Triggered Little

I'm sure this will resonate with some, but the little alters in my system being sad are the hardest to cope with. It makes my entire system a little on edge and feeling a need to protect the little.

Our system has a little that says "I want a mommy" a lot and we've finally gotten to a point that the little is more easily soothed when she's having those really challenging longings for a mother figure. My therapist use to tell me it was my job to help her feel safe and to find an internal mother figure of the little and I got so much push back from the little "I want a REAL mommy" type stuff.

Today I had a little that was watching a video on social media. In the video it was a little girls being told by her foster family that she was being adopted and the girl was so happy. The video made me bawl because I have a little that wishes we would have been adopted when we were young.

When I was 7 my siblings got put in foster home and got adopted by their family, but an aunt took me for temporary and gave me back to my parents a couple of years later. The type of abuse that got my siblings taken from the home started happening again, but no one saved me. So my siblings got adopted by their families and got to have a safe more comfortable life and I got more trauma, and so there's a part that really wishes I would have been adopted too so that I could have a chance at life like they got. My brother is 3 years younger than me and has his PhD working as a physical therapist, with almost all of his loans paid off. His parents paid almost all of his undergrad. My other brother got a hand me down house from his family. His family also helped him pay for college to get his certification in HVAC. My sister is the youngest, she inherited a house from her family. She has two gorgeous kiddos, a great husband and great family.

Then there's me, the oldest with nothing but debt and trauma that I can't seem to escape. Single afraid of affection from others. I've been homeless. I do have my college degree, but I still have almost $100K in debt because no one helped me pay for college. I have dreams of going to graduate school to be a trauma art therapist, but I don't know how to make that happen because I'm so damaged and so broken, and then also how the heck am I going to pay for it.

I'm just feeling really sad. And not sure how to help my little who wishes we'd been adopted feel better.