I’m scared.
I don’t want to go too deep into detail about exactly my “trauma” is, because it’s embarrassing to me and i feel stupid for LETTING myself become traumatized because according to adults in my life (including my own parents) this is just a normal teenage experience. But tldr illegal drug and underage alcohol/nic consumption. Not me doing it, but having to watch my friends do and talk about it constantly all with the knowledge of what happened to my grandparents and uncle (who have a nic and drug addiction respectively and live miserable lives) and having to carry the burden of this because i felt responsible as the “good influence”/“mom” friend. The situation has warped my personality in very negative ways and it caused me to have triggers that unfortunately aren’t easily avoidable offline. I also occasionally have nightmares and sometimes even intrusive thoughts about doing these things i do not wish to partake in ever (I mean I might drink RESPONSIBLY when I’m of age, but drugs and nic never) it’s incredibly stupid, and sometimes i genuinely wish something actually bad had happened so I don’t feel like a faker. When I think about how badly it affected me I start to feel a feeling of self hatred and like I’m just overexaggerating what happened for attention.
Most of where these activities took place when they all got together for sleepovers. The thought of having a sleepover with more than one person at a house that isn’t mine makes me extremely uncomfortable because i feel like i have no control over situations and something bad and or/illegal is going to happen and im once again going to feel responsible.
here’s where the issue comes in— when I broke off from the larger friend group of when that stuff happened (because of unrelated things that aren’t important to this topic), I made a new friend and, as of very recent, a brand new friend group. My best friend’s in that group’s birthday is coming up soon, and they’re having a sleepover with 5 other people afaik, not counting me. This person is a bit silly and sometimes makes jokes about drugs, but doesn’t do them or any other substance. I even opened up to them and they reassured me that nothing like that would happen at their party. I trust them with my life, but what if someone else does something? I’m just. Scared. But i don’t want to wuss out on my best friend’s birthday party just because of some crap that shouldn’t have affected me the way it did. Any advice on what I should do to calm myself and make myself less scared about going? It’s probably not until the end of the month/early September so long term solutions could work.
@furanjisuka
You should not be embarrassed or ashamed ... you have a valid concern.
You have had a front row seat to see the damage and what can happen.... while the advice that this is normal teenage stuff is true ( almost every yearbook has kids killed often underage drinking or stupid normal teen stuff) you have a valid reason to be maybe apprehensive about being a witness to self destruction at a sleep over.
If it was other things ...would adults encourage you to speak up ..... "if you see something say something" self harm/ eating disorders / mental health issues speak up ...... but underage drinking... or drug use forget about it. seriously ask those people to explain the hierarchy of when we are suppose to look the other way?
@toughTiger6481 right! and some of them use the bullcrap excuse of "it's fun" or "I'm gonna waste my teenage years if I don't" like????????? what's worse is, it isn't even legal in our state (obviously drinking and nicotine is 21+ nationwide but weed isn't legal aside from cbd for MEDICINAL PURPOSES. and i recal on time on of them said to me "we're doing it not to help with anxiety but for the feel of it". I'm so sick of everything. I wish I was never born into this society.
@furanjisuka I’m really sad to hear that you’re going through this, but I want you to know that it’s impressive how you’re handling it with such good judgment.
It can be really overwhelming when things don’t change the way we hope, even when our intentions are good. Remember, your first responsibility is to yourself—making sure you feel safe and comfortable is what’s most important. Whether you decide to go with them or not, it’s okay to prioritize your well-being. And don’t forget, you deserve to be surrounded by people who respect and support you.
Sending you lots of hugs, courage and positivity! I hope you find brighter days and friends who make you feel safe and valued.