TW: COCSA…i think?

i was just thinking about this randomly. a bit of a longer story….

•

•

•

but when i was 5 i had this friend who i considered my best friend like i would go to her house many times after school for playdates. and i remembered that i told her i had a crush on this boy in my class but she said the only way he would like me back if i had s3% with her.

Now at the time i had NO idea what that meant. she explained it to me. and *** i agreed but still i still didnt understand. 

Anyways we “did it” one day when i was over her house. she had a whole plan and i basically said yea to go along.

Now thinking back she was always sort of s3xu4l. she had older teen siblings so that could’ve been an influence in what she hears + sees.

But ever since that happened I frankly have had this weird feeling in my gut when it came to anything sexual. I can admit at one point i was pretty hyper s3xu4l in my teens but now im completely turned off by the idea like even simple physical touch is awkward and sorta unwanted.

idk am i reaching? i really pushed this situation down as a kid and tried to forget but its a memory i can see clearly :/ 

if you read all this ty.