Dealing with a Friendship Turned Toxic

For the last two years, I worked as a trekking leader at a riding centre in the heart of Brecon. It was truly my dream job. I loved being around the horses, I met a lot of interesting people who came to ride with me, I would end up having some fascinating conversations and enjoy a lovely day out with them. Ultimately, I made a lot of new friends and professional contacts because of the job. But there was one time where things did not go according to the norm. It has stuck with me for all the wrong reasons and I find myself routinely questioning if I did anything wrong or missed something. 

On this occassion, two people turned up for an afternoon ride in the beacons. It was a perfect day for it and I was genuinely optimistic about leading the ride for these two friends who were visiting from London. They were both lovely people but one was decidedly more verbose than the other. I discovered that I got on really quite well with this girl in particular. We had a fair amount in common, read the same literature and was naturally a good conversationalist. We had a really nice time and a good laugh. At the end of the ride, she asked if we could keep in touch and I agreed. It was a regular occurrence for me that I encountered people in this manner and did not assume this to be any different. 

Boy, was I wrong. 

The following day, she contacted me to say that she and her friend were due to leave for London, and she asked if I could swing by on my way to work so she could have a photo taken with me. She had forgotten to take one the previous day after the ride and wanted one for her photo album. They were staying in a place literally en route to my work, so I obliged. They took a couple of photos with me, I decided to give her a little keepsake (a stone) to remember her ride and her holiday and wished her well on her travels. I genuinely did not mean anything by this. I am a naturally generous person and friendly - many of my longterm friends have been given keepsakes as this before and understood the context it was intended. 

In this case, it swiftly became apparent that she was not looking for just a friendship with me, that she wanted a lot more than I could possibly give her. For context, I am married and have been with my wife for years - something that came up in conversation during our ride and that she was well aware of from the start. 

Our conversations following that ride began innocently enough. She would ask me questions about my life outside of the job and family history, things that most of my friends knew. I occassionally sent her photos or videos from the riding centre that I thought she might like and we chatted and laughed about horses. I only started growing suspicious when I realised she would never answer my own questions about her life or family in return. In hindsight, I realise I never really knew anything about her. Shortly after our latest conversation, she told me that the boy she had visited the riding centre with had cut her off as a friend and that she was having a tough time. It had become apparent to her that he had feelings for her and that things had become too complicated to keep things going as friends. She told me that he had become jealous of our 'connection' and wanted me gone from the picture. She started asking me what I thought of all of this but I decided not to comment. I did not know him well enough to have an opinion. 

Things then got worse when her family got involved. She let it slip a couple of weeks later that she had told her father she had met someone and had allowed for the context to remain as romantic not friendly. He had been supportive until she had admitted that I was a married woman and he had gotten very angry with her. They had started arguing and it was affecting her behaviour and our conversations. I went quiet for a fair while after this because it was uncomfortable and I was not entirely sure how to respond. Nothing like this had ever happened to me before and I confided in my wife and asked her what should be done. 

We decided to try and nip the whole thing in the bud. I sent the girl a message and said that it would be best for us to part ways and cease contact. I explained that it was for the best interests of all involved and that I had enjoyed getting to know her. My wife agreed that it was the sensible option given the sensitive nature of the issue and so we waited for a response. She was very upset with me and accused me of being too rash in my decision making. She suggested that we could all be friends and that this was the human thing to do. Appealing to both our spirituality and desire to be peaceful we decided to offer a second chance but insisted on neutrality. 

For a little while it was fine. We all had conversations together and laughed and joked and the friendship seemed to be going well. Then the turning point came. She began to message me directly and implying she had strong feelings for me but that she would not acknowledge them as love if I was still married. She began to compliment me ceaselessly over my accent and my intelligence. She called me beautiful and complimented my wife in the same manner. She then went even further by suggesting that if I left my wife then another door would open to me and that she would take care of me, etc. All the emotions became too much. I stopped eating and sleeping properly. I dropped a lot of weight and had terrible dreams if I managed to drift off. I was feverish and inconsolable and I felt trapped. 

If I said that we had to stop talking, she complained and would try and return to nominal conversation(s). If I ignored her, she got upset. Every solution hurt more than the last one and because I was still trying to be nice, I held that space for her to my detriment. When I started backing off, she started messaging me about other women she had met (all married) and had feelings for and I began to realise that this was her thing. She was doing exactly what she was doing to other relationships, other people, other friends and probably these people were also suffering in the way that my wife and I were struggling. What precisely did she want? Why was I being targeted and why was it so hard to let go even when I knew it was right? Did she even care about me in the way she said she did? How had I let it get this far? My wife and I were drawn even closer together because of it which is a godsend in of itself because something like this could have had the exact opposite effect. I believe that our honesty was the key to this.

I began to loath this girl as much as want to be her friend. It was almost instantaneous how my opinion changed. She continued messaging about her feelings (sometimes for me and sometimes for other women she had met). She would ask me what my thoughts were and I only ever began replying with that it should not matter what I think. All the while I was devising a way to get away from this situation. I knew I had to get away. I knew it could not continue. It was starting to affect my happiness and work and home. I had to talk to my manager at work about it and explain why I looked so ill. 

Then finally the last day of contact came. She messaged me saying that she was coming for a ride again and that she really wanted to see me. But that she was bringing someone else with her - a girl she had met. She tried asking me what I thought about her bringing someone and whether she should come on her own but I said that that had nothing to do with me. She decided she would bring this girl and said she wanted me to lead them for a ride in the Brecon Beacons. She asked if I would be there and I said I probably was (which was not a lie). It would later turn out that the date she was going there was the only weekend I had not been put on the rota but I had not realised at the time. In hindsight it was probably the best thing that could have happened because I had panicked right after. I both wanted to see her and did not want to see her. I wondered if we could return to simply having a conversation like we had on the first day I had met her but deep down knew that was probably not going to happen. My emotions had been played with for so many weeks that I felt ill from it. 

This is where my regrets come in. I feel like an ***. I feel guilty somehow for leaving in the way I did. The day of the ride came. I had realised that morning that I was not needed for work and had gone for a walk on my land to think. I did not want to even consider it and my stomach was hurting. An hour before the scheduled ride, she messaged me. 

Hey. It simply said with a smiley face. Expectant. 

I'm not going to be there. I messaged back almost immediately. There was an unforeseen change in the rota. I'm sorry. The other girls will take really great care of you both and you will have a lovely time. Enjoy your ride. 

Silence. A horrible wave of nausea and a migraine so piercing that I had to sit down in the field and close my eyes. Then relief. Quiet and stillness. 

It has been a year since I sent that message and deleted her number. She has blocked me on social media and has not spoken to me since and yet in some way I wish I had the chance to explain just how terrible the whole thing made me feel. But why do I miss her? Why does that entire experience weigh so heavy on my shoulders that it bothers me even now? I had to leave my job in the end because it only reminded me of that whole thing. Am I the *** for leaving in the way I did? Or was in simply an inevitable trick of the universe that pushed us apart finally? 

I of course know that she was not what I truly wanted. I am happily married with a beautiful life. But somehow the impact of that short encounter has really struck me. Should I feel as bad as I do? Or was she simply playing me all along? 

Literally, less than a month later, she announced she would be coming back to the trekking centre. Only this time she wanted to bring someone - a girlfriend she had met. She suggested I should take them both out for a ride and how nice it would be, etc. At the time I thought I was working and said I’d probably be around but likely would not be on the ride as it wasn’t dictated by me. Later on, I realised I had not been placed on the rota. I had to send a last-minute message to her explaining that I wasn’t there but that the other staff would look after them both well and to please enjoy the ride. In hindsight, I think it was meant to happen this way anyway as I was getting increasingly uncomfortable and I’d tried to back away before but to no avail.

She never spoke to us again and we have since lost contact. AITA for leaving in the way I did? The whole situation lasted for months, I was very unwell from it and I’m still recovering even now. I was going to send her a message via social media to say goodbye and wish her well, explain what happened, etc for my own peace of mind, but she has blocked me. How do I come to terms with this and how does one go about healing from such a thing?