Years later now I realized I was assaulted.
TW: Descriptions of SA
I’ve always had bad experiences with boys. The earliest memory I have of being physically harassed was in 4th/5th grade when a boy went behind me and pretended to “grind” on me. At that age I didn’t know exactly what was happening but I knew it was wrong. It only got worse from there.
In middle school, I was in 6th grade and I had a 8th grade boy who would always get uncomfortably close to me. He’d follow me in the hallways, and even threatened to kiss me once. In 7th grade a boy grabbed my butt twice in the hallway.. The same boy ended up being in my classes up until I graduated from high school… he always told me how ugly I was.
In high school there were tons of guys grabbing me, but I’ll only talk about two. This guy.. let’s call him R. I had R in Spanish class and everyday he’d touch me. He’d play these games called “let’s see how far I can go until you say no”. Keep this in mind… I have a natural response to freeze in these situations… so unfortunately I never said no. And I blame myself for what he did to me. Even when I was at home, he’d text me that he wanted n*des from me, saying he’d sleep with me if I gave them to him. It’s like R was everywhere.
The 2nd guy was Z. He was similar to R with playing games. He’d grab my chest, seeing how long he could do it till I slap him… and again I froze and let him. I hate to say it but I smiled during and after that incident. Does that mean I liked it?? God I feel disgusting. Now when I look back on it I start to cry.
i just want to understand why…why does this happen to me?
