Betrayal Trauma - Boyfriend’s Porn Addiction

@affableTalker1811 Hello. This is exactly what I wrote in another thread today... I am sorry you may feel like that. Although literally it is not a "real betrayal", it certainly might feel like one.

A pornography is an "intimacy fast food", and using it twice a day may certainly be a serious addiction, I think. I believe your boyfriend cannot solve the problem himself, and a talk to an experienced therapist could be beneficial. Or maybe coming to a meeting of an SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) 12-Steps group, to check what is there?

Reading the last paragraph of your description, it seems a woman's role in your boyfriend's mind might be significantly messed up. Some experiences make people hard to connect love and closeness with sex, thinking that anything connected to body is (or must be) "dirty". Also perceiving a person of the opposite sex as an authority and an asexual one can be difficult to overcome. It usually results from traumatic experiences or dysfunctional family patterns.

I’m so sorry about your experiences. I too have dated someone who struggled with a porn addiction, and it definitely presents very unique relational challenges.

For him, he has to come to terms with the fact that he needs help in order to break the cycle of addiction. That means that he 1. needs to admit that he does have an addiction, 2. recognize that it does cause relational problems, 3. seek help and accountability (NOT YOU AND NOT HIS HOMIES) in order to break free from addiction and heal what the addiction has hurt, and 4. be an active and willing participant in that process.

For you, there is nothing you can do to help him besides refuse to tolerate the addiction. It is SO hard because when you care about someone, you want to be with them. I’m not saying break up, but I am encouraging you to really think about how much you’re willing to tolerate. If he doesn’t seek help, it will only get worse.

As for the betrayal trauma, that’s so real and so valid. We live in a hyper-sexual society where most people don’t see porn as a problem until they start to see the way it fragments relationships. Addiction is an illness. While it may seem like he’s choosing to hurt you, he’s actually stuck in a cycle that he’s powerless to break on his own. However, that does leave you betrayed and abandoned by someone who claimed to love you. Know that his actions do not define who deserving you are of love, nor are they indicators of how much he loves you. Seek fulfillment in other connections with friends, relatives, etc. Find people who will show up for you so you can prove to yourself that not everyone will betray you. And grieve what has happened. Move through it, as long as it takes.

Again, I know how hard this is, and I’m so sorry.

Do you think he’s insightful himself as to how come this “mild porn addiction” is part of his life? Is he that concerned how it affects you? Do you think he’s insightful himself has a right to sexual experiences aside from being with you (I.e. self-intimacy)? If you think he relies on porn as a form of self-soothing or coping mechanism do you think there is any way he can express his intimacy through your relationship together rather than through a hidden porn addiction? Maybe he feels ashamed about things, but finds it difficult to quit. Also, to manage the feelings he desires may be difficult as he may depend on a cycle of porn to fulfill what is missing in his life even if such a fantasy is not possible or highly unlikely. As a male myself, it is difficult because even in a relationship a person may not feel like they can completely express themselves for various reasons. Your boyfriend’s mild porn addiction may allow him a way to do so and have some positive feelings he relies upon. People also view porn so very differently culturally so it can be difficult to maybe agree upon what is right or wrong or helpful or unhelpful in a relationship. Additionally, there are multiple interpretations of how intimacy can be healthy even within a relationship. Although often frowned upon and potentially destabilizing to a relationship, maybe your boyfriend’s reliance on porn represents a habit formation and pattern that if he has no replacement to somehow he may just fall back into things.

It’s possible a sex therapist or a therapist who specializes in sexual and intimacy issues could be a real help here. I wish you and your boyfriend the best. I’m sorry if my message isn’t particularly strongly in support of things one way or another. I hope you can build a stronger and closer relationship together. Maybe that can happen as a result of integrating some therapeutic efforts. I just hope for a better result for you and him because it sounds like the struggle with this issue is very real and destabilizing. I hope things can turn in a better direction which brings you both to a better place together having recognized your boyfriend’s challenges with intimacy and porn.