Can anyone help with advice for emotions and feelings issues?
I am a survivor of long-term childhood abuse, and then was married for 13 years. Had four kids, and after I filed for divorce, when my ex husband found out, he sexually assaulted me at gunpoint. I find it difficult for whatever reason to not take on the negativity. That is around me, whether it be with my kids or with my husband or others. Does anybody else struggle to assert their own feelings? And not take on those of others even with my own kids. It's like I'm a people pleaser, or try to be Just to keep peace and harmony and happiness. Even when it's not healthy. Thank God, my kids are all wonderful. Kids, although they're not really kids anymore, they're 1817 16 and 14, but they've had a perfectly normal and happy. Life because I wanted to give them everything I didn't have, but in doing that tend to spoil them a little bit and given to them just to keep peace and happiness at all costs. And I know that's not good, my husband that I've remarried constantly gets on to me. For not being harder on the kids when need be, but it's like I can't find the strength to do it because it affects me so harshly. I don't know how to treat this or how to fix it or how to find strength to fix it. I take medication, I see my psychiatrist, but I'm at a rut. When it comes to feelings and emotions, I just don't know how to conquer this. I am an Eastern orthox Christian, and I find a lot of peace in my own faith, but I don't don't know how to beat this and how to be assertive and not take on the negativity. Or painful emotions of others, how to be able to not take on the unhappiness of my kids when I have to get on to them for things that they do or for attitudes that they give me, does anybody have any advice?
@TheDragonMom
It is easy to try to be peacekeeper and people pleasing it is harder to say NO and say the hard things sometimes. It is a common thing for people who had hard childhoods or negativity in their life to not want that for child and to shield that from their kids and loved ones. As your "kids" are young adults i found my relationship changed with mine as they became older. i spoke more freely and have broken the people pleasing attitude. it was exhausting to keep people pleasing up and it is OK to put down the mask and be honest and say NO.
I learned a lot from my mom and watching others peoples style ... my mom hid herself how she really felt her struggles her disappointments and made me feel like i missed out on knowing her as an adult.
I watched her protect and solve my siblings problems to eventually she was broke trying to appease them...... they used her people pleasing til she had nothing left to give and then had no use for her. I have also watched others shield their children from the negative or the troubles they had and their child was upset and angry when they faced challenges as adults they would say " my parents never had this problem or that one " but the parents DID but hid them from child to keep things "happy" and stress free.
One of the hardest things I ever will hear is one of my kids had a relationship fall apart and we were surprised/ confused as things always looked like it was going well ........ the grown child told their sibling " they could have stayed and continue to make things look smooth but they did not want to be unhappy like they believed me to be"
The early part of their life I did people pleasing smooth things type things and it had imprinted on them. make the change not only for yourself but to show your kids you can have boundaries and speak up instead of people pleasing.