I’m trying my best to stay positive, but it makes me feel even depressed.

This will be a very long story. Thanks for your patience and kindness.

My parents got divorced since I am 2. I lived with my grandparents. I am ADHD diagnosed. But my family never care to understand what it is.

My father became a crazy sadistic person only towards me after he met my stepmom.

My stepmom was super mean and scary to me, and my father knows all about it. She would use the despise look on me since I have memories. She called my mom a *** all the time, like non stop. And keep telling me I am as dirty as my mom. Everytime I am at her place she would watch me wash my hands and humiliate me with every mean looks and words. And she would always have different ways to demean me and mock me. I am all like a stupid puppet that let her boss me around and do all the mean stuff to me cuz I was too young too dumb.

My father is a very angry and violent person. For any reason, he would make me knees in front of whole family and slap me in the face. So to pleasure my stepmom. Or maybe he could also get out on me cuz he thinks my mom cheated on him. All my memories about him is all yelling, hitting, humiliating, punishing me. Or more. It still feels hurts to tell all about it. I remember he would drive an hour to me at the late night. Just to yell at me. Be mean and mad at me. Saying those really hurtful words to me. I have to admit that I was never able to meet his academic standards and indeed he pays all my bills and expenses. Then everytime he did those things to me, he would give a lot of money. Which as I loser kid like me would definitely take the money and go sprees. He would ask me to go to the company he owned, opened office door. Yelled at me and saying. I wish I could get money by just such tiny effort. Yes, I wish I would understand making money is very hard while he has always give me a whole lot money to me since I was like 5. And never really have time to really talk to me like a father. Instead of it, I was being mocked and humiliated, demeaning, violating, like every of this is normal. Even now I telling all these, I even feel like I am too overreacting. 

My grandparents are very old, they don’t have a very good sense of organising a good family. I was super spoiled by my dear grandma. And my grandma was a very manipulative woman. She likes playing games in between her sons. And grandchildren would be her tool. She teaches me how to lies to accomplish some goals. But I also don’t have too much opinion and mindset at that time. So I did learn something from her. 

My grandparents would hit me very bad for no good reason too. Some trivia thing like I just walk pass the television that was playing on a show so I might block the vision for like 2seconds. My grandpa will get up and chase me down to hit me. Nevertheless, even my grandma is the only person I can lean on, we shared the same bed until I am 14. Not because we don’t have extra room and bed. 

My father almost never comes to visit my grandparents due to that malicious stepmom. He only show up at grandparents house when he wants to hit me or something crazy.

So when I ever got chance, I got a boyfriend, and immediately moved to his place. But my father would still chase me down and keep doing all these to me…

After some times, I broke up with my boyfriend, and live by myself.. there was a night, when I was on the phone with my date at that time, I was opening the door to my apartment, suddenly a strong force pull me in and the man who is my ex strangled me and my phone was still on. I only have the first second that I screamed then I just couldn’t have any voice cuz I am strangled to faint. But I was hoping that my date who I have been dating for quite a while at the other side would definitely help me call the police. At least. 

My ex also brought an iron hammer. He totally wants me dead. The hammer eventually goes to my head and I bleed a lot, he finally got scared when he sees the blood. And we hold each other and cried together. And I immediately forgave him. And the most amazing thing is. My date never got to show up any missed calls or even just a message after 3days. Another crazy disappointment and losing faith in human.

Even after years, I have left town… he hired people to get in touch with me. And try to convince me ‘home’.

However, my grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer disease. So I went back to that house. But nightmare just begin very soon. I helped to organise home stuff, and there was an item I was told by my grandfather, he wanted it to be put somewhere else. So I did put it away, and went out for jogging. The moment I backed, my grandfather got all mad and cranky and crazy and asked where was that item, I was still catching my breath from the jogging, I said I will get that later. But he won’t listen, and he called my father and tell him about this. And my father tells my grandfather to called police on me. Then he did.

I am so tired of all these things. It is totally *** for me. I tried my best to love and provide even I know I couldn’t really give what they needed. I also understand every of them have their own mental states that they couldn’t handle. But, still, it’s too much for me. 

They are all about money and power.

I am more a free spirit that I might need that but I don’t care too much.

Anyway… they are very unsupportive and discouraging even when it comes to grandma’s sickness… I was so overwhelmed.. There was only me who was really cared and acted… I don’t know how to explain the feeling of such disappointment and sadness. I have completely lose my faith in it..

Then I run away again…

But I don’t feel like I can be function anymore.

I used to be so lively even under all these circumstances… umm.. I actually always reacted towards every event very very late…. But now it really has overloaded..

I constantly feel scared about people, about relationships, like any kind of relationships. I tend to push people away. Then I feel it’s not right, so I be super nice to everyone. But it just got so weird. It’s just not as normal as I was before anymore.. I got hurt from people again…

So now I hide myself and not seeing or talking to anyone…. 

 I still have dreams to pursue….

But I just don’t have any energy and motivation now….

How can I get over it…

I am so broken….💔💔💔💔

Thank you for reading all of it. God blessed.💖