect anyone else to run around behind the bushes. He asked me what I was doing and if I wasn't cold. I just told him I was fine. He asked me to come to his place so I could warm up. Next to the fact that stranger danger wasn't anything I didn't hear at least a million times, I was really anxious and naturally declined the offer. I can't and don't want to go into details further on but he then started to get closer and despite me trying to push him away I didn't scream. I was too ashamed and too scared someone would blame me for this that I just tried to get away which didn't work out. Skipping past that, when he was finished he just put his hand on my head and then walked away without any other word. I know I lay there for a few more hours until I got up. I knew where my class had lessons rn so I waited outside of the building in hope my friends could help me although I didn't knew what help I expected. They did see me but I couldn't bare to talk being in shock. My other classmates just shouted at me that I should stop skipping school. Our last lesson of this day was sports and I couldnt bear the thought of going anywhere alone so I just went after my friends. Waiting for the teacher in the hallway one of my classmates came up to me with, and I remember his exact words so I try to translate them as accuratly as possible, "Hey where were you earlier? Your trousers look dirty, wow did you get raped haha"... Yes he laughed about it and the entire class just joined him. He didn't know obviously but I felt empowered, scared, ashamed and most of all extremely numb. I had such a low self esteem by that point that I believed the banter of my class, in the end thinking "I deserved this".

It's been 5 years of silence. Why is it getting so overwhelming again I just want it to stop being there, just want the pictures flashing through my mind to disappear. I just want the nightmares to go away and not be scared of everything. Shouldn't it be better by now it's been so long... :(