Family enmeshed & emotional incest
Hi everyone 💛 I am new here 😇 and so glad I found this community. Can’t really afford therapy at this time and really just need to vent/talk to someone.
Im 35 and I live at home. Main,y still here due to my parents (really my dad) not wanting me to move out. Rewind back to college my mom had an affair on my dad and since then it’s like I’ve been having to hold the pieces. My mom avoids hard topics or conversations and constantly works. I think to escape the house, but that leaves me home to console my dad to a degree. He tells me all his problems and it’s like I’m his mini wife. Nothing sexual but we hang out ALOT. Which I enjoyed as a teen/young adult but now being grown it’s starting to be annoying & overwhelming.
whenever I attempt to start dating or t ll him about a new love interest or mate it’s like he gets an attitude & finds something wrong with everyone. If I go out with my friends on the weekend or after I get off work it’s a problem, he denies it but you can see the attitude or feel his mood change.
it upsets me because my mom will be like “ you’re grown you can do what you like” but she won’t tell him that. Like I don’t have any back up.
I was looking at houses last year and that got him upset too saying “ oh you wanna move out-why” I’m like kids eventually want to leave the nest!
So now they want to give me the family house to move into but it caught fire last year (with me in it & my 3 dogs-they died in the fire 🔥). So it’s like I’m being held hostage until the remodel is complete which they have basically stopped working on. I’ll be 36 in December and just feeling like the world is closing in around me. Someone with advice or just kind words I’d love to hear
I'm sorry to hear about your dogs. I couldn't even imagine losing my father's dogs like that. They're older in age now, but it still upsets me thinking about their eventual deaths. But to your main point; I think you should do what you think is best for YOU and your future. I can see how your father has emotionally manipulated you into believing that that line of thinking is selfish and detrimental to him. It upsets him thinking that another loved one will leave him, but that obviously isn't the case with you.
You sound like you love and care for your parents regardless of their flaws and missteps. I'm sure you would feel the same toward your eventual spouse and children (if that's what you want.) A house of your own would be a good investment in that case.
As you and your parents grow older, they will rely on you more and more. You will eventually become the new patriarch/matriarch of the family: the rock they will depend on. You need to put your foot down and assert what is not only best for you, but will eventually be best for your whole family AND their futures. Do what is meaningful now and don't delay it because it is convenient for you or your father in the present.
You moving out does not mean you will never see or speak go your father again. It will mean that he will need to be to be more comfortable being alone with his wife and dealing with his problems himself more often. But the year is 2022. He can call, facetime/skype, visit, or whatever. But I think it's better he learns how to do that or release his stress in other healthy manners rather than just relying on you and your immediate presence. I hope that no matter what you choose for your future, that it will work out for you and your family.
Best wishes, Cain
