A Thinking Place

I tried to write something today here, but it deleted it because it was too dark. Sorry.

Yesturday

I wrote a thing about what a kind person would say to me, and what I would want them to say, and as I was writing it I noticed that the kind person says It's okay, while what I wanted to hear was It'll be okay.

I don't nesisarily feel like it is okay in the moment, but with a little hope, I can believe it will be okay, and I need to hold onto that.

I also wanted to do a bit of gratitude acknowledgment, cause I did have a kinda cruddy day, but these things rounded it off to make it okay.

I did at least some studying, and I enjoyed it! That's good.

I had dinner at my aunts with my cousins. That was nice.

I got to play with my aunts dogs, but esspecially the one we gave her because we couldn't give him the attention he needed. He looks like a cow, isn't that bright, and is going blind, and I love him..

We watched a movie together, it was good. If I could watch movies with people I care about more often that'd be great.

(To remember what I can do with this)

A journal is a log of self-examining and reflective writing done on a regular basis, usually daily or weekly.

Benefits of journaling can include increased emotional awareness, better memory and comprehension, healing, higher self-confidence, sparking creativity, etc.

I couldn't tell you what all I did this week, but I'm pretty sure it was good over all. I think I'm going to do more creative writing soon.

Depression Forum: What does depression most often cause you to believe?

To start with, I want to say I'm doing pretty well now and don't have these thoughts often.

But sometimes I think:

I've lost my chance for anything good already, I'm not beuatiful, It won't get better, etc.

And I want to reassure myself, these are all false.

You can always pull through, even if it's later then average that doesn't make it less, everyone is beautiful in some way and that includes me, It does get better I'm not 100%, but I am okay, and I want to believe I will be more then okay eventually.

Wrath by AM [the delema of abuse by loved ones] an old short of mine

She hid. She hides.

If it scares you, run away. Conventional wisdom, but not what she needed to hear.

She couldn't say her nightmare was one she couldn't wake up from, that she'd been hiding for so long already. She couldn't say her dreams where the place they weren't, that she was hurting, but not in the way a doctor could fix.

When they shouted, she snuck to the basement, the closet. It was quiet there. When they were done everything was okay, back to normal.

She had to be careful of coming too early, silence didn't mean resolution. Or if she ran too late and the shouting was targeted at her, they would say sorry later, but it didn't stop.

She felt guilty for saying nothing, for just avoiding their gaze. She had tried being angry back at them, but it only hurt more.

She loved them, but she was also afraid. Afraid of them, afraid for them. If being angry hurt so much, how could they keep it up?

She was afraid to stop them, what if they went beyond words? It had happened before. What if she said it after the shouting? Would it lead to the same empty sorries? It's my fault, I know, I'm sorry, Forgive me...

If anger and hiding weren't the proper response, what was? Could she forgive them? Would it help any?

It would help her, but what about them? What would help them, stop them?

She didn't know, and that's what hurt more.

Journal questions from trauma check in:

What would you tell your childhood self?

Never, ever, lie to yourself.

What is the best advice you have ever been given?

Tbh, I don't remember/can't think of any good advice I was given. I first read this as "What is the best advive you've given [to someone else]?" Which I can answer, so I will.

Most often the advice I've given has been about boundries, and ended with something like "No way.. That makes so much sense." I find it kind of sad that something that should be common sense is often so eye opening, but I also recognise that I don't have boundries down pat either, so I can't say much else about it.

I'm aging up and in commemeration of this I am be posting another old short.

Bitter by AM [the self distruction of hatred]

It should make you want to vomit, rancid resentment, but you hold it in. You can't let go of it yet. It is yours, and it's been stewing.

They have wronged you, your wrath will come before long. They may have no idea what they've done, or they know all too well. Maybe, they know and don't care, even to the point of reveling in it.

It doesn't matter either way. Why would it matter? You didn't matter to them when they did that. But, how are you to be so sure? Who are you to enact vengeance?

Your vengeance is only hurting you more. Your biting acid is eating you alive.

Do you hold onto a clawing cat? Do you hold a wrong as the highest, the greatest thing in your life? Do you hate so deeply that you have forgotten what it is to love, and be loved?

Dearest, let it out, let it go. It should not, can not keep you, and you can not keep it.

It is bitterness.

Practice:

The 5 second rule (There is a good idea, like getting out of bed, count down from 5, do at least the first step of that by the time you hit 1, do not undo the step you've made.) rinse & repeat until you have successfully taken care of yourself.

In combo with that, I need to pick up the "Be kind to your future self" mantra. (Good idea, like doing the dishes now, putting it off till later isn't kind to my future self, so I must do dishes now.)

Bucket List:

1) Become bilingual

2) Re-learn handstands

3) Adopt a dog

4) Donate blood

5) Ride a train

6) Become financially/business literate

7) Learn basic sign language

8) Compete in a sports competition (swim, bike, etc)

9) Become & stay First Aid certified

10) Visit New York City (& family there)

11) Take an acting class

12) Create a community

13) Learn a form of dance &/or martial arts

14) Fill a paper journal

15) Write a book

16) Build something

17) Read the entire Bible & other religious texts

18) Live in another country for more then a week

19) Have my own business &/or non profit

20) Attempt public office