Hello, Again
LONG POST!!!
One year ago, I was using this app to vent my trauma. No one really responded much, but just writing it out helped. I just wanted to update this profile and let everyone know that life does not get better. But you can.
In the time span that I moved away from my abusive family, I got therapy. Met my bio-dad, had a 6 month relationship that ended, became homeless, gave my child up for adoption (many reasons, its open and I message her adoptive parents everyday, she's doing so much better), and I got my first apartment out homelessness in July, got into a new and surprisingly healthy relationship, I had a job but quit sometimes over a week ago, I've had several interviews for new ones this past week for new ones.
Rumors go around about the adoption, and I really don't care because I know why I did it. My kid is happy, she's healthy, finally got her shots updated, and she's with financially stable people. I couldn't bring her to suffer with me, as I'm still currently struggling to feed myself. I miss her a lot, I sleep with her blanket every night. I feel guilty for having happy moments without her. Its a lot but I don't regret the decision.
Still going through a lot mentally, still going through the hard parts of life. But my efforts of trying are being rewarded, slowly but surely. I'm managing my emotions, for the first time really looking into them. And I'm always looking for different ways to improve my mental health. Yeah, my situation isn't desirable.
However...
I no longer have a suicidal plan to act on. I have less nightmares. I have less struggles figuring out what I'm feeling, and even seeing why I feel/act how I do. I have a lot I'm questioning about me and this time I'm actually figuring out. I wish things were different, I wish I had my kid, I wish I had a better paying job, a better home, no struggle for groceries. But every single day, I remind myself I gave my child a better life. I am happier without my toxic family (entirely NC). Not the ideal life, but the life I needed go through to break the generational curses on my family.
Still have a lot of healing and a lot of stuff to fix in my life. But things are going to get there. I have made the choice that I am not going to go down without a fight, and I am one *** of a fighter.
@queendomnex
It sounds like you have made great strides and you do not have to explain your choices to anyone...
You are very brave and so inspiring to face things head on go no contact with toxic people and make the best choice for your child. I look around and see many whom have not made such great strides... be proud of yourself.
I admire you and wish you the Best in your Journey
@queendomnex
Hello, I felt especially compelled to respond to your post; you said that people didn't necessarily respond much to your posts, so I would like to be that person today and perhaps write down something meaningful in response to your story. It's true that writing it out can be helpful and nice on its own, but I hope you just know that I heard you today.
You've been through a lot by the sounds of it--you moved away from an abusive family and worked on healing yourself and growing as a person through therapy. You also gave up a child for adoption--and I want you to know that some people may attempt to stigmitize your decision or whatever, but you were going through a lot, and it seems like you weren't ready at the time emotionally and also financially to have a child and perhaps also had other reasons, and you wanted your child to have a better chance at life. I think what you did was selfless and you tried to give your child the best chance they could, and you also seem to be open and in contact with the adoptive parents. You care about her deeply, and sometimes the greatest test of love is knowing when to let someone go; I can tell how much you love your child and want the best life for her. You don't have to feel guilty--as you said, she's happy, she's healthy, and with financially stable people. Nobody has a right to question you or spread rumors--you did the best you could with what you had.
You've also struggled with homelessness too and managed to get a job and afford your own apartment; you ought to be incredibly proud of yourself, and I'm proud of you and the way you have strove forward. It's hard to make things better, and once people become homeless, it can be a monstrosity to get out of that situation--and make what you can of it. But you have done it--despite the terrible hand that life dealt you. You are right that you're strong; you are a fighter, and you are the real hero that I wish people wrote about more and captured movies about more. We see heroes on television with superpowers and cool abilities, but we ignore the real heroes who are around us and are fighting every day. There are many people who will never know the pain of having an abusive family, struggling with poverty and getting food on the table, the mental toll that brings, but you know and understand what it means personally. It wasn't ideal but you have done the best that you could and you have already broken some generational curses related to your family by taking these steps for yourself and trying your very best to make your life work. Please take care, and I hope you hear my words, and if you ever do post again, I hope that I will see it.
@queendomnex
My Goodness my dear, you have gone through a lot and I want to say to you to hold your head up and pat yourself on the back. You have made wonderful strides in handleing your situations. I really admire your persistence and your accomplishments. It took strength and courage to keep moving as you did.
Most of all breaking some of those generational curses. I to resonate with parts of your story. You are strong and very courageous. I really want you to know that you are not alone and I truly know that things have been extremely hard for you. There is a silver lining somewhere near and you will experience it. keep writing and telling your truths. I believe you are going to be ok.🌞
@queendomnex
I am happy to hear that you felt safe venting on this platform, venting and having someone to listen is one great way to help share burdens, I hope that you are doing well now and listeners on 7 cups would be more than happy to help and talk to you!
YOU are indeed a fighter! :) Keep moving forward and believing.