Therapy woes
So I started therapy a few months ago. It's all online, which is great for me. It's on Saturday, which is perfect, I enjoy the time and enjoy my therapist. We're both nonbinary and queer, so that understanding of my identity and intristic part of myself is super helpful.
Initially I was very funny, because I have a desire to be liked and be the funny guy for everyone. I don't want to seem like a downer irl. If I do talk about my childhood trauma, it's a stand up routine. "Haha, isn't this so funny?"
And initially, they would laugh along. They'd ask me to reflect on why I found it funny, but that I was good at jokes and finding the humor in bad situations, and wasn't that admirable, that I could be so funny and bring joy.
This mildly irritated me, because idk, it just felt like they were giving me reasons to be funny instead of delving into my issues. I communicated this to them, and they were receptive and said they'd make the necessary adjustments, and to keep giving feedback and they appreciated my telling them.
Recently, though, especially this session I was just in, they've started poking at my humor, my self deprecating jokes, my trauma. And like, that's good! That's what I want. But I also hate it. I feel like I can't be happy with therapy. Either I'm paying someone to pretend to be my friend so I can do stand up (which I don't like, I can do that for free), or they're actually my therapist and I don't like how that makes me feel. I feel hurt, and somewhat condescended to.
And the thing that upsets is I know they're not being condescending. They are doing the standard therapy, "Why does that make you feel that way?" "You've been through a lot of trauma, that's awful and you can make jokes, but why is it funny? I want to consider if you'd laugh at someone else in your position, because I worry it's out of meanness and self hate. If it's not, that's okay, but I want you to make sure that's not what's happening."
It's not condescending at all, but because it's hitting so close to home, that's the best way I can describe it. But I didn't love the old approach, and I don't like this one that much. I feel like I'm just being picky because I want therapy, but I think I don't want to do the work? I just want to magically fix myself by talking to someone, I think? I'm not sure. But maybe I'm not ready? Idk
I'm debating stopping therapy. I don't like this feeling. But maybe it's supposed to be uncomfortable? Idk any feedback is appreciated. Maybe I'm just being dramatic. Again, I appreciate their current approach. I just feel a lot of feelings about it.
@witchybirdie Suppose you were genuinely hurt by something in your past and also suppose you’re just thinking about it in the present and on your own (no therapist). Do you do the stand up routine even for yourself? Is it ok for your inner self to feel sad or angry? Eventually you’ll want to be able to at least in private be able to sit with your feelings.
I don’t think therapy necessarily has to be this thing where you have to (metaphorically) split your entire upper torso upon at the rib cage without anesthesia and expose all your inner organs and poke your heart with barbed fish hooks. It should be a little more like pouring disinfectant on a tiny shallow cut. It stings a little for a short time. And if you have 50 of those cuts it’s ok to address just one per session.
My advice is don’t give up therapy. Instead set the pace and pain level. If you can’t do that with this therapist find another, although it sounds like you have a good working relationship and I bet they will tailor their methods to your comfort.
@PineTreeTree
That's fair. I hadn't really thought about it, because I usually do try to come up with the routine if it crosses my mind, unless I'm trying to sleep, in which case it just drowns me and I don't know what to do. I've tried to box away my actual feelings of it for so long, I don't know how to sit with my emotions. I can manage anger, that isn't a struggle for me. I was raised with righteous indignation. If you want to say something, say it with your (metaphorical, or real, depending) fists and throw your weight into it.
Sadness is not something I feel comfort with at all. I was raised that is was a weakness to me squashed down. That's my main objective in therapy, currently. To allow myself to feel sadness and sit with it. Not wallow, but feel it and learn from it.
I appreciate that metaphor. It makes a lot of sense. View it all as small cuts, as opposed to a gash that needs fixed at once. I think I really do just expect to feel better fully.
I am trying to not give up. I don't want to, but I'm scared of hurting and feeling sad and used and all that stuff that comes with trauma. I do have a great therapist. I'm hoping once I get insurance I can do more than once a week sessions, because it feels like too long between sessions currently and I'm hurting, so I need that extra boost.
Thank you again for your feedback. I appreciate such a thoughtful and thorough response so much. 💜
@witchybirdie You might want to explore mindfulness meditation and mindfulness practices. We can look at our emotional states as if they were weather patterns. In that way, it shifts the idea from “I’m sad” to “oh look there is sadness” much as we would look outside the window and see a cloud passing by. Just like clouds our emotions are never just one thing and they are always transient. We are not the cloud, we are just observing the cloud. And we know the cloud will change shape and float away or evaporate eventually. But all this doesn’t say the cloud is not real or is not affecting us. We learn to be gentle with ourselves and our experiences of emotion. Our emotions (even the hard ones) are a rich and important part of our lives. So I say you’re on a wonderful journey with therapy. You can find happiness in the mist of all your emotions.
@PineTreeTree
I will definitely look into that. I've been resistant because that term, mindfulness, was often used in an abusive way towards me, but I am getting better about identifying that just because a term was used negatively doesn't mean that it, in and of itself, is negative.
I also love the idea of viewing emotions like weather. I think that would be super helpful to me. Not I am the "bad thing", but "this is a feeling, it is not who I am". I appreciate that, and I will definitely look into mindfulness. I also have a few therapy workbooks I might bust out so I can use those between sessions.
Absolutely! Hopefully one day I can do my stand up tour, "Traumady" lmao
