Questioning Plurality - Any Insight?
Hello everyone,
Recently, I've been questioning if I'm plural. I will list out some symptoms in a moment, but I want to make it clear I am NOT looking for someone to diagnose me with anything. I just want to see if what I'm experiencing aligns with what anyone else is. I have also poured over the DSM V criterion for DID, OSDD-1a and -1b, as well as related dissociative and ever trauma-based disorders, and I feel I am experiencing some of what is listed, though I don't fully trust myself to know.
Symptoms:
- Extreme disassociation, especially in relation to stress. This involves an extreme dizzy/light-headed feeling, with unfocused eyes. Sometimes, my head lolls. The world seems to move very slowly. I am unable to consistently form coherent thoughts, though often a song plays in my head during it.
- Other dissociative symptoms, such as: Feeling like the person in the mirror is not me (I have always felt this. The mirror-person is just a body to me. I do not feel negatively toward the person in the mirror, just disconnected), feeling disconnected from my body (ie. My limbs feel too light/heavy, I feel untethered in some way from the earth), or having third-person dreams or experiences
- Issues with memory. My memories, especially those when I was young, are fuzzy and colorless, like viewing an old, soundless, black and white movie. I feel emotionally disconnected, though sometimes I have physical reactions (like a racing heart). The memories do not feel like they are happening to me, and often I see the body experiencing them without me inside the body. I also have troubles with recalling recent memories.
- Feeling as though I am not alone in my head. Sometimes, I hear voices in my head that sound like me (or very similar to me), but they have different personalities and interests than me (for example, one really likes spaceships where I don't really like them). They have different names, as well, as usually different speaking patterns (I've identified 3. One sounds tinny, one is very excitable and dramatic, and one speaks slowly and rather monotone).
- Feeling as though I am not alone in the body. Just today, I found myself walking, speaking, and struggling in ways I'm not used to. I was tripping over my words, I felt too short than what I was used to, and I was speaking slowly and overly-calm/emotionless. I also found myself flinching when people moved quickly or even when a raindrop landed on me.
- TW ABUSE: Possible history of abuse. I'm uncertain on this. I can remember times of what might be considered physical abuse (being pinned, gripped arms, nose in my eye), numerous examples of emotional abuse, and I witness(ed) domestic abuse between my parents, but I'm not sure if it was substantial enough to lead to something like the formation of alters. END TW
- Additional info: I have never used drugs or drank alcohol. I have experienced delusions and hallucinations before, but never auditory hallucinations and never such complex delusions.
Thank you for reading! I would love to hear any input!
@YellowLilac
I hope you gain some insight. I'm responding to bring this string back up in the queue so that it hopefully gets seen by someone who can provide the feedback you are seeking. The symptoms you describe sound like something you'd want to get figured out, for sure.
@MidwesternCalmSeeker
Thank you so much for the bump in queue!
I hope to go to a therapist sometime when I'm in college, but unfortunately my parents have forbidden me from seeking therapy while on their insurance and have not let me switch to university insurance. Hopefully I'll be able to do something out of pocket!
@YellowLilac Hey :)
You could try making a journal - if you feel there are others you could invite them to write in it. Or draw as younger ones may not know words to write yet. You could ask a few simple questions. You could try just relaxing and just listen. See what you hear. If there's chatter - try a simple hello. Assure anyone listening that they're safe to talk with you. Be warm and welcoming. Be patient. They might not talk with you at first for a number of reasons. You can't force anyone to talk that doesn't want to or isn't ready to
But definitely look into a therapist as soon as you can
@mytwistedsoul
Okay, I’ll definitely try that! Thank you so much!
@YellowLilac You're welcome :)
you describe derealization, depersonalization, and memory gaps. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depersonalization-derealization-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20352911
the link describes them as well. i dislike the disease tag in the link, because dissociative symptoms are more of a coping mechanism for the mind than a disease. DID is a multi faceted, complex solution for the mind due to complex and emotionally turbulent experiences.
i had DID from age 5 til 32. (at least my awareness began at the age of 5)… i had an almost complete severance between parts of my psyche. so, i would hear alters sometimes muttering but their ideas and plans never came out to me unless it was in writing or by someone else’s exposure to them talking. it was like i was haunted, hearing things in a language i didn’t understand. it is deeply unsettling to live with fissures inside one’s own mind. and it put me in dangerous situations. yet, this is just my experience, and other people may not have the same exact feelings. i just wanted you to know that i at least have some semblance of understanding.
to gatekeep your mind’s response is normal in a society that demands we “suck it up” or they tell us we are weak. truth is, trauma (especially compounding trauma) can lead to dissociative symptoms. interpersonal is what wrecks us the hardest (learned this in my undergrad research). another truth is: if you were weak, you wouldn’t be trying to cope.
are your experiences extreme enough to cause this? ask your mind. do not doubt your lived experiences, because a reality denied is a reality lost.
if possible, please consult with a therapist about what you are experiencing. you are not required to go through this alone. you are strong, and your feelings are valid. i wish you peace and safety in your journey. 💙
thank you for sharing and inquiring. curiosity will be a boon for you.
@Elta
Thank you so much for sharing the resource, reassurance, and some of your experience. I definitely relate to the background muttering and the fear that comes with that! I hope to see a therapist as soon as I am able! Thank you so much again, you are very kind and I deeply appreciate your response. I wish you peace and safety as well!
It can def be difficult when you are questioning plurality, i experienced similar symptoms and they all started to come together and make sense to me when i was diagnosed. Journaling, writing down etc has helped me a lot, also with the amnesia between parts. I hope you get some clearance i understand questioning so many things is a struggle
@Lilyfae00
Thank you so much! I actually pulled out an unused journal today that I plan to start using right away. It’s good to know that I’m not alone in the confusion of questioning things like this! Thank you again, I really appreciate the response.
@YellowLilac
i hope the journaling will help you! There are also open chats every Wednesday at 12pm (ET time zone) in the trauma room if you ever feel like peeking in
@YellowLilac
@alex428
Hi! I actually forgot I wrote this in the forums :O It's been a few months!
I'm still hesitant to say anything for certain, but it's definitely a lot harder for me to deny that there's something going on. I often feel like I'm somehow faking my symptoms, and a part of me really hopes I am because this is all so terrifying ahh
I have not been able to go to therapy yet (working on it!) but communication has been improving. I tried journaling as well as some digital forms of communication, which have been very helpful. It still seems like I'm not alone in here, and there's been some situations where a friend even asked me if something was going on which was really scary. Trying to connect with myself in this way is hard and seems to bring some of the symptoms more to light, but it also makes me feel a bit less crazy, if that makes any sense.
Anyway, thank you for the advice, and I hope you're well!