What are good resources or reading that might help me grow again socially? In a sensitive and vulnerable way I mean, or healthy attachment
I felt like I had a grasp of it few months ago even and that I'd be able to grow again in a more liberated and constructive way, but I'm not sure what exactly to feel anymore. I feel like I did most of the work and figured out myself or my place in life better, but I still need to work on how much a more private issue hurt me personally.
The main problem growing up for me was that I believed I had to leave everyone once I'd grow up and be usable for people, and avoid any sort of bonds. I thought I had no worth else than to be used by whoever I heard judgment from, as an 'and then what' gesture after anything horrible I heard from them. Since I can still be usable after any odd knee jerk thing they'd say. And for them, I ended up leaving 95% of people I really loved thinking it was the right or responsible thing to do. I sort of butchered the process of leaving the last few since I had comfort and it's incredibly painful on my end in a variety of ways. I'm not sure how to make sure they're ok and have lots of resources after also.
I'm trying to find a genuine and safe way to nurture that sense of worth or my place in the world and to feel allowed near humans just so I can bond again and it's been confusing to reexamine why it felt so difficult.
I'm not sure how to not feel this amount of pain about it if a few private things aren't being addressed while working on it, so I'd rather have rougher subjects addressed first if it's possible at all. Not a guilt thing in any way, mostly about a really sensitive topic.
@ScaredLongNeckedFrend
Hi,
I felt like I could relate in certain ways. Not necessarily with pushing friends away, but acting a certain way because of some personal (more private things I don't often share). For me my situation is more around my self-confidence. I've always felt inferior and like other people were better than me and no matter what I do, it'll never be good enough. Those beliefs come from some experiences with the people in my life that made it hard for me to have confidence, so I'd sabotage jobs, always downplay my accomplishments (sometimes even minimize them completely) and if someone else was around I'd let them do the thing (whatever the thing is) because they could probably do a better job than me because everyone is more competent than me in everything.
In early Nov I was struggling a bit because I had to be around my parents and a few of our interactions just reminded me of why I am the way I am and do the things I do. I then got angry because I realized how hard those things have made when trying to function as an adult. I allowed that anger to fuel change and give me the motivation to challenge the negative thoughts that kept me small. It's a struggle every day and I struggle with my imposter syndrome telling me I shouldn't act so confident, but I have noticed results in my life since adding a bit of confidence at work and in social situations.
I know it's different than the pushing people away, but I feel like what's similar is that it seems to be something protective/engrained in you from some of your beliefs about yourself that may have come from others. I think working on the things that need to be worked on is important, and it sounds like you want something to change sooner rather than later. I think for me a big fuel was that I became angry at how long I let those beliefs steal years from my life and I'm determined to not let them steal any more years. I think it was also what allows me to challenge the beliefs is that I'm really compassionate with myself and remind myself that the beliefs and the desire to stay "small" served a purpose and makes sense based on my experiences, but they don't serve me anymore, they cause me more pain than they help.
I feel like this was a long winded response, but I hope you're able to understand the point I'm trying to make. Sometimes my words don't always come out the way they sound in my head when I'm thinking the thoughts..
@InvaderStitch
Hey thank you for that, and for framing it that way about the anger. I might need to see things more in that regard instead of all the ways I have. I've been really trying to start working on things more lately and a lot of that really resonated with me.
Sorry for being late to reply, I should've checked more often. And you have nothing to worry about; honestly I kept feeling intense shame about the way I wrote the post. Not sure how I get so unfocussed while writing still, without noticing somehow. A lot of things have been troubling me, but I'm so happy I get to process a few finally. I felt so stuck and desperate for a bit, and maybe I was way too vulnerable in a sense.
@ScaredLongNeckedFrend
I'm glad you were able to get some of it out. Working on ourselves is pretty much the one thing we have control over, doing our best in every moment. Sometimes having an outside perspective can make all of the difference, I need that a lot to be honest. When I get stuck in my head and all the anger starts to consume me it's hard to get unstuck and out of my emotions (i have a specific issue that's been keeping me stuck lately).
I'm glad you shared and felt free to be vulnerable and glad that what I said resonated and made since. A lot of times by then end of a post I don't remember everything I said start to finish.
