I don’t know how to put this into a title
I feel physically sick right now. I sometimes wish I can go back into the past and experience those times again but that was a depressing time for me. I sometimes also wish I could become pretty and popular again so I can have everyone attention and have friends again. But that wasn’t good at all either, I’d just be lying to myself about who I am again, I’d be sad. I want everyone one to know I’m pretty— I was bullied pretty badly for my hair texture, skin color body and etc. now that i am “ pretty “ I want to stay that way and continue to put on wigs so everyone deem I am attractive. I miss being that popular girl.
I notice the bad in what I am saying though. To go back in those times WOULDNT be good I want to focus on the present not the past, the past has hurt me and I don’t want to be stuck there. To be the ‘ popular girl ‘ would just mean me making a fool out of myself again and trying to be the class clown while I’m severely depressed and everyone doesn’t know. To want to be seen as ‘ attractive ‘ by others would mean I’m betraying myself because I am trying to focus on recognizing my own beauty, build my confidence and finding love within myself. I don’t want their acceptance because it doesn’t last for long. I don’t want to crave that attention like a drug.
Its even hard to accept compliments. I just started to be told I am pretty maybe 1-2 years ago. It’s hard. My boyfriend tells me my hair is and I’ve become comfortable wearing it out. But sometimes I dislike it. My boyfriend helps me a lot, he has made me love myself and him. I feel like craving that attention to be seen as pretty would be betraying him as well. I don’t ever want to betray him. Sometimes I become so depressed it is hard to feel anything. It’s just hard.
I will keep fighting though, keep pushing to reach my end result to be happy in my own body! To feel, to be happy again (:
@FishPhos21
It sounds like you're going through a difficult time and are struggling with your self-esteem. It's great that you're recognizing your own feelings and working towards finding happiness within yourself! Remember that everyone has their own journey, and it's okay to take your time to heal and grow!
Having someone who loves and supports you, like your boyfriend, can be a huge help. And don't forget to give yourself credit for all the progress you've already made! You've come a long way from where you started and should be proud of yourself for that ❤️
It's not easy to accept compliments and love yourself, but it's a journey that is worth it. Instead of focusing on the past or trying to be someone you're not, try to focus on the present and embrace who you are. Remember that your self-worth and happiness should not depend on others' opinions or validation. You are beautiful and serving of love and happiness, just the way you are! Keep pushing forward, take things one day at a time, and don't be afraid to reach out for help if you need it! Take care 😊
