Being Honest *almost certainly triggering*

Hey @Lilibuth12

I dont think that sounds odd at all, I think you articulated that really well.

Having gone through so much it must be hard to sort through all your emotions and I hope writing some of them here helps with that.

❤

Well I managed 1 post a very long time ago, about my standard. But hey heres another one.

Was thinking about my dad, thinking I guess of telling my parents of my life. I guess sometimes I want to tell them the damage they did. I mean I know it won't help and likely i'll dig a bigger hole. But yahknow impulses are rarely logical.

Just wrote this down:
Don't know if you remember but you taught me tnot to speak about it, you taught me that noone would believe me, you taught me that fighting was futile. Or do you not realise that chiildren don't know there are different rules for their father and the rest of the world.

Dunno kinda how I am feeling right now. Angry, confused, betrayed. I thought 7cups was a safe place... idk. It still is in some ways, but instability scares me. Part of me would rather not have any stablity at all than be lulled into a false sense of secruity again. I've spent enough of my life like that.

That was all kinda ranty and made little sense but hey. Hopefully i'll be able to work now i've got that out of my head!

It just struck me that all this drama couldn't have chosen a in some way more stable group of people to happen to. In this way I don't mean stable on our own, I mean stable as a group. We are people who have fought many challenges before and come out of the other side. People know the worst life can give us, and in some ways that makes us vunerable but in other ways it gives us strength now we know how important a community is to us. We are people who are in many ways not afraid to fight. Maybe I am just speaking for myself. I am not afraid to fight, because I have lived through much worse. And in my own cynical way will likely live through my worse again. We are a community, and that means if some can't fight we fight for them, and really all we need to fight is to remember to look after each other, be respectful to one another, and to be patient with one another and ourselves.

Anyway impassioned monolouge over. I love this community, despite all of this upheval we have all come together and I believe we can continue on <3.

I am, as ever, continuing along my pattern of random posts with no real timeline.

I've felt worse, and I've felt better. I am struggling a bit with the unfairness of the world and how people who need a break the most never seem to get it. Both my best friend & I have been through alot, and we now have severe health issues that are impacting our daily lives and we are semi constantly in pain. Both of us called up health professionals at different times saying we were considering causing ourselves harm/suicide because the pain was so bad. Each of us was refered to mental health services, not given any kind of serious treatment we need. I find talking to doctors etc, extremely hard and triggering so to be dismissed this way just makes you feel so helpless.

Saw the chiropractor again today, I've already struggled seeing her because I struggle with touch. She knows I do and tries to keep it to a minium but does do some massage. She ended up massaging my neck and I just had a flashback. It was horrible, I had to tell her to get her hands off me and just lay there crying. I don't like feeling vunerable but I couldn't stop it. I can't deal with anything around my neck, even scarves can bug me sometimes. I was just there and all I could hear was his voice, and feel his hands and it was horrendous.

I wanted to post this poem I wrote ages ago about him, cause its all I can think about at the moment. Forgive any spelling mistakes etc.

Smooth words

I don't know how it happened,
When or where.
But now I know I am a husk,
Of what used to be there.

I don't let the tears fall,
Its not the same as before,
Its more like a panic,
Knowing if I give in there will be more.

I felt your hands around me,
Choking my breath,
Killing me softly,
I felt the whispers of death.

I should never have let you,
Let you drag me into this mess.
I should have resisted,
When I gave in was anyone's guess.

I begged you would leave me
Alone and untouched.
But your insistence broke me,
At the semblance of a human I still clutched.

I realised you were broken,
You had little there.
But that is no excuse,
When you damaged me without care.

Your twisted words kept coming
Like smooth words from a snake.
Somehow I lost my own beliefs
In the webs that you make.

I try to forget you.
And of the person there is nothing left.
But of the scars that you left,
I bare some of the best.

Your not here now,
but your memory is clear,
Like a mark on my existence,
Something always there, here.

Been watching Supernanny for some kind of masochistic reason. Super triggering, no idea why I do this to myself. Watching some of these apathetic people and I keep comparing them to my upbringing. Its funny how every time the nanny is bought in because of the out of control children and she sits there and has to inform the parents each time that they are the ones who set the rules, and they are the ones who need to enforce them. Its not their childs fault. I dunno I guess I find it kind of validating???

I spent most of my childhood being told that I never listened and that I would never learn, yet they never set any kind of consistant rules, they never explained why and often they were not interested in connecting with either my sister or myself. I spent my life feeling like a nuisance that kept them from TV etc. I always remember when my dad said that he loved my sister and I but he loved mummy more, I must have been like 7.

Just started this episode with a violent/angry dad, and started crying. Within about... 10seconds. Not sure why I am doing this to myself lol.

I've got a cold, and I hurt all over and all I feel is violated. Each place I hurt is somewhere someone else touched me when I didn't want them to. Except maybe my eyes... Makes me feel like I need a week long shower. I find physically hurting so triggering... I think I just find life triggering.

I'm posting again... very shortly after lol. So I decided to watch the episode, because I am stupid lol. And you know what I realised watching it. The pure amount of manhandling that angry people do is crazy. I've always rememebered the things like him punching me or kicking me or dragging me down the stairs, but thats just the stuff I remember from being older, when it was harder to do it.

Watching that video. The guy was always grabbing arms, dragging the kid around, hauling him up the stairs, its all so physical. And like it just hit me that thats what my life was like growing up. Man handling, dragging, haulding, dropping, throwing, rage and threats and anger. And I'm watching this kid run away and hide and that kid was me. And that kids hiding repeatedly and he doesn't trust this man who is apparently his dad. And I was that kid. And yer. That was quite a realisation just now.

Talked with my therapist last week, cried infront of her which was odd. I normally don't and I normally feel more embarrised. I think the fact i've been ill with this cold/flu situation all week has meant I just don't care anymore ahahah. Funny though, I used to struggle to cry at all, now I cry at everything :P

Played games for the last few days, got really immersed, its really helped with me feeling ill because its a proper destraction. Love playing games :) been really relaxing and helped me feel alot less stressed :) Lets go slay some Wyvern! :D