Be Honest Now (Journal)
***Trigger warning***
Mentions of trauma, abuse, neglect, and un-aliving attempts, nothing graphic, but it may be triggering for some. Please be gentle with your mind and pass over this if not in a good headspace.
This is my journal where we are very honest with each other. You can reply if you want, just know it might take me a while to respond.
I hope to find catharsis in writing this out.
(This is mostly a vent entry)
I remember going hungry for months. I still feel like I never got out, no matter how much we eat. The pain is still there, whispering "Do you remember?" Yes I remember, you'll never let me forget, will you?
I still feel it now. I want to feel full and safe. It sucks that nightmares follow us. I'm sick and tired of this.
What's the reason I'm still suffering? Trauma trapped in the body? The need to have my pain witnessed? Well, I survived, multiple times. I'm alive. If I write about it and post it, will you give me a break?
If anyone has experience how to heal from these things, feel free to chime in.
I'm feeling weary. Rest isn't making it better. Is there a balm you can apply to your soul? have they invented that yet? If I had my way, we would have dreamless sleep for a week straight.
I hate being awake so long at night. I hate staying home alone, and I hate going out. Real piece of work we are, huh? If I really had my way, we'd all have our own bodies, or we'd have one whole and unbroken mind. Do singlets feel this level of loneliness?
I'm so tired. Do any of you get a break from being tired? I certainly don't, not that I remember. Why is it like that? Why do you get to remember the good stuff and I just get the rubbish? And can you tell me, what's it like to feel okay?
B. get back to me when you can - E.
Hey E.,
We did what we did to survive.
Today was okay. I sat under cover and listened to the rain. There are still good things in this world.
We're working on healing, and I believe that one day you will feel safe, and warm and full. How do I know that? I feel it now. You might forget it, but know that we got there.
We'll keep fighting and breaking down the walls, and someday? We'll be whole.
@WriteToHeal42
Hey B. There's more to being safe than being physically safe. There's more to needs than physical needs. Maybe you miss the cues, but they're still there.
I'm so tired and sick of being alone. Even if we weren't alone, there's no guarantee it would last. Everything is so uncertain. Are you sure there's something better? I haven't really tasted it.
I know I'll be alone for a while here. Even when people show up, they don't stay long. We'll always be alone. That's why we exist, right? We must really have done something awful in a past life to deserve this one.
Please don't ignore us. Come to the cabin, come home.
- E.
