***TW***Abuse venting
It all started when I was being sexually abused as a kid by my biological father. I've been having nightmares about him coming back. I was sent to therapy for panic attacks and night terrors while I was little, i told the therapist what he was doing and she didn't believe me. I didn't tell again until I was 16. A few weeks ago I had a mental breakdown at work on my boss after a particularly rough night of nightmares, and I don't know what to do anymore. The nightmares come in series'. It plays out over several nights then starts all over again. Some mornings I wake up and can't remember the dream but I can still feel my heart racing and can feel his hands all over me and it causes my to feel anxious all day. Sometimes I can't remember anything, even where I am or how old I am. My therapist quit, and I haven't had time to find a new one. I've been struggling with old habits as well, ones I won't address specifically as to avoid triggering anyone. I've been depressed and often hide in the stairwell during break at work. I know that no one will look for me, and if they did they wouldn't find me easily there. I got into am abusive relationship, and I keep asking myself if I was overreacting? He kept touching me and trying to push me into sex even though I told him I was scared of sex. He manipulated me into sending him pictures and if I refused threatened to hurt or kill himself. He cornered me in the back of a store and grabbed me, my arm was bruised in the process. He wanted me to do things with him, I kept trying to talk my way out of it until someone came to help me, but no one came. I forced myself away from him and he followed me. I the next day after he forcefully kissed me I went home and that night attempted sui*ide. The police got my mom to do an intervention while I was hospitalized, and I didn't go back do dating him. He recently went to jail, and I'm more at ease knowing he's not going to randomly show up. I'm just scared, what if all along I've made this all up, what if I'm wrong? What if nothing happened? Sorry, I just needed to vent and I don't know how this works yet... If I need to I can delete this, again sorry I don't know what I'm doing.
I can tell that you are going through a very scary and traumatic process right now. You are facing a lot of uncertainty in your life as well as with your decision making. It's really difficult facing situations like these especially when we believe that there is not going to be people that believe or support us because in our previous experiences people were not there for us. You mentioned that you had a therapist not believe you. It sounds like you have lacked people in your life that would guide you in a safe, secure and comfortable direction, starting with your parents, then your therapist and abusive partner. And now you are having difficulties with your boss and you have to find a new therapist because they quit. I understand how you feel scared and all alone. You are doubting yourself about your feelings and reactions because of what people put you through. What you are going through is normal for someone that has gone through trauma like you have gone through. You definitely are not overreacting. It may seem like it to you because you are very upset and the way that people respond to you. I'm glad that you were able to reach out. Reaching out gives you the ability to connect with others and to validate your experiences. Others go through what you go through as well, so you are not alone. It sounds like you need to get yourself together to the point where you can organize your everyday life to make it more stable. You already are on the right track by recognizing that a therapist will help you, provided that you find one that is helpful. By getting the proper support, people can help guide you break out of those old habits and help you evolve to living with new ones that are more suitable to you that will lead you in a better direction. I commend you for reaching out like this. It takes a lot of courage to do so especially after everything that you went through. This shows that you do have what it takes to get the support and to make the necessary changes. I encourage you to keep expressing yourself. The more you express yourself, the more you process those events and emotions and the faster and better that you heal.
@peacefulIris56
Thank you so much
You're so welcome
