I would just like to validate myself

Hello, everyone. How are you all?

I just want to drop by to open up.

I am officially diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder with Rapid Cycling. Ever since this developed, my life never felt the same again.

Now, I just wanna say that I am not sure how long my energy can keep up with life's demands, especially in the family department. I already found to the confidence to overcome it. I'd like to assure I got no plans to do anything bad because I know life can still be worth the shot It's just... All the energy I am supposed to be putting on my passions and goals, my growth, are being used up by dealing with people in my life who I thought and claimed themselves would care for me. It just hurts that most of my family and friends were here for me when I am only at my best. But I almost cannot find them or get them to listen well when I am at my worst. They always accuse me of gaslighting when I challenge their overwhelming, negative thinking. And people often find problems repuslsive when I almost ended up repressing myself for anothwr decade again. It just... Ruins my progress with my self-esteem. It's like it all only works out with them all at first, but then they all give up and break their promised convictions halfway when things get wuite messy. I feel and notice my efforts to stay well are futile and invalidated. It hurts because I do them when no one was looking. I thought to myself "Why do I have to always prove myself? Ain't? Many of the sincerest actions done without audience to praise or applaud me?" Yet they also grab the chance to run to me when they need my support. it hurts because I do support them and, being a Christian, do my best to follow the principle of not asking anything in return. But... Why does it have to come to a point were it all feels one-sided. I feel like I am wasting my current friends' effort to appreciate and support me. I mean, they of course are not always available as they have their own lives too. As much as I want to run to them, I cannot take too much of their time. I know they want to, too. But live can get in their way, too.

I just wanted to be myself. I just wanted to be well and better. It is not easy to eat healthy everyday with ample amount of cash that often go to basic needs, therapy and medication in this third-world economy. It is not easy to stick to a field I know I can excel in the most knowing not everyone understamd its nature well and most will usually just stick with heavy-laden, mind-effing jobs to make ends meet. It is not easy to always push myself to move and take action when I know I am tired because I got not other choice most of the time. It is not easy to to assert when I know people would again lash out at me as a result despite them overstepping and violating my boundaries repetitively no matter how much I try to communicate about it. It is not easy that I do things alone most of the time because I tend to get most of my important things better rhat way. Sometimes this makes me feel isolated because people did not get to witness how much I had to do for myself. It is not easy to rely momentarily on people I know hurt me lots of times before while I work my way, blood, sweat and tears to find a better job that I would enjoy the most after settling for less just to survive. And a lot more.

I am just so tired. I am sick of tired of emotionally unavailable family members and friends who I trusted but got rejected by. I don't want to give up, but my mind kept telling me "no more". It is begging me to rest. Yet life won't let me with its constant demands and challenges. i just need people by my side who will not judge me for what I am going through and invalidate my cries. I just need someone who will respect and believe me that I know what is right for me while most of my clan micromanage me. I just need honest people who can tell me ahead of time if they can handle my burdens when they start hearing it instead of running for the hills halfway upon hearing it because, it turns out, they may have struggled to gaugw themselves if they really can handle the reality and emotions of it.

I wanna be free from this dysfunctional place if no one can help me and not have the temptation to dislike my condition anymore. I regret staying with them. I don't hate them. I just want a new place for myself so I can heal from all this and never have to experience resentment ever again. For my health. For my dreams. For my Higher Power.

I just wanna feel true joy again.