I feel pathetic and trapped

I just don’t know where to turn anymore. It’s impossible to find a therapist right now where I am. I’ve tried talking to friends in the past about this. They’re not my friends anymore. No listener on here apparently is “equipped to deal with this”. I see well regarded people on here continuing to comment and be treated well despite comments they make that are hurtful and have perpetuated feelings I have because of trauma in my past.

i grew up with neglectful and emotionally manipulative parents. I was a small boy and am still small as a young adult. As a teenager all of my intimate relationships were drowned in feelings of inadequacy, infidelity, and embarrassment. I had a friend who girls would often talk about because of his size. He exposed himself to me to intimidate me and make himself feel superior. We were at a party once when girls asked him to do this and he did. They glorified him for it.

i have no one to talk to and help with this. I feel completely stuck and trapped in this feeling and it seems like it will never go away. But people on here feel completely justified in ignoring this, or insulting me further. I just don’t know what to do.