A Thinking Place
I'm not sure if emotional abuse counts as trauma, but there are moments that I remember dispite depression related memory loss, they're not good, though I usuially think of them when contemplating how to forgive those things. I'm wary of remembering more now that I'm getting better.
I havn't been writing here much, there are things to write about and muse over, I'm just not sure I want too...
Wrote and sent this to my mom today.
I'm not at Fault By AM
You should have been there.
-You should have told me!
I did sometimes, and it wasn't better.
-When did you tell me?
I don't, remember...
I, I remember the sting of being on my own!
-I said you could come, I was there in the home.
And when I came, you'd send me away. "Not this moment, not today."
-Where was I when all this happened?
You were in bed, on your chair, tired, sleeping, busy, unaware.
-Why did you never wake me, why never bring me to help?
Well, he would trick you, or you would yell, or another dumb rule would be made that didn't help.
You might cry, and tell us we're bad, everyone might walk away again, even more sad...
-That doesn't make sense, why would you think that?
I was young, what do you expect? You're my mom, you're supposed to be there, aware, and able to protect!
-I was there, but I couldn't be aware if you never came, I was sick and I couldn't protect you, but I could have done more if you had let me to!
Maybe I should have gotten help, but you should have too, you weren't okay, It's not just me, there was a problem with you.
So yes, I'm at fault, but so are you.
Please stop saying it would have all been okay if you had known, in reality, you were just as much on your own...
We talked about it, and did some hugging and crying, I'm going to try to forgive her. Not entiely sure how to do it though...
@AM2Wondering
Its hard, but all of struggle and we all need forgivness for our bad moves. Blessings and give mankind a pass, it aint easy for anybody friend ☺
@AM2Wondering
[offering hug] That sounds really great that you were able to share something like that. I can imagine it being painful to write and anxious to share.
I'm not ok right now but I don't know how it ask for help because I don't really know what my problem is or why I feel so bad except for a couple small stupid things...
@AM2Wondering
I'm better now, but I don't want to feel like that again. But I'm also not sure of the cause...
All that had happened was that someone teaching me something kept taking the thing back and doing it for me without actually explaining why, and that I gave myself work on something else because I misunderstood and thus felt used because I was doing work I felt like I shouldn't need to, which was true, I was just stupid. And I didn't get enough to eat or drink because I was too busy.
But a shitty day shouldn't mess with me that much, I wanted to cry and disappear, that's not right.
It could also be that feeling used, feeling stupid, feeling like youre being treated like you're stupid, and not insisting on taking care of yourself make a terrible combo.
That validating hindsight doesn't fix the in the moment vortex of self-loathing and hurt though...
I don't really know what to take from the experience other than reading instructions more carefully and taking more care to make sure I at least get enough to drink.
I feel like I have both gained more insight and made myself more confused.
I'm going to a funeral on Sunday. I think I might have more issues with funerals than I thought.
I was already clenching my jaw badly, staying up late, and my average heart rate is bad, but now I keep feeling like I'm failing to breathe and and getting something of a headache. all the other stuff is also a bit worse. My heart rate has been around 100 all day and I'm a little worried...
