I don't know how to feel

TW: child abuse, sexual abuse, m0lestation of a minor

He was supposed to be my dad

then he told me i wasnt his, but it didnt change anything

then he touched me

i didnt know

how could i know?

i was twelve

he said he was helping me

i believed him

i trusted him

a year later, i ended up talking to people online

older men

things happened

but me and dad did it

so it was fine

right...?

it wasnt

my parents found out

it was investigated

i was interviewed

dad said i couldnt tell anyone about us

it would make things hard for my mom and sisters

it continued after that

for two years, twelve to fourteen, i let it happen

and one day

i snapped

told him if he put his hand in my pants one more time, i would break his fingers

standing there, in the kitchen, in the middle of the night, his fingers on the waistline

he never responded, i walked away

we fought a year later, i asked how he could expect me to trust him around my sisters (theyre his) or my future kids

he told me not to say sh!t like that, it was different, he was trying to protect me, he thought i'd be safer at home

i hate him

but i love him

he's provided for my family

he was there, when my bio dad never was, i dont even know his name

little things, like bringing me medicine at school when i get a migraine

or teaching me little things to help me later in life

getting me an ipad because i love to draw

i hate him

but i love him

and around and around this cycle of thoughts goes

he hurt me, ruined me, and i'll never be the same

but he raised me, loved me ( he says) and i owe everything to him