Idk if this is a trauma response? TW sensitive content
Regarding to my previous post.
After the SA happened my 5 year old mind went curious as to why my cousin wants to see my private part, what's so good about it? Does everyone thinks my private part is interesting?
I saw videos of naked people doing it. The first time I saw it is when the SA happened. So, as the time passed by I found pleasure of playing with myself vut as I got older I feel disgusted about myself. I feel aroused when I'm thinking about the SA. I became hypersexual. I hate it. I don't know what to do. I feel so disgusted.
However, when I think about a man doing it with me I feel nauseous but when I'm only doing it with myself I feel pleasure.
Idk this is so embarrassing. I just don't know what to do. Is this hormones? Idk. Maybe ovulation?
So many possibilities but why am I aroused when I'm thinking about my own SA.
Additionally, whenever I see my body I feel aroused as I can feel my cousins touch still. I hate it.
@SHmau
I am sorry to hear about all the confusion and difficult feelings you must be going through.
As far as I know one of the most challenging things in healing from the sexual abuse is the fact the SA puts you right in the middle of an internal conflict. Your body might automatically find pleasure in a sexual act, despite the fact it was emotionally painful experience, especially when you grew up and understood the entire context of the situation.
I think you are right that what you are going through now is the natural, complicated reaction to trauma. Some kind of hypersexuality can also be the result. Feeling guilt or hatred to your body reactions (you may perceive them as betraying your mind and values) can be, as well.
The good news is your natural body reactions were not destroyed by the experience. But what was broken was the link between the body and the mind - that is why you cannot feel safe with anybody except yourself, and it may be hard for you to connect your body's healthy needs with self-acceptance, love and values you believe in.
Healing from that would take re-connecting your body with your mind again, "repairing" what was damaged and making you an integrated, happy person, who could meet her natural needs without fear or guilt.
Do you have any possibility to talk about your experience to a professional (an SA-specialized therapist, traumatologist or sexologist)? How do you like the idea this might be helpful?
Thank you<3
I didn't talk about it with a therapist since i don't have any money to do so and I'm hiding it from my parents
