Socializing struggles, trauma, etc.

Just-- Rambling a lot. I'm sorry for the grammatical nonsense here, my thoughts are all over the place.

Everything feels overwhelming lately. I really don't get how people can relate to each other, and some don't even need to state as many boundaries as I do, and it's starting to feel like I'm the problem for being 'sensitive' to all these things I don't want pestering me.

I've been getting to actually know people lately despite my social anxiety which is not really improving a lot but it's getting somewhere. Sometimes I don't know what to do though. Having to eventually trust others on stuff fills me with dread and makes me want to run away as soon as that interaction's done because I really dislike it when my attempt of trusting people ends up being ridiculized,,, either when letting the person know what's wrong with me when they ask or when I want to share a bit of who I am and there's actually this one person I tend to struggle with a lot, who talks to me a lot, and also shares a lot. It's so much I feel very shy around him and I feel very anxious when he starts trauma-dumping or fights for pity points when I'm not feeling well, but I feel bad for him because he says he's not really nice to have around and I want to give him a chance, hoping that maybe the non-stop venting will cease at some point. Sometimes,, he make me feels like my problems aren't worth anything because he seems to have it worse and every time I tell him about one he brushes it off, but that might also be my fault for setting expectations or not specifying my needs.

Then it's just,, me dealing with trauma from my last friendship, thinking about the same things over and over every morning. Waking up from nightmares where my best friend talks to me after so much time like there's nothing, leaving me with a bit of a happy yet unnerving feeling about it because I know something's not right. I really miss him so much despite everything he did to me and I think of the things I would've loved to talk to him about every time I open a new coding project. There's some days I can't really get up from bed from how much his lack of presence hurts, and sometimes I wish I could tell someone all these things I'm bottling up, but I'm,, not sure I trust anyone. I keep lying to everyone because it's what I've been taught to do in order to maintain myself safe, so why should I be honest if it'll probably damage my safety.

But things are not that bad, not as bad as they were before. I'm trying to recover. I might not even know who I am, but I'm trying my best. Really positive things that happened to me this week like actually improving at my hobby and my teacher wanting to put me on a personalized study plan because she thinks I have the potential to do a lot more stuff than what she's teaching in class, ahaha. I don't really find myself wanting to celebrate my accomplishments because I don't feel genuine happiness from it... At least I can say I'm not doing that bad so far. It's all trial and error.