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chillingwave01
4,992 M Seeking Light 7
PathStep 44 Compassion hearts484 Forum posts53 Forum upvotes67 Current upvotes67 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2022 Member sinceJanuary 9, 2019
Bio
Trying to figure myself out, little by little
Recent forum posts
Years later now I realized I was assaulted.
Trauma Support / by chillingwave01
Last post
 September 30th, 2021
...See more TW: Descriptions of SA I’ve always had bad experiences with boys. The earliest memory I have of being physically harassed was in 4th/5th grade when a boy went behind me and pretended to “grind” on me. At that age I didn’t know exactly what was happening but I knew it was wrong. It only got worse from there. In middle school, I was in 6th grade and I had a 8th grade boy who would always get uncomfortably close to me. He’d follow me in the hallways, and even threatened to kiss me once. In 7th grade a boy grabbed my butt twice in the hallway.. The same boy ended up being in my classes up until I graduated from high school… he always told me how ugly I was. In high school there were tons of guys grabbing me, but I’ll only talk about two. This guy.. let’s call him R. I had R in Spanish class and everyday he’d touch me. He’d play these games called “let’s see how far I can go until you say no”. Keep this in mind… I have a natural response to freeze in these situations… so unfortunately I never said no. And I blame myself for what he did to me. Even when I was at home, he’d text me that he wanted n*des from me, saying he’d sleep with me if I gave them to him. It’s like R was everywhere. The 2nd guy was Z. He was similar to R with playing games. He’d grab my chest, seeing how long he could do it till I slap him… and again I froze and let him. I hate to say it but I smiled during and after that incident. Does that mean I liked it?? God I feel disgusting. Now when I look back on it I start to cry. i just want to understand why…why does this happen to me?
As an adult, I still feel like a child around my parents
Trauma Support / by chillingwave01
Last post
 September 20th, 2021
...See more I still get scared by my parents, even though I’m an adult. The other day my mom called me in a stern voice and my body instantly went into fight or flight mode. Is she gonna yell at me? Would she hit me? Does she hate me? Only for her to complain about my house being messy. This feels wrong, to be genuinely scared of your parents to the point where you think your life is in danger. Right? Or am I being dramatic?
TW: Alcoholism
Self-Harm Recovery / by chillingwave01
Last post
 September 20th, 2021
...See more I haven’t self harmed (well physically) for I think 3-4 years? Not really sure. Anyways, I’ve been having this “urge” to drink. I want to drink alcohol, but to the point where I’m constantly blacking out. Up until the day I don’t wake up. Is this… common? Idk I guess it’s cause I have a deep history of alcoholism in my family. I’ve never drunk alcohol before and I don’t ever plan to, but whenever I’m in a dark place I can’t help getting that urge. Like what if one day something bad happens and im hit with alcohol poisoning? It’s scary. I wonder if there’s a way to prevent myself from going along with the urge.
Am I boring?
Relationship Stress / by chillingwave01
Last post
 September 18th, 2019
...See more Ive been best friends with this person for about 5 yrs now, and I get this feeling that I dont know what to talk about anymore? She has things to deal with like taking care of siblings everyday and I want to be there to be supportive for her... but whenever I message her she just leaves dry responses or doesnt say anything at all. Im sure she has a lot on her mind with responsibilities at home- I just want to make sure I can still be someone that shes excited to hear from...any advice?
Self-recovery Journal 🌿
Self-Harm Recovery / by chillingwave01
Last post
 February 22nd, 2019
...See more Ive come across journal prompts that help support self-discovery and helping to grow more positive as a person: https://lavendaire.leadpages.net/f/15458762e439c5-0/140d8ef5128bac-0k10qE2BSce0VG8BhH3NM/30-questions-for-self-discovery-pdf-download.pdf If any of yall are interested in working on a journal- I hope these interest you! 💝
I have a ED problem??? Help
Eating Disorder Support / by chillingwave01
Last post
 February 10th, 2019
...See more So, Im currently on my path of recovery and its been a short while since Ive tried to starve myself or anything, but something seems off.. after like about a year of starving and purging I came to a conclusion that I need to recover, as I was recovering it seemed like every time I tried to eat anything I would feel full, but really quickly- like in a scary way. It could be two bites of a small burger and Im instantly full, or even a few fries, its like my stomach is full but my mind is starving. Is my body damaged from the starvation? How come I cant eat as much as Im supposed to without feeling like I ate a whole meal? Then my stomach aches later from eating less
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