Years later now I realized I was assaulted.
TW: Descriptions of SA
I’ve always had bad experiences with boys. The earliest memory I have of being physically harassed was in 4th/5th grade when a boy went behind me and pretended to “grind” on me. At that age I didn’t know exactly what was happening but I knew it was wrong. It only got worse from there.
In middle school, I was in 6th grade and I had a 8th grade boy who would always get uncomfortably close to me. He’d follow me in the hallways, and even threatened to kiss me once. In 7th grade a boy grabbed my butt twice in the hallway.. The same boy ended up being in my classes up until I graduated from high school… he always told me how ugly I was.
In high school there were tons of guys grabbing me, but I’ll only talk about two. This guy.. let’s call him R. I had R in Spanish class and everyday he’d touch me. He’d play these games called “let’s see how far I can go until you say no”. Keep this in mind… I have a natural response to freeze in these situations… so unfortunately I never said no. And I blame myself for what he did to me. Even when I was at home, he’d text me that he wanted n*des from me, saying he’d sleep with me if I gave them to him. It’s like R was everywhere.
The 2nd guy was Z. He was similar to R with playing games. He’d grab my chest, seeing how long he could do it till I slap him… and again I froze and let him. I hate to say it but I smiled during and after that incident. Does that mean I liked it?? God I feel disgusting. Now when I look back on it I start to cry.
i just want to understand why…why does this happen to me?
@chillingwave01
Thank you for showing your vulnerable self, Wave. It's so terrible that you had to face multiple harassments and assaults...it can really feel like a lot going on one after the other.
I can feel the emotions behind you asking why all these happened to you...the emotions are very valid and whatever happened were really unfair. Trauma responses are not very simple and straight, Wave...there are many which we don't even hear about, because each individual can react differently to traumatic events and every response is very valid and genuine, evenn I froze during my assault. I hear you when you say you feel disgusted by yourself, I relate to that, Wave and I understand it's not easy to not feel that...
The fact that you are sharing it and processing it shows it was something painful to you, you didn't want it to happen...I wish you could find more help and support and as a community we are together❤
@energeticThinker3129
I really appreciate your words, it’s never easy dealing with these emotions. I’ve been journaling as a coping mechanism to help me remember the good moments in my life.
I hope I can get therapy soon.