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ricebun
2 2,417 M Hopeful Heart 4
PathStep 29 Compassion hearts225 Forum posts6 Forum upvotes13 Current upvotes13 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2024 Member sinceMarch 11, 2023
Bio

He/him, male. I struggle with both mental and physical issues and often feel anxious around others. Although I don't see myself as a strong person, I try to protect those I love the most even if that makes me appear irritable to some. You might notice my self-esteem is very low.

Other than that, there's not really a lot to say about me. I enjoy science, music, learning languages and collecting Sanrio merch; In case you're into personality typology, I'm an INTP 6w5 sp/sx 694 RLUXI Mel-Phleg.

My favorite song right now is Wires by The Neighbourhood.



Recent forum posts
:(
Friendship Support / by ricebun
Last post
 September 29th
...See more I really wish he'd stop getting mad at me for having other friends. He says the way he treats me is not okay and that he shouldn't feel so jealous and angry at me, yet he continues to do it. I feel like I'm going insane, maybe I'm a bad friend. I feel like everyone would point a finger at me and judge me for lying to him about going to sleep just so I can be alone for some time, because he's always talking to me and gets mad if I don't.
Codependency
Relationship Stress / by ricebun
Last post
 May 26th
...See more I feel I'll never be able to escape him. I want to get away, but I'm so afraid I'll regret it. 
Socializing struggles, trauma, etc.
Trauma Support / by ricebun
Last post
 June 22nd, 2023
...See more Just-- Rambling a lot. I'm sorry for the grammatical nonsense here, my thoughts are all over the place. Everything feels overwhelming lately. I really don't get how people can relate to each other, and some don't even need to state as many boundaries as I do, and it's starting to feel like I'm the problem for being 'sensitive' to all these things I don't want pestering me. I've been getting to actually know people lately despite my social anxiety which is not really improving a lot but it's getting somewhere. Sometimes I don't know what to do though. Having to eventually trust others on stuff fills me with dread and makes me want to run away as soon as that interaction's done because I really dislike it when my attempt of trusting people ends up being ridiculized,,, either when letting the person know what's wrong with me when they ask or when I want to share a bit of who I am and there's actually this one person I tend to struggle with a lot, who talks to me a lot, and also shares a lot. It's so much I feel very shy around him and I feel very anxious when he starts trauma-dumping or fights for pity points when I'm not feeling well, but I feel bad for him because he says he's not really nice to have around and I want to give him a chance, hoping that maybe the non-stop venting will cease at some point. Sometimes,, he make me feels like my problems aren't worth anything because he seems to have it worse and every time I tell him about one he brushes it off, but that might also be my fault for setting expectations or not specifying my needs. Then it's just,, me dealing with trauma from my last friendship, thinking about the same things over and over every morning. Waking up from nightmares where my best friend talks to me after so much time like there's nothing, leaving me with a bit of a happy yet unnerving feeling about it because I know something's not right. I really miss him so much despite everything he did to me and I think of the things I would've loved to talk to him about every time I open a new coding project. There's some days I can't really get up from bed from how much his lack of presence hurts, and sometimes I wish I could tell someone all these things I'm bottling up, but I'm,, not sure I trust anyone. I keep lying to everyone because it's what I've been taught to do in order to maintain myself safe, so why should I be honest if it'll probably damage my safety. But things are not that bad, not as bad as they were before. I'm trying to recover. I might not even know who I am, but I'm trying my best. Really positive things that happened to me this week like actually improving at my hobby and my teacher wanting to put me on a personalized study plan because she thinks I have the potential to do a lot more stuff than what she's teaching in class, ahaha. I don't really find myself wanting to celebrate my accomplishments because I don't feel genuine happiness from it... At least I can say I'm not doing that bad so far. It's all trial and error.
Social Anxiety
General Support / by ricebun
Last post
 April 1st, 2023
...See more Sometimes I feel like I'm too ridiculous... Today my dad wouldn't stop making fun of me after a debate we had and I talked to an acquaintance of mine, but I started talking too much and I feel like I made a fool of myself overall. Social anxiety is horrible and I'm sure almost no one really pays attention to how 'ridiculous' I (think I) am. I just really need to unwind.
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