I'm not like my ideal self enough

Relevant to the self-discrepancy theory in psychology. I'm very insecure about my own personality/cognition/behaviour etc because it doesn't align with what I identify as.

Traits I am deeply ashamed of and distressed by (feeling inferior to others as a result):

• oversharing
• acting without thinking, being impulsive
• being energised by speaking to people
• being aware of my surroundings, rarely (if ever at all) "lost in my head" as some people put it
• being superstitious
• having an eviction notice due to self-neglect, struggling to keep the house tidy, pushing people away, and it's all my fault. My entire life pretty much I've been acting without thinking of the consequences and I'm so ashamed.
• caring what others think.
• needing to leave the house every day otherwise I feel bored.
• being more selfish/ "my way or the highway" instead of letting other people have a say.
• obsessing over my physical appearance.
• being more emotional than logical.
• lacking critical thinking skills, or certainty in whatever conclusions.
• being emotionally expressive, overreacting.
• preferring the internet over video games.
• taking pleasure in eating food, weighing more than a certain amount.
• buying unnecessary things I do not need.
• someone else having aesthetic taste or fashion sense etc that is more ideal self than I am.

It's as if the anti-self traits outweigh any and all "ideal self" traits I have (intellectual curiosity, introspection, neurodivergence, etc). This self-hatred feeling is just unbearable. I invented the term "trans-typal" because of this.

It's like I force myself to be as un- anti-self as possible yet simultaneously not wanting to because the act of forcing yourself to do certain things or not do certain things just for the image even when you are reluctant to is inherently antiself in itself, leaving me completely confused and uncertain as to what I should actually do.

I would rather die than be the list above. The more undesirable traits I have and the more "emphasised" they are the worse I feel about myself.

I feel like life is meaningless and boring and pointless--- unless I get public transport to a nice location and smoke weed there, that's fun af
but it's also too anti-self (my ideal self is content staying indoors all day, maybe with the exception of walking locally sometimes)

Seeing my social worker is just the worst. The reminder of the painfully brutally ugly truth, not the comforting lies I tell myself just so I don't [cessation of DNA], I'm at risk of eviction due to not engaging with staff (my typology obsession results in me psychoanalysing everyone and feeling inferior to others because they are more ideal self than I am for whatever reason, that being said I find it difficult to engage with others in any context especially IRL and not the internet because of intense feelings of inferiority), struggling to keep the property tidy (I've always been a messy person), and self-neglect / failing to pay pills on time / etc.

It's all my fault. I've dug myself into a hole. How impulsive. How anti-self.

I can't help but feel intimidated out of my skin and eventually start breaking into tears sooner or later whenever around my social worker.