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15 years
.

…of isolating myself. I am still struggling to understand what happened. I don’t want to accept what I have become and all the time I have lost.

Before ‘it’ happened, I was okay. I had routines, hobbies, a career, a social life, a sense of self.

I am surviving. I am proud of that, but I once thrived. I have this tenacious, almost delusional sense of hope that maybe THIS time, this week, this year, this way— I am going to ‘get it right.’ As if one day, if I keep trying to make 1% deviations of change, I will wake up and find myself content with my trajectory. 

I dream about being in college again and a sense of relief washes over me. “I did it. I am doing it.” 

This is my first post, feel free to reply. I used the journaling tag because I intend to continue writing on this thread. 


2
blitheSun94 July 12th
.

@LifeShouldNotBeThisHard

Welcome, Life,

Thank you for your post and encouraging others to journal their inner most thoughts in a safe and supportive space. 

As someone who leans anxious-avoidant, I certainly relate to isolation, although I consider it an inherent personality trait as a true blue introvert rather than something negative. I can’t say for certain that I was ever effervescent. No one is going to say I lit up the room. I have generally lacked enthusiasm throughout my life and it’s definitely challenging to feel chronically misunderstood. 

I tire easily from social interactions for various reasons, and have become more withdrawn as I enter my late thirties. However, I am aware that I fully adopted and embraced hyper-independence as a trauma response. 

When you look into your future, five years from now, perhaps, what do you see? 

💕

manicmarky July 18th
.

@LifeShouldNotBeThisHard

Hi LSNBTH,

I feel you.  I am at 3 yrs/7 months.  But instead of using the term "isolating myself," I call mine a "full nervous system shut down."  I too had all the things that make life secure and also like you, deeply regret the time I've lost.  I think I have finally figured out that my situation is a PTSDT response from back-to-back hard hits over a few years period.  I'm also starting to think that I probably need help to get out of this.  Of course, when you're not working and without insurance that becomes more difficult.  But I can't keep just hoping.  I don't have any answers unfortunately, but I just wanted to reach out and let you know that I'm in the same situation as you and also searching for a way out.  I noticed that you still have a positive tone in some of the things that you wrote, so that's awesome.  I wish you healing energy and that answers will come to us both soon.  My best to you,

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