Struggling

Tw domestic abuse and medical trauma

I haven't been doing well in general. I've been really struggling for a month now. I wanted to celebrate May 4th with my graduation, but I didn't make it to the ceremony. I was kicked out of my abusive ex's house so his new girlfriend could move in. There I had to stay in a hotel with my visiting friend until I, miraculously, found an apartment that let me sign a new lease and move in in May. I am grateful I was only "homeless" for about a week, but it was still incredibly stressful and traumatic when I was supposed to be celebrating my graduation. I don't have a hat I always dreamed about, just my degree paper from the mail.

I realized after moving that all of my valuable items financially were stolen. At least I have the sentimental ones...I really don't want to deal with the stress of getting those items back (if he didn't already throw them out by now). I have not spoken to him since and never want to again. I am in my apartment with my current boyfriend. I also was able to start PT for my chronic back pain. But recently I had an infected toenail removal but the numbing didn't work. I feel really traumatized by going through that painful surgery and the doctor was quite rude about waiting for the injections to work so I would be fully numb. I also had to miss PT appointments due to this surgery. Thankfully my boyfriend was there with me and comforted me but he works very often (I am unemployed at the moment) and it's difficult to take care of myself emotionally when I'm home alone.

I seem to be triggered every time I change my bandages if I'm home alone. I start thinking about how I was abused previously from my ex and hear his voice in my head shaming me for everything I do. I feel bad for texting my boyfriend so often at work but with my agoraphobia (I have had for years, only worsened by recent abuse) and now my foot recovering it's very hard for me to work or leave the house, let alone find friends.

I feel so overwhelmed: I need a spinal xray, I need to keep up with pt, I need to change bandages daily, I need to change my pharmacy to one closer to my new apartment, I should get therapy for the abuse for sure, I have so much guilt about not being good enough for my current boyfriend, I haven't even got to put the desk together yet, etc. And it's just so lonely. Every time my boyfriend isn't literally physically next to me I feel so unstable. Then I feel guilty for relying on him for comfort so much.

I really don't know what to do. I'm just trying to go day by day.