Trauma-Informed Boundary Setting - starryCandy6123 and audienta
Hello everyone,
Today I present to you a post about trauma-informed boundary setting, written by @starryCandy6123 and me. Please leave your appreciation for Candy's work, your thoughts on the topic and questions in the comments.
Trauma-Informed Boundary Setting - starryCandy6123
People who have been through trauma, often find it very difficult to trust. For example, people who have experienced abuse have memories of someone hurting them or someone not knowing what is a boundary. We as listeners need to be wary not to talk about anything that may be a trigger, to the member, and be aware that they may not have ever had any boundaries in their lives and may not understand. The way listeners work with boundaries for these people is to give them time and active listening. Show them empathy but accept their feelings are real, repeat their words, allow them to explain, and never make light of their trauma.
Trauma-Informed Boundary Setting - audienta
Today, I want to write about the importance of boundaries and how they can be set in chats with people who have experienced trauma.
Importance of Boundaries
People who have experienced trauma might also have experienced a lack of boundaries for themselves or for others. This can for example lead to being too close to and dependent on others, avoiding conflicts, seeing themselves as a victim, needing to be distant to others, or not wanting to be seen or heard. (Source 1, 12/10/2023) It can also make people very sensitive to rejection. That’s why we listeners need to model setting healthy and firm boundaries. They can also protect us from getting overwhelmed or burned out ourselves.
How to set boundaries
We want to be clear about our boundaries and communicate them openly. For example, you can say at the beginning of a chat that you have time for 60 minutes.
Boundaries aren’t intended to hurt others, however, they may do, especially when a member has experienced trauma before. If that happens, don’t remove the boundary, instead, explore with the member why the boundary triggers them.
If a member oversteps a boundary, it’s important to take consequences. Otherwise, it’s not really a boundary. For example, if someone repeatedly talks about a topic that triggers you after you've told them that that’s something you don’t want to discuss and reminded them of that multiple times, you should end the chat. (Source 2, 12/10/2023)
This post was written by a member of the Trauma Sub-Community Writing Team. You can find a masterpost with all the posts of this team linked here. If you want to join the team, please apply here. Also, please comment if you want to be tagged in future posts.
@audienta
Thank you, two, for this informative post. I think it is well-written and very needful❤️
I'm not listener but its useful to me too, thank you @audienta
@audienta @starryCandy6123 yes please include me in future posts like this one.
Mr.Starry - I much appreciated how you concluded your portion of the post here. Anyone dealing with a trigger or butting heads with a boundary the (L) is trying to set up or explain, the member does need 1- Time and 2- Active Listening. and your very last point: "never make light of their trauma."
Some of us, perhaps especially in the Trauma Support area, may think that point goes without saying. Almost like, "well of course! I would never make small something the other person was saying is/was traumatic for them." I, for one, am thankful you added this. There are so many ways that we as a whole (7cups, or Trauma Support Area, or in group chatrooms, etc) can be aware of this. Making fun of or making light of someone's traumatic event can crush whatever trust was building in less than 1/2 a second. Not that you have to agree that same thing would be traumatic for you, but please do not belittle the person, sharer, post-er, etc. and at least for me, I will do my best to do the work of active listening and giving you time to share and think and process.
I'm human too, and as such I make mistakes in this area also. But I realize how very important it is. It has been important in my own healing processes. Feeling that the person I'm talking with is grasping how I felt in (or after) the traumatic event, can make sharing further just a wee bit easier. Not easy, but small steps. And like Mr. Starry said, Trust is a big thing too, in a member's sharing with you 1-1 or in a group chat or sharing circle. ❤ Platy
Big Thing #1: Never make light of someone else's trauma or traumatic event. Let the sharer know you understand the severity or the impact. If you do not understand, ask him/her to share more with you.
Big Thing #2: For those who have lived through trauma - whether one event, or trauma over several days, weeks, months, years... any length of time - the survivor's base of trust may have been nearly 100% shaken. TRUST is a big thing, correction, a huge thing.
((( a hug for anyone who would like one! 🤗 ))) and/or a cookie 🍪 or carrot🥕sticks or apple🍎slices for those who would prefer :) Hey, it is January! 💛 Platy
@cyanPlatypus6370
Very well said, thank you❤️
Thank you very much
Boundaries are so important.