What living in a state of dissociation can feel like - ZH
Hello everyone,
Living in a state of dissociation can feel differently for everyone. After we've already heard how it feels like for an anonymous member nearly two months ago here, we now have the luck to get to see another perspective, another version of how dissociation can affect someone: ZH kindly wrote a description of what living in a state of dissociation feels like to her. Please share your thoughts regarding the post and your appreciation for ZH in the comments.
What living in a state of dissociation can feel like - ZH
I never knew that how I felt, being dissociated, wasn’t how everyone felt. I’d been in this dreamlike state since childhood. A lot of insight about trauma wasn’t common knowledge at that time, even in the 2010s.
I remember asking my friend, “Isn’t being a human so weird? You know that feeling when you’re driving down the road, and you logically know where you are... You know where to turn, you aren’t lost, but you just feel like you’ve never been there before? Like you’re stuck in a dream?” The other side of the phone was oddly silent before he finally responded, “...nnno?” I told him I probably wasn’t explaining it right, and we changed the subject.
Years later, through Tumblr actually, I realized - I was explaining it just fine, I just hadn’t known that not everyone knew what this felt like. Dissociation for me was constant - it felt like my brain was filled with cotton and I couldn’t escape it. Dissociation made me feel like an observer of the world, rather than a participant. I watched life happen all around me as I walked in this body I didn’t feel familiar with.
And, sometimes, that felt cool to me, and often used this perspective as a lens and voice for my art/music. Other times, it felt dangerous and unsettling, especially when faced with a known trigger. It evoked sheer panic when I wasn’t able to feel the physical sensation against my body, and then feeling unfamiliar to my body as I looked down at it. My hands still feel huge most days - whenever I see my small handprint on something, I’m still surprised.
I will say, dissociation isn’t constant for me anymore. I was so afraid I’d never break out of it. It was all I knew - feeling tethered to a physical body while having no connection with it all, my mind feeling full of stuffing, simultaneously seeing through my eyes normally but feeling like I’m 10 feet back all at once, and feeling so much at once that I feel nothing at all… horror plays through my mind but on the outside, I’m withdrawn and frozen in time… it’s like a dreamy daze, until it’s a nightmare.