TW Emotional abuse, child abuse/ father's day/ extended family dynamics

I opted to remain in the city that I go to college in this summer. I am very glad that I have this option, since it means I can actually focus on things without being hyperaware of my dad's moods and walking on eggshells. In this situation I can at least deal with how I feel about things instead of being actively immersed in the toxic environment of my parents' house.

(TW emotional abuse) 

The earliest times I recall my dad being verbally abusive were while I was in middle school. I overheard screaming fights between him and one of my siblings. I remember that he would threaten to disown me and my siblings and send us to a particular orphanage. I remember him suggesting I run away when he was angry with me. I lost things a lot and would lose track of assignments (likely connected to my diagnosed ADHD) and he would blow up at me and say I would end up on the street and he called me many insulting names, often targeted at my intelligence or generally degrading my worth as a person. There was that and the mocking and the taunting. There was one occasion when he followed me outside the house, still screaming insults at me before storming back inside. One of our neighbors overheard and told me that a parent shouldn't speak to their kid like that. 

I am sure I have forgotten many details since, amplified by my attempts to physically shut out the sound of the insults and screaming, but I do remember that when he was really riled up, he would try to break into my room and scream at me with less of a barrier in between and I got used to leaning as hard as I could against my door or to holding the lock on my door when he was trying to pick it from outside. 

Through growing up in a household with him, I learned that to be open about mistakes risked being yelled at and degraded. I also developed a terrible self-image through middle and high school, which involved many of the same insults that my dad would scream at me or say in a mocking tone. I struggled with suicidal ideation and depression and though that can have a genetic component, my home environment could not have helped.

When father's day approached this year, I received a text from my mom reminding me of it. I could not bring myself to tell my dad happy father's day, since although I had a vague idea he may be working on himself, my memories of him contain far too much of him degrading me and my siblings to call him a "good father". He must have been vocal about not hearing from me, because I received a message saying I should tell him that from my mom the next day. I gave in, but after speaking with my siblings recently, that message seems even more undeserved. I recall one instance of him hitting me and my siblings recall more than that against them. The sibling who remains in my parent's house is still being emotionally and physically abused in that way. So while some of my friends posted about having amazing fathers, I was deeply resenting mine.

Also, I have been frustrated with responses from parts of my extended family. My dad's siblings live far away from us and have not witnessed the extent of abuse that myself, my siblings, and my mom have, but they must see glimpses of it when we visit for the holidays. His siblings have plans to go on a certain trip into the wilderness with him and me and one of my siblings were also invited. We were very wary of this, given how it would be much harder to get away while literally off the grid. One of my dad's siblings suggested that since I am older now, it may be easier for me to deal with "things getting rough"/code for my dad's verbal abuse. There's that and the time I was reminded that my dad "loves me" during a period of time when I had been trying to find a different place to live, since I could not stand life while remaining at my parent's house.

I don't know. Maybe they were more permissible of abusive behavior when perpetrated by their brother or underestimated the damage done to my siblings and I. Personally, I have trouble forming close connections with people without becoming too needy and driving them away and it has taken years of therapy to quiet the insults which filled my mind and to not judge myself and my worth very harshly when I make a mistake or misplace something. There's nature and nurture, but yeah there is no way all the verbal abuse helped. 

So now, I'm wishing the best for my sibling who is planning where they will go after leaving my parent's house. I am really hoping that my mom will stop making excuses for and refocusing blame for my dad's behavior. She is also a victim of his abuse although I'm not sure she sees it that way. Seeing how my dad continues to behave (and apparently still calls me stuff like worthless and a failure behind my back), I will try to break off contact once I find financial independence, though I anticipate pressure from some extended family and my mom to forgive him even if he has not truly earned it.