Was my husband abused?
I think my husband (37) was sexually abused at 15 by his now dead mother, but he says it was a consensual sexual relationship. She died when they had a fight about him wanting to move into her bedroom and he left to cool off. While he was staying with friends, she fell from a ladder and was dead by the time someone found her. A month later, his uncle (who lived with them) threw himself into a river. My husband tried to move in with his father but was told he was only allowed to stay if he quit school and paid "his share" of the bills. His father then sold his entire inheritance (and sent his dog to the SPCA) and kept the money for himself. My husband was basically homeless until his late 20s, when we met at a protest. In that time he had a son who was adopted out (without my husband's consent) who sought him out a few years ago and now lives with us (he is 17). I don't want to be another person who abandoned him. I don't want to lose my stepson. I want to help. But every time he touches me I can't help but think "you willingly had sex with your own mother" and I recoil mentally. I was raped by my grandfather for 10 years, up to the age of 12, I've been in therapy most of my life, and I know how the mind games work. I don't want to blame him because he was 15, he couldn't consent to sex with an adult. But the fact that, at almost 40, he insists it was not abusive... I don't know how to feel about that. He hasn't had any therapy or help for this ever. He says I'm the only person outside of him and his mother who knows about it. What do I do?
@verdantwyrm
I want you to know that it's understandable for your husband to want to deny that he was abused. It takes a huge amount of courage to admit to something like this. Even after his mother's death, he had to face his uncle's death and was rejected by his father. From what you mentioned, if your stepson was a result of the incestuous relationship, he might have hard feelings towards that too..
As you've been abused too, you're familiar with the types of thoughts and feelings of guilt that may result from experiences like this. It's okay for you to feel uncomfortable thinking that he did it "willingly". In the presence of an older adult, the argument that a younger person may have desired, sought, or given consent is irrelevant.
As for whether he was abused or not, lets discuss this in further detail. Incest is considered abusive when the individuals involved are discrepant in age, power, and experience. The behaviors that your husband displayed may have been groomed, coerced, or generated in response to perceived pressure and/or threat from the more powerful person. In the case, the powerful person was his mother.
Hence, to answer your question, yes he was abused. He might require a lot of therapy to recover from something like this. Meanwhile, if you wanted to talk to a listener in a 1-to-1 chat, please feel free to contact a listener through the browse listeners page or through the general requests too! Alternatively, feel free to participate in the forums and get to know others who have gone through similar stuff.
Take care of yourself~Sierra
