Barely surviving toxic parents

my parents are Actual Narcissists who have made me so cripplingly codependent and ruined my youth by treating me like a child and not letting me live my life, controlling me, belittling/abusing me etc. but I'm stuck living here because no one will hire me and I've been unemployed due to traumatic hearing loss and my mom thinks I'm indebted to her financially, wants me to pay her back for all my phone/car insurance bills instead of taking care of myself+clothes+makeup+hygiene because apparently appearance isn't important when i'm trying to grow up and be my own person and i'll never be able to pay her back when I have to save for tuition so I'm so scared I'll never get away from her or move out

1:46 PM

I'm 25 and a virgin, she kept me on a tight leash as a child, adolescent, teenager and young adult and I feel like it stole so much of my life because I missed out on things and now I'm just starting to discover what I should've been doing a long time ago because she didn't let me have a cell phone until college and I'm just learning how to take GOOD selfies and now she AND my aunt are telling me I'm "TOO OLD" TO TAKE PICTURES OF MYSELF

WHAT THE FUCK

SINCE WHEN DID SELFIES HAVE AN AGE LIMIT

1:47 PM

and that makes me so mad and it hurts because i didn't have friends as a teen because i had to stay in the house all the time like a baby in a playpen and i was so sheltered it's like the only way i live is through social media because i never see the light of day and i'm invisible irl just wasting away here not getting any younger

and every time i try to express my feelings my mom tells me to shut up be quiet shhhh enough and tries to silence me completely and not hear another word and when i try to speak up for myself, it's always my fault or something I did wrong

she makes me feel like i'm crazy or something but i know she's not normal and she still controls what i wear how i dress what i do with my money etc.

and now she WANTS my money and she screams at me to get a job every day and it's like why? so i can hand her my paychecks?

and i grew up so socially unaware and inept i'm super awkward and i feel like i can't really connect to my peers but all the other adults i've encountered know how my parents treat me is wrong.

I've lived my whole life crippled by codependency with Actually Narcissistic parents. My youth has been wasted. I haven't lived a "normal" life, I missed out on normal healthy development and I'm intellectually an "old soul" but socially disadvantaged/inept because of how sheltered and kept on a leash I've been from childhood until now. I'm unemployed due to a traumatic injury and hearing loss from my last job which now limits where I can work and what I can do if I want to preserve the rest of my hearing (no fast food/places with loud blenders), but now every conversation is my mother screaming at me that I need to "GET A JOB!11111111111!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111" and I AM trying. It's hard in a small town where everyone hires their buddies and besties, and I've tried explaining that to her unntil I'm blue in the face and she won't have it. But I can't move out unless I have money, and I'm not getting any younger. I haven't lived. I'm still a virgin, never been on a date, never even had a flirtatious interaction with another man. I wasn't allowed to have a cell phone until I got to junior college, and it was the bare minimum cheap emergencies only crappy kind. I've upgraded a couple of times so I have a semi-decent/functional camera to take selfies, and I'm JUST NOW becoming somewhat photogenic/learning my angles and what kind of makeup looks good on me and my mom is now saying that I'm "too old" for that. But when I was "young" enough, I didn't have access to that world. I feel like I have a lot of lost time to make up for and catch up with and it just breaks my spirit. She's always been irrationally controlling and STILL tells me what I can/can't wear, controls my social media/Instagram/Facebook posts and keep tabs (I'm not sure how she found my IG because I don't put my full name on it), tells me which pictures to "take down" etc. and which status updates to delete, goes through my spiral notebooks in my backpack and fake-innocently denies it when it's lying open faced with private writing on it and I'm never home alone. She controls what I do with my money when I'm working seasonal jobs or scrape up some pocket money via my Redbubble shop (banshee24) or sell my old clothes on Poshmark for a little something to treat myself with. I live with her, I'm indebted to her and she has me so bound by her unspoken/invisible psychological rules and whims that I'll never get ahead. I feel trapped. I have seasonal affective disorder and now that it's getting dark, the house is getting colder because it's in the shade with very few windows and I'm already feeling it. I become erratic with angst when I'm depressed which makes me too negative and toxic to my online friends, aka THE ONLY FRIENDS I HAVE. I've been under an impression for years that I've never been allowed to leave the house, but today my mom dropped the bomb on me that I can do "whatever I want" as long as I check in but she never clearly defined that and had me thinking all this time that I was imprisoned here and needed permission for everything. BUT..... my dad purposely never taught me how to drive on the freeway so I'm only limited to driving to the grocery store, my local junior college and the shopping mall but that's it. He keeps saying driving is dangerous and I BOUGHT my own car in my name but he doesn't trust me driving??? He keeps making excuses to chaffeur me and drive me like I'm incapable of transporting myself and always deflects and changes the subject or suddenly has plans that day if I want to practice freeway driving so I can go more places. So... I'm "allowed" to go places and socialize... but they won't help me with the driving experience or how to memorize the routes to further locations like the hair salon I go to downtown etc. so I don't know how to get there. And suddenly I "don't need permission" as long as I "check in" when they've never said that before and I spent MY WHOLE LIFE BEING TOLD "NO". What's up with that?!? Was that a mega gaslighting move? I've become submissive, meek and I'm realizing that hasn't been working for me and I'm trying to become more assertive and I've been making progress speaking my truth and using my voice, but it took me so long to realize how I've been conditioned and how it's held me back. I dream of having privacy, quiet, my own space where nobody keeps me on a leash or cracks the whip if I step out of line (by their standards) and I'm so afraid that it's already too late for me to start saving up. Because I'm unemployed, I "owe" her for all the phone bills the car insurance bill she helped me with while I was literally unable to support myself or even buy groceries and I also have to save up to pay tuition since I got accepted into my dream university I'm realistically never going to be able to afford, so I'm held immobile by a cosmic catch-22. There is no way to win with a narcissist. I don't feel like a human being, I feel like some alien species without a voice or an identity or like Pinocchio wanting to be a real person without strings attached. I'm desperate, saddened and I feel broken. my mom has zero consideration or respect for my thoughts, feelings, identity or humanity as long as i do what she says, when and how she says it and stay quiet and that's so so unhealthy and wrong. I feel so beaten down and ruined. I want to escape, run away, flee the country just to feel emotionally safe and in control of myself. and I'm afraid I'll never have the means to get there.

(these are thoughts copy pasted from other platforms but i had to get it all out in one place).