feeling brave posting here
This is the first time I'm posting in trauma support afaik and I'm scared but I still feel like sharing my experience.
The past year 2024 has been really scary and confusing and it was the first time I actually came to terms with and started to accept I might be allowed to call myself "traumatized".
I've only beaten myself up in the past for not being traumatized enough to be feeling this bad since 5th grade or so but my seemingly inexplicable dissociation, depression, anxiety and low self worth have always been signs. My mom never gave me a reason for why she didn't believe I could have a Dissociative disorder and my teachers have told me and the school's psychologist I seem to be doing too good for accommodations. It's weird that to the outside I'm this high-functioning individual when in my reality I always feel lost and numb and not like myself.
It's like when I'm at my worst I almost look my best even though the smiling in public felt like someone else, like an autopilot taking over my body just that the autopilot almost seems to have more personality than myself.
I'm currently looking for a therapist and I'm scared to make the calls for it. I've been to therapy and quit again before, I was convinced I was fine now. But it was really just the beginning of another bad time and the beginning of realizing I wasn't ever honest with myself nor my therapist.
It's scary to have a past which you think of as normal in your own little bubble but your friends then ask you if you're aware you're deeply traumatized. I still doubt it, in therapy I never brought it up, it's in the past and it's not like I remember much of it or feel like that happened to me at all. But I know I probably should and it might just be the key to solving my genuinely debilitating dissociation and other struggles.
I'm always too scared to bring up my real struggles and my autopilot refused to do so in therapy in the past. I hope I can express my real struggles in therapy soon. It's kind of a problem for my future right now too since I can't focus on studying ever. Sometimes it feels unfair I couldn't get the help and love I needed when I was still a child. And now I have to handle it alone as I recently turned 18 but it's my only chance because my parents always scared me too much so I wouldn't dare to bring my real problems up.
I feel pretty ridiculous for being so scared of them and secretive around them when they never really abused me.
@froggeychair
"I'm this high-functioning individual". "like an autopilot taking over my body".
Sounds like you feel pretty intelligent yet feel like you are not able to make use of it?
Your logical reasoning happens in the frontal lobe of the brain, yet that smart part is not always fully active. I.e. when there is an emergency your logical brain shuts off and adrenaline takes control. Same goes for other emotions, if youre really scared you stop thinking properly. Could it be that one of your emotions is so overly active that it surpresses the rest of your brain?
Being unable to study, points to not getting pleasure out of it. Usually when you finish studying you feel a little reliefed or accomplished and get a tiny hit of pleasure(dopamine). This tells your body to be slightly more motivated for the next study session. Could it be that when you try to study you dont finish a chapter/page but quit halfway? Or could it be you try to study late in the day when you already spend the majority of your daily fun/pleasure on the internet making you unable to receive the pleasure hit after study and therefore do not get the motivation the next session?
Messing around too much with dopamine can definitely get you into a zombielike autopilot mode.
Talking in any way or form can always help(not just mentally but literally biologically in your brain), so you did great coming here today. Hope you can overcome your struggles and feel better soon! <3
Thank you for these insights :O
With depression I suppose my dopamine system is *** up in general, I can't really feel pleasure from anything, I think the one emotion repressing everything else in my mind does fit my experience quite well too. I can't really figure it out quite yet, reality is too unstable and ever-changing which makes it all rather scary. Thank you for the kind words <3
@froggeychair
I am glad that you have searched for help. You are young person and hopefully going to get better as you dive deeper into you past and start to heal.
Sometimes the wounds from the past i.e inflicted by closest family members are not evident at first and may be connected with hard, even seemingly unbearable feelings, which our brain pushes into the subconscious areas to protect ourselves. It takes time, bravery and stubbornness to unpack these with cautiousness and help of trustworthy environment. Process of healing has its ups and downs and always takes time, so even better that you've already started.
It shall get better and I wish you all the best on your new journey through life ;)
Best regards
Mike
Thank you so much Mike, the reassurance really warmed my heart and gives me some hope :') <3
